August 23, 2013

still alive.  mostly.
so, we have internet!  after quite a bit of a wait.  but i will be honest: that’s not the only reason for my silence.  with the sad retirement of google reader, i hope that some of you are still left to read this [feedly-ites?].

many of you warned me that this — the whole moving/job change/pregnancy trifecta — would be hard.  i didn’t really listen.

but IT IS.  in fact, i am finding the adjustments [too many of them . . . ] more difficult than i could have imagined.  truthfully, i’m struggling.  a lot.

it’s not work
actually, work is really good.  i survived my first week of call, and while i’ll never enjoy having my sleep interrupted*, everything else is really . . . fun.  i honestly feel very well-trained and am thrilled to be doing what i am doing.  i really enjoy seeing patients and feel great about my coworkers.

it’s not annabel or josh
initial day care hiccups aside, i think she’s doing well and — from what i can tell — seems to really like her new weekday hangout.  josh has started at work and is now beginning to get busy, but i am used to that and it still beats his fellowship [he leaves the house at 7 am — not 5!].  he, unlike me, seems to be very upbeat about things at the moment.  or at least optimistic.

it’s me.
i just feel tired, and overwhelmed, and just . . . dysphoric.  like i could cry at any moment.  there are times that i am happy — annabel and i had a good night together today, for example — but i never feel truly relaxed.  i feel like i have zero time for myself, and the reality is that this might actually be true.  between commuting, cleanup, annabel time, and performing basic activities of daily living there just isn’t much left.  i’m thankful to have the 30 minutes i have right now to write this post, and still feel torn because i should be studying for my boards — less than 3 months away.  i crash into bed most nights before 10 and wake up between 5 and 6, which should be reasonable, but i never seem to wake up refreshed.

i realize that i’m supposed to be celebrating this new life — the victorious completion of a zillion years of training! — but right now, i look around and i see all of the negative and not the good.  i feel hopeless about ever getting our house in order.  negative about my body image [yes, while pregnant].  frustrated with traffic jams and random spills and anything that isn’t exactly as i had planned or expected it.  i can TELL that i’m viewing life through an ugly negative filter, and that it isn’t making me any fun to be around at home [understatement.  josh, i am sorry].  but i don’t seem able to snap out of it.

and — the guilt.  because a continued refrain in my head — and one that brings tears with it — is that all i can think about is how many zillion times harder everything will be when i have a newborn.  a newborn that i will love to pieces, and that i’m already terrified of disappointing.  i feel horrible about even having these negative thoughts about something that i feel i should be just purely grateful about.  especially after those years of longing for annabel.

headed to bed.  maybe tonight will be the magical night i get to sleep 8 hours, and i will wake up a new woman.  perhaps my hormones just need a little time to . . . even out a little.  or, it may be that i need to vent a little bit to a professional rather than the internet.  i do think i need to proactively try to turn things around . . . one way or another.

i really [really] hope this post doesn’t come off as crazy, or ridiculous [because i realize that objectively i have NOTHING to complain about], or dumb.  with all of this said, i HAVE missed writing here, and will be back soon.  xxxooo.

* actually, i wasn’t woken up much!  maybe once or twice the whole week.  but i have a feeling i may have had beginner’s luck.

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