May 1, 2013

i’m not sure why, but april was a terrible month for me.  i spent half of it sick, and the other half feeling — well, just sort of aimless, and sometimes sad.  i wouldn’t go so far to say i was depressed, because there were quite a few happy milestones and moments and i did enjoy them.  
but my motivation in pretty much every area of life was at an all-time low.  concrete examples:
✔ i’m not sure i cooked a single ‘real’ dinner all month. 
✔ i don’t think i successfully got up early to run ONCE.  i did get into a nice morning-stroller-run habit, but logged only 50 miles for the month.  this is probably a record low other than the TTC/pregnancy days.  
✔ i have felt like my attention has been fragmented in every arena.  at home.  at work.  socially.  i feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of checkboxes that have to be complete by the end of fellowship, from credentialing to arranging our move to drafting my manuscript.  i am not focusing well and i succumb to distraction far too often.
✔ at night, when i could have been either: 
     a) truly relaxing.  with a book, or even an episode of the mindy project
     b) catching up on things, in order to help me relax later
     c) writing here, which i really do enjoy
. . .  i’ve been on facebook or random blogs instead.  often on my phone, in bed.  instead of reading or sleeping.
the worst [and slightly interesting?] part is that as i’ve been making these poor choices [trust me, they are] i have been COMPLETELY aware of them.  i’ve just continued with my [bad] habits, pouting all the while.
yet in reality, i am not even sure what exactly it is that i’m pouting about!  i spent the month on service, and i did really enjoy my clinical duties.  josh has been working an absolutely insane number of hours, which isn’t much fun — but i should be used to that.  and annabel — well, she’s amazing.  and so cute and SO much fun right now.  
i guess my main frustration is feeling overwhelmed and strapped for time, but i haven’t been managing the time i DO have well at all.
TODAY, i am moving on.  i am actually in DC right now for a conference, starting with a board review boot camp that begins tonight.  this means i have left annabel behind for only the second trip since she was born — and the first for was less than 48 hours when she was only 2.5 months old!   in addition to studying/learning, i really want to take this time to try to gather my thoughts, slow down, and just reboot.  not just as a mother, but as a person.
i want to feel organized again and like i’m not behind in 9,999 areas of life.
i want to enjoy me-time again.
i want to eat better [and COOK more for poor a!  she doesn’t seem to mind the eggs/veggie burger/jarred food rotation, but know i can do better than this.
i want to write more than i have been.
and so, i hope a few of you are okay with reading my ramblings as i try to work things out.
here’s to a better month.  HAPPY MAY.

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