let it gooooo

August 7, 2014

I think I’m the last person on earth to actually listen to the entire “Let it Go” anthem from Frozen.  I was really pleased to find it a) very catchy and evocative of old-school Tori Amos (something about the piano chords?) melded with season 4 Glee; b) kind of empowering (that Perfect Girl is gone!) and c) addictive to Annabel.

I always thought we’d shy away from Disney prints and characters.  HA.  There are some rather sexist / stereotypical things that are not great about some of the films, but . . . there’s charm, too.  And I grew up with Ariel/Belle/Jasmine and seemed to do okay, right?

. . . (maybe don’t answer that . . .  )

SO.  I titled this post with the song that is now in your head because — well, I’m trying to let it go.  You know, this whole ordeal:

I’m closer.  I’m getting there.  But I haven’t yet arrived.  I dropped down to one pump/day yesterday and today at work but found myself panicking this evening.  C IS MY LAST BABY AND THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE TO PROVIDE FOR HIM AND WHAT IF OUR BREASTFEEDING RELATIONSHIP ENDS ABRUPTLY THEN I’LL JUST BE SO SAD — 
You get the picture.  I think it’s hard because even partial weaning is a decision that is hard if not impossible to reverse, and because — yeah — hormones.
Anyway.  I just pumped now and am second guessing myself a little bit.  I think I may go back to more pumps (perhaps 2 pumps at work would be a happy medium?) until we at least hit that elusive 6 month mark (it’s less than 2 weeks away at this point).  I don’t know why this is so hard.  
I still feel like I’m in some sort of life slump mode.  Aside from hormonal shifts, I continue to think it has everything to do with sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, and sleep.

He is still waking up twice a night, at 11-12 am and 3-4 am.  I think he is truly hungry at those times.  Perhaps when we finally make the transition to formula and he gets an all-you-can-eat buffet all day he will sleep better.
I can’t tell say enough how relieved I will be when he is too old for me to care about this stuff.  Honestly, as annoying as it probably is to read all this it is 10,000x more annoying to live it.  Work is hard, time is scarce, and I spend too many free moments fixated on this issue that I know is really trivial.
In other news:

Annabel is really really into watercolors.  And she drew this face and said it was Annabel!

. . . and then this happened:



  • Reply Jennifer March 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    1) That is an amazing face A painted. My daughter’s only a little younger and just starting to attempt circles instead of just squiggling the paint everywhere.
    2) It is hard to let pumping stress go. Every time I read your posts stressing about feeding C, I tell myself one silver lining to only being able to have one kid is that I don’t have to ever go through it again. The memories are still vivid.
    3) You knew "Let it Go" was co-written by a Williams grad, right?

  • Reply Brittnie March 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    I know you know this. . . but regardless of what you decide or how the pumping issue turns out, you are a stellar mother!! You give C your best everyday, and unconditional love, and that is what he truly needs to thrive. I know it is such a hard (and real) decision and yes. . . the hormones don’t help one bit. When do these hormones go away??? Please tell me. B/c I am pretty sure I cried for two hours straight yesterday because it was just one of those days. Ha!

    LOVE that last pic of Miss A!! Cutest ever.

  • Reply oldmdgirl March 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    That face is amazing. Dyl can paint a circle… I think.

    Oh, you’re not the last person to hear Let if Go. I am. Still haven’t heard it.

  • Reply Lee Becknell March 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    What a little budding artist (or pedicurist)! Seriously impressed that she can draw a face. We’re having sleep issues over here too. He’s not even hungry- just awake. Ugh. It really does take a toll.

  • Reply Miss JennyPenny March 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    I struggled with the same "OMG she is my last baby EVER, I am not ready" feelings with regards to breast feeding too. I did stop pumping at work but continued breast feeding for a long time after at bedtime and early morning. Did you have problems BFing A evening and morning after you stopped pumping?

    For me, it was such a relief once the decision was made and it felt final. I also spent some of that extra time on ME, making sure I got more rest and time for my interest. That was I gained something, not only lost something. (I don’t know if that makes sense, but for me it was very important to not just mourn what we had given up, but to focus on the positive in the change.)

  • Reply runner March 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    That is the most impressive two year old painting of a face I have ever seen! But we already knew A was a genius =)

    The sleep thing sucks, but lots of kids wake up several times a night between 4-6 months (at least this seems to be the reality for almost every parent in my practice because of the small minority of parents that have the "sleeps through the night" baby from 2-3 months onward and they spend so much time convincing the rest of the world that they’ve "figured it out" or "done it right" when in reality I think it is luck). I’d try to mentally frame it like residency. A short term, fairly miserable situation, that ultimately leads to a happy and fulfilling career (parenting a gorgeous, happy kid that will without a doubt sleep through the night from 18 months onward if not before =)

    As for the pumping, I honestly don’t think there will be any tangible benefits by pumping twice a day vs once. If you are worried about supply dwindling with just morning and night nursing, then I think pumping once a day at lunch will prevent that. If you maintained a decent supply with A nursing morning and night without pumping, then I think going to just that would be totally reasonable without risking abruptly ending your nursing relationship. Whatever you decide is best for you will work out fine.

    The flip side of risking not nursing your last baby as long as you’d hoped would be missing out on being able to enjoy his babyhood because it was consumed with fatigue and pumping. Either way, all you need right now is love and support. This baby thing is hard, and thankfully only that hard for a short time. In a year, you’ll be well rested and will have survived residency, fellowship, and two babyhoods and will be able to sleep through the night for the rest of your life (aside from the nights when that pesky pager goes off) =)

  • Reply Ana March 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    I am truly impressed with A’s face-making abilities. Clearly she’s a genius. I love the toenail job, as well. Mine do that with markers, they haven’t attempted the paints yet. I hope you come to some peace with the bf/pumping issue soon.

  • Reply gn0mel0ver March 10, 2019 at 7:14 pm

    A is so smart! That face is impressive. I do not think I have ever seen a child that young make such a clear face. Love that she went to painting her toes! I think once you get to that six month mark you will breathe easier. It is so close! : )


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