a letter

October 13, 2007

to the (*#&$(# who stole everything-worth-anything from our house on september 27th: if you are reading this, yes, i have gotten a replacement computer and iPod nano, courtesy of state farm. but they have been set up to explode and release deadly poison gas if you so much as attempt to lay a gloved finger on them this time around. i’m serious. if it senses that unauthorized fingerprints are touching the keys, it WILL detonate. also, we now have an alarm system designed to ensnare you securely in a net (barbed wire, so i don’t think it will be too comfortable) suspended from the kitchen ceiling, so that i can get home and WATCH the police pop a cap in your ass when they find you, shard of laptop in your guilty, hot little hands.

actually, if you ARE reading this, burglar, my real message to you is please just leave us alone. we are good people and someday you might even need one of us to operate on you and another one of us to treat your sick kid. get some help and try to make up for past mistakes by doing good things for other people. and i would really like the pictures and songs off of my old laptop. and my jewelry back. the rest you can keep, if you promise not to come back. thank you.

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