feeling sad

July 3, 2014

I’m feeling kind of low today.  I just cannot stop the stupid preoccupation with Cameron’s milk / breastfeeding, and it’s really weighing on me*.  I am now in a frustrating phase where I am definitely not making enough for him.  (Today I pumped ~10 oz.  He drank . . . 19.)  But I’m also not totally ready to be done with pumping.  And I’m not even getting any of the nice parts of breastfeeding anymore: every time I go to feed him, I have anxiety about it**, and every time I pump I feel really lame and down on myself for not being able to provide for him.  Since that is 3x/day currently, that’s a lot of negativity.

It sucks.

I may just need to STOP pumping and go to twice daily feeding and let things settle out naturally, because the number of hours that this is on my mind is just — too many.  I wish I didn’t feel so sad about it.  I really do cherish the breastfeeding relationship because it’s the one thing that only I can do for Cameron.  (And yet really — I can’t do it.  Not quite enough, anyway.)

BAH.  I might go in the opposite direction and try domperidone for a little while.  Well, maybe.

* As I read this, I realize how crazy it sounds.  WHY is this such a stressor?  I spend hours thinking about it and still can’t even figure that out.  It’s not peer pressure, though that doesn’t help.  It’s like a deep-seated primal thing, I think.  ALSO: dropping prolactin –> increased gonadotropins –> hormone roller coaster.  I have a zit on my chin to prove it.
** Because if there is not ‘enough’ milk there for it to flow nicely, he freaks out and basically rejects the breast in a frantic showdown – a horrible feeling.
edited to add: I just want to clarify this isn’t an issue where I am worried about him getting some formula.  This actually doesn’t bother me, and a routine bottle/day or something isn’t a big deal.  It’s just that I want to be able to breastfeed him on demand — in the morning, overnight, and on weekends.  I don’t want to have to stress out every feed about whether there is ‘enough’.  I want that bond with him to be a positive one like it was with Annabel.