[yes last, and i mean that. so let me just get it all out now, and then we will steer away from the topic of trimesters of any kind until #2.]
let me just preface this with the fact that i am so thankful to be pregnant right now. no ultrasounds, no 2WWs, no relentless blank stares from negatives tests that seemed to chase me for months from 2009 – 2011. no strategically timed “relations”. and no guilt about running!
i still do not know if my current bump/bloat will translate into baby. but i feel confident that i am still pregnant at this moment. and that, my dear ones, is because:
i
feel
TERRIBLE.
TOP 5 REASONS:
1) nausea/food aversions. [definitely #1 by far]. i’m not vomiting [yet], and i suppose that’s good news. but it doesn’t mean i don’t feel like i might have to for 80% of my waking hours. the longer i go between eating, the worse things get. but thinking about food [ie, necessary to plan ahead if i want to eat every 2-3 hours] is basically torture. at 9 am, i can’t imagine what might be palatable at 11.
like last time, i mostly want to eat carbs and cheese. but they have to be the RIGHT carb and RIGHT cheese at any given moment, and what sounded great one night [annie’s shells & cheddar] will sound absolutely repulsive the next.
my will to eat balanced meals and generally healthy food is gone, and i really hate that. at this time, i am completely unable to make any choices with my brain – only some mysterious hormonal force is dictating my selections.
normal non-preg dinner: salmon, string beans, brown rice blend. glass of wine if in the mood. some dark chocolate for dessert.
tonight’s 1st tri feast: amy’s breakfast scramble wrap, cheese stick, additional hunk of fresh mozzerella cheese, half a yellow tomato, 3 organic faux oreos
also, my prenatal vitamins are killing me. i dread every dose.
2) i feel fat. not pregnant fat, just fat-fat. i’m not even 8 weeks yet and my pants feel tight by the end of the day. i am not sure what the breakdown of carbs/bloat/uterus is, but the baby is just approaching the size of a raspberry so i’m pretty sure it’s not from that.
it probably shouldn’t bother me, but i don’t like people looking at me and wondering if i just might have #2 cooking vs. too many cookies. [even if it’s both.]
3) tired. so, sooooooooooo tired. i am sleeping 9-10 hours/night and i just don’t have that kind of time! [well, i guess i do, but at the expense of other things]. i even napped with annabel on saturday — the entire 2 hours. i’m not the kind of person who can get by on 6 hours/night normally, but typically 7-8 is sufficient. i miss my usual energy.
4) sense of uncertainty. the risk of miscarriage is still sizeable during the first tri, so even though i can hope for the best, i cannot feel all that confident that we really will have a child next year. as crazy as it might sound, this just offends the planner in me. add my new call schedule [now subject to change!] into the mix and the haziness of it all is driving me crazy. of course, TTC is an even more uncertain phase and i should be thankful that i may have managed to skip it. but i’m still impatiently waiting for week 13.
5) lack of motivation. i can’t explain this part very well, but i remember it from last time, too. i just feel very . . . apathetic. i usually get a lot of satisfaction from goal-setting, whether it’s training for a race or studying for a test. right now i simply want to lie around and float through the days, waiting to feel better. in a way, i actually feel that i’m living MORE in the moment at times — just lying around with annabel or enjoying a nap while she does. but i also feel like a piece of me is missing.
[also, bonus #6, which was too terribly vain to go in the top 5: i was in the process of setting up a much-needed japanese straightening appointment when i found out. ahhhhghgh, i’m going to have over a years’ worth of my OWN non-straightened hair by delivery! basically horrifying. i need to start actually using my flatiron again.]
ok, all done. now i promise [really] not another negative word. based on blog notes i made the last time around, things really did start to turn around by week 11, so only a few more bad ones left! and i this time i know that if things work out it will be 100% worth it.
9 Comments
Ugh, I remember how terrible the first trimester is. As for your uncertainty (with which I empathize, I HATED that aspect of my entire pregnancy) — you’ve had an ultrasound, right? I’m sure you know that once you see a good, strong heartbeat the chance of miscarriage is pretty slim. I know it’s not foolproof, but that did help me to relax a lot early on.
Hang in there. You will feel better soon!
1st tri is so hard!! especially with a challenging job and with a little one. I was sick as a dog; like you never vomited but the nausea. It is so ironic that the cure to the nausea is eating. How does that make sense in nature?
I SO feel ya on #3 and #4. Every morning I say I’m going to put Clara in the stroller and go for a walk and then nope, I don’t do a darn thing! The problem is that Houston is so HOT that if I don’t go early in the AM there is no way I will go later in the day. I’m 12 weeks today, so praying that my energy and motivation pick up soon! And ironically for how tired I feel, my sleep is awful! Wide awake by 4-4:30am every single morning. Annoying, but like you, very thankful for the reason I am having all of these symptoms!! I cannot believe I got preg spontaneously and totally unplanned, without fertility intervention!
Hang in there. The magic switch will flip at the second tri and you will feel better! I remember how bad I felt during those first few weeks and can’t imagine adding a toddler to the mix. BTY, maybe to give you a little perspective, I just found out that a friend is pregnant with TRIPLETS – no fertility treatments, no family history of multiples – just a 1 in a million chance.
I’m sorry you are feeling so poorly! It only gets better, right?! Your description of the ickiness and food aversions are so accurate, I hated that part of the first trimester. I never had morning sickness (phew!) but I had so many food aversions and weird cravings that I ate a Subway veggie delight for lunch every day for almost an entire month. All I wanted was bread and cheese and spicy everything.
Enjoy this time with Annabel, and try not to worry about the fact that you are unmotivated. If I remember correctly, I was hit with a wave of motivation, energy and focus in the second trimester (right on time for you to study for boards, right?) that I wish I could get back. It was perfectly timed for me to finish my dissertation and move here to Chapel Hill.
Congratulations!
I’m right behind you (#4 expected 2/26/14) and the only times I feel okay are when I’m sleeping or actually eating. Not before eating or after eating, just during. Of course it is impossible to think about what to eat next, so the whole day is pretty miserable. Just a few more weeks until the phase is over 🙂
One more thing – I also felt better last night while on a tour of a birth center. They had aromatherapy going on and there was just a subtle smell of lavender and mint. It seemed to be everywhere in the building and was so slight that I only really noticed it after they mentioned something. I’m trying to figure out how to get some of that pumped into my HVAC system…
Congratulations again! I was also a lot more tired the second time around. The possibilities to rest and nap are limited with a toddler, to say the least. I was exhausted until the last month when I was actually put on sick leave and ordered to rest. That was wonderful! I hope you feel better soon. Will you work up until the day you move, or do you have a little time off in between jobs?
I’m 6 and 2/7 today with our first and, all in all, feeling very similarly to you! I’m a FNP and hubby is a MSY-4 – thus, I get a kick out of your blog. It’s like a glimpse into our now very near-future healthcare lives. Best wishes with #2 – you’ll pull it all off in the end: boards included!!