yesterday was hard. i was summoned into the office of one of the PICU attendings and informed that while attention to patient care and knowledge base were more than fine, there were several complaints made about my attitude. in summary, basically i was too mean and argumentative. the word ‘intimidating’ was also used, which sort of throws me, because i never felt more intimiDATED than when i was in the PICU.
between this and the recent death of my grandfather, i pretty much melted-down after this, probably more emotionally raw than i would have been without so many things going on at once.
however, i think it’s a fair assessment. i mean, look at what i wrote myself:
august 26: “fatigue + feelings of worthlessness –> apathy. anger. agony. and i am sad that it feels this way, thus adding a final layer of shame as the bitter (poisonous) cherry on top of my PICU sundae.”
august 31: “living as a stressed-out ball of anger and resentment mixed with fatigue got old fast, and i think that i honestly could have had a better month had i adjusted my attitude before it was over.”
yes, dramatic (hey, i am who i am, you know?) but it was how i felt. i reacted to the intense, not-so-friendly atmosphere that i was in by becoming those things, and apparently everyone noticed. part of me feels bad about this, and part of me feels like “hey, it’s a 2-way street, and it is not my style to just roll over and take it, and why should i?”. finally, another not-so-tiny part of me wonders if i would be receiving the same comments were i a male, like the other 3 residents with me in the PICU that month.
who knows, but despite my mixed bag of feelings about all this i will try to do better next time.
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run: did not happen; to be honest, i chose to wallow in my bad mood instead.
cooking: i made tamale pies from october’s cooking light. they were okay, but i probably won’t make them again. part of my problem was that the ramekins i have were too small, and i had tons of filling left over. plus, i think the recipe needed to include cheese. i made some baked nachos on the side to compensate!
1 Comment
okay let’s start by saying that you are probably 100% right that you would not have gotten the same comment if you were male…but that’s the way it is.. argumentatative etc. is the way you may react until you pretty much know everything you need to know and have seen pretty much all you need to see. that’s what experience and learning is all about and part of the learning is learning how to make everyone think you are very nice while at the same time getting your way precisely. why do youy think my nickname used to be atilla? I’m still learning but I’m much better at getting the best care for my patients and being as pleasant as I can than I was 30 years ago…CHIN UP YOU ARE BRILLIANT AND YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU DO and the finished product is going to be great. Sorry for being long winded