this last week has been odd. to say the least. a sudden realization — a lot of soul-searching — and some sadness. but in the end, i know things will be okay. and that i am lucky that this is the most heart-wrenching decision that i’ve had to make. extremely lucky.
not that it IS all that heart-wrenching. i’m NOT torn. i am now fairly calm and sure of myself. i just feel sad that this — i don’t know, version of myself — “the scientist” — will no longer exist. she will die with the violinist-who-never-was, the pianist-who-never-was, the ceo-of-kaplan-who-never-was.
may they rest in peace.
ok, that was morbid, but really i’m quite upbeat, for the most part. i am ready to enter back into the medical world to hopefully rediscover my passion for taking care of people. because i think it was there all along, just squelched by petty dislike of being the lowest on the totem pole, and problems with self-confidence (which i really need to get over). now, i KNOW i will never have passion for lack-of-sleep or lack-of-time or being-treated-like-a-bug, but those things, i will continually remind myself, are TEMPORARY. i can suffer TEMPORARILY, and then i can be an attending part time and do exactly the amount of work that i want, and have time for family and myself, and boss my OWN peons around.*
the temporary part is not a small price to pay, but one that is worth it to have a job that is
– valuable to society
* except that i will never do that. i will read and re-read this blog if i have to in order to remind myself how important it is to treat medical students and the like kindly, and to teach them the way i would want to have been taught.
AND, just in case some of you think my part-time balanced life is a mere fantasy, i will just add one thing — i met a psychiatrist yesterday. she was married to a williams alumnus who was at this concert-thing that i attended (although very belatedly), and i was telling her about my plight and my newfound career possibilities, because i like spewing my life-mess all over strangers. anyway, she seemed receptive. and it turned out that she was a psychiatrist, and she said, ‘you can have a life! and a family! it’s the greatest job ever.’ and that made me very, very happy.