locus of control

July 28, 2009

yesterday’s post
i apologize for the cryptic and desolate-sounding entry last night. see, sometimes this blog’s mood doesn’t betray its dark title! but it’s morning now, and for me things always seem better from this vantage point.

the post (and a mini panic attack) was triggered by some news about josh’s career path. see, we are completely out of sync when it comes to applying for things like residency/fellowship/jobs, and it makes for a lot of anxiety, at least on my part, when it is time for each of us to move on to the next step of our careers.

it worked out when he applied only to duke and UNC for residency because i was not yet finished with medical school.

it worked out when i only applied to duke and UNC for residency, since he was then situated at the latter institution.

it worked out when last year, i only applied to duke and UNC for fellowship. this juncture was a nerve-wracking one, because only one spot existed at each place. it’s not like pediatric endocrinologists are being churned out by the bushel!

and now, it’s time for him to go through the last interview process — well, the last one before we both settle down into real jobs. i am not going to go into any more detail, but let’s just say we are just not 100% sure about how the chips are going to fall at this point. everything might work out exactly as i had been envisioning, or it might not. there is uncertainty, and it’s messy and unpredictable, and it’s OUT OF MY CONTROL.

and i hate that.

the life plan
a couple of years ago at my mother in law’s request (because our respective training programs are long and confusing and it really was hard to keep track of who would be doing what when), i mapped out a life plan detailing everything that i envisioned for josh and myself from then until something like 2013. so far, there have been no major deviations from the blueprint i handed her. but that doesn’t mean everything will always fall into place as expected.

oddly enough, this morning i was greeted by this post this morning on the zen habits blog. he writes, “Don’t try to force outcomes — let them happen. Be open to what emerges.” i don’t think this means that i should throw out my to-do lists or training schedules or even my loftier dreams of what i would like for the future — just that i have to be open to other options and surprises along the way. because life is not a beast to be tamed.

and i really can’t control everything.

on a completely unrelated note
i was distracted for a few minutes from the heavy stuff above when i got a chance to flip through the new j. crew fall catalogue. it is clear that there has been a shape-shift in fashion over the past 3 years, culminating in a new aesthetic even for the mainstream. well, bring on the toothpick/matchstick pants, fun tights, boots, and floral patterns, because I LOVE IT.
from j.

even if i can’t predict every aspect of what i’ll be doing over the next several years, i am certain that i want to look good doing it.



workout: yesterday was a rest day; the day prior (my call day) i ran a relatively swift 5 miles (8:24/mi pace) in the morning. my footpod calibration is back to perfect!

not quite doin’ time: in an attempt to pretend that we weren’t eating the same pizza/salad meal that i’ve fallen back on wayyy too many times this month, i bought a MEXICAN-themed pizza instead and served it with salad containing avocado, almonds, peppers, and tomatoes. i know — crazy, right?

dinner from a box . . . yet again

not too shabby!

we both liked this product, which was sort of a cross between a quesadilla and a pizza (pizza-dilla?). i recommend!

reading: yes, on call; no, post-call.


  • Reply Anonymous March 10, 2019 at 7:29 pm

    The thing is, you can never actually have a life plan because well, life gets in the way. Even if things with Josh&#39s interview don&#39t go the way you want, everything has a way of working itself out in the end.

    I know that sounds hokey and easy to say when I&#39m not in the situation, but things will work out! And you&#39ll have lots of nice J. Crew clothes!

    I hope you feel better today.

  • Reply atilla March 10, 2019 at 7:28 pm

    it does always work out but sometimes it stinks in the process

  • Reply Aimee March 10, 2019 at 7:28 pm

    If you figure out a way to control everything, can you please make sure it&#39s sunny on my wedding day? Thanks!

  • Reply rosasharona March 10, 2019 at 7:29 pm

    i truly believe that when there is a combo of (a)you want something SO badly and (b) things were meant to be, the universe bends to make your plans come true!

    I was in the same shoes when Mike and I applied to schools last year. I was a nervous wreck thinking that we might have to be separated for a year or two and try to work out a marriage from a distance. Mike got into the Stony Brook program very early on in the process which left me with only the Stony Brook program to apply to…which happens to be a very competitive and selective program! And it worked out! It was, as the jewish like to say, bechert.
    Hope it works out one last time for you guys 😀

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