I find myself thinking in contrasts:
I don’t want Cameron to grow up because he is JUST SO CUTE AND SWEET right now // It will be so much fun when the kids are older and we can do more things together
I wish I had another day off with the kids today // I am glad to be busy at work and am excited to get back into my work routine
I want to get to work on time! // I am having such a nice time listening to this podcast in my car, even though I am stuck in traffic.
It’s amazing how many of these sorts of thoughts pop up, and yet NONE OF THEM EVEN REALLY MATTER. I mean, I can’t stop time. I cannot responsibly take an impromptu vacation day. I cannot control traffic. Or patient no-shows. Or the weather. Or politics. Or most things, really*.
As Tara Brach reminded me this morning, I can ask myself at any given moment: Can this be enough? And the answer is always yes. I can relax into the traffic jam, or the toddler meltdowns. I can settle in and just watch things unfold without being wedded to any particular outcome. This doesn’t mean a passive life — I can still plan for things, get things done, move forward. I am still going to work hard and do the best I can with my family, at work, and in life. But I can consciously let go of the things that aren’t up to me anyway and settle into what is.
You can always have a 3rd!
Some of those dualities are why I am very undecided about this. Part of me really really wants the chance to have MORE. Part of me is really excited about the kids growing up and being able to do more, and enjoying experiences (like trips, time w/ Josh as a couple, sleep 🙂 ) as things unfold with 2.
Currently our decision is to just wait and see how we feel in a year or so. (IUD is staying in for now!)
Excellent post and perspective. This level of mindfulness is something I should strive toward.