this is not a rehearsal

June 18, 2013

sometimes i get so caught up in the future that TODAY starts to feel like some ‘practice version’ of what will later be real life.

this morning.  does this seem like something i should be taking for granted?

medical school is practice residency.
residency is practice fellowship.
fellowship is practice for being a ‘real’ independent doctor.
an average daily run is training for a race.
a study session is preparation for an exam.
taking care of annabel is practice for when there are more children to juggle.

“i’ll just do this / plan this / get through this, and then . . .”

and then what?  real life will start?

real life is happening.  and it’s already passing far too quickly.
i know i mentioned this recently, but it has struck me that i really do spend too much time fixating on ‘preparing’ — mentally, emotionally, or physically — for some imaginary theoretical future.  this is sad and counterproductive, because it causes me to miss those NOW moments [which are pretty amazing when i open my eyes to realize that] and because i have no idea what the future will look like, anyway.

you can’t plan the little things or even the big things.

especially the big things, as i have been recently reminded.

i pretend that now is just temporary and later will be permanent, but it’s all an illusion.  now IS transient, but then is uncertain.

life is not a syllabus to get through or a training plan to complete.
i may embark on mini happiness projects just for fun while they are happening and to learn and experiment, but i no longer believe in the idea of progressing towards some amazing destination where i have it ALLLLLLL.

i’m not saying i’m not going to study
or that i don’t have habits that could use tweaking
or that i don’t ever want to follow a training plan
or that i don’t want to anticipate wonderful things in the future.

but i need to give TODAY more of me.

off to read, think, and rest.  good night!

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