godot, part II

July 19, 2011

i’m just going to be straight about it:

i hate the two-week wait.

at least i’m not the only one, but seriously. i particularly detest the second week, when hope starts to fade and pessimism [realism?] sets in, and perhaps the hormonal environment isn’t the most conducive to rainbows + butterflies [or sanity] anyway. i imagine phantom [??] implantation pains and obsessively take temperatures just to comfirm that there is still progesterone in my body [so yeah, things did finally move forward during that last frustrating cycle]. i begin worrying/feeling guilty about:

◼ my morning coffee
◼ my 30 minute runs jogs
◼ upside-down yoga poses

. . . and obviously you can forget about a nice relaxing glass of wine. [maybe that’s a good thing; even in other situations, drowning one’s sorrows probably isn’t the healthiest of coping mechanisms. but sometimes it’s nice.]

i also have to fight the urge to take 10 pregnancy tests daily, even though it would be a miracle of medicine to turn out a positive just 7 days post-ovulation. sometimes i lose the fight, and then i have to stare at that one line on a pristine white background YET AGAIN. turning it, squinting, and examining it in different lightings just desperate to see a hint of something different. and never finding anything [except for that one time i still had that ovidrel shot still circulating in my body. that was quite the roller coaster.]

i am distracted at work. distracted at home. distracted while sleeping. i want so badly to stop the waiting game; to be able to live in the moment and forget about things — but every thought just leads back to the same place. oddly, this really isn’t nearly as much of an issue during other points in the cycle, whether i’m getting ultrasounds and blood draws or taking drugs to help with ovulation. perhaps i should consider myself lucky.

so, uhhh, that’s what’s going on with me!

at least it will be over in a week.

oh, and i also made dinner yesterday:

summer linguini from SNED featuring shredded zucchini + summer squash
josh and i gave this two thumbs up although next time i would also add some fresh cherry tomatoes. they’re so good right now!

edited to add: just listened to a tara brach podcast on flow + presence which might as well have been written for me in response to this post. i will do my best to take her advice to heart and let go of the control and the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘if only . . .’ thinking that truly does get in the way of really living. wow — powerful and timely.