sometimes i get so caught up in the future that TODAY starts to feel like some ‘practice version’ of what will later be real life.
medical school is practice residency.
residency is practice fellowship.
fellowship is practice for being a ‘real’ independent doctor.
an average daily run is training for a race.
a study session is preparation for an exam.
taking care of annabel is practice for when there are more children to juggle.
“i’ll just do this / plan this / get through this, and then . . .”
and then what? real life will start?
real life is happening. and it’s already passing far too quickly.
i know i mentioned this recently, but it has struck me that i really do spend too much time fixating on ‘preparing’ — mentally, emotionally, or physically — for some imaginary theoretical future. this is sad and counterproductive, because it causes me to miss those NOW moments [which are pretty amazing when i open my eyes to realize that] and because i have no idea what the future will look like, anyway.
you can’t plan the little things or even the big things.
especially the big things, as i have been recently reminded.
i pretend that now is just temporary and later will be permanent, but it’s all an illusion. now IS transient, but then is uncertain.
life is not a syllabus to get through or a training plan to complete.
i may embark on mini happiness projects just for fun while they are happening and to learn and experiment, but i no longer believe in the idea of progressing towards some amazing destination where i have it ALLLLLLL.
i’m not saying i’m not going to study
or that i don’t have habits that could use tweaking
or that i don’t ever want to follow a training plan
or that i don’t want to anticipate wonderful things in the future.
but i need to give TODAY more of me.
off to read, think, and rest. good night!