You looked good on paper.
A lot of nice things happened. More than 150 morning runs. Trips to CA (work), NC (family fun), Disney (family fun), Islamorada (just Josh & me fun), Chicago (fun x 2). Watching A&C grow, which brought so many beautiful, adorable, and deeply moving moments. We had many great family gatherings. I’m starting to (sort of) make some friends. I had a great year at work, learning a lot and making real connections with many patients in addition to taking on a new role with more leadership responsibilities (though this is just getting started!).
AND YET — I want even more for next year.
Because in the midst of all of those lovely positive things, I spent a fair amount of time (too much, in my opinion) disconnected, distracted, and often beating myself up when things did not go according to plan.
When I was too tired. When Josh was too tired. When A&C were tired and not at their best. When I ate badly. When things were stressful at work. When I felt lonely. When I couldn’t be there for A&C (class parties. Why can’t they be planned out 6 months in advance like my patient schedule!?). When I felt anxious and insecure about the future of the world (climate change/violence/other horrors).
My default coping mechanism was mindless disconnection, usually in the form of social media or other mindless drivel on the internet. I didn’t sleep enough this year, and it was entirely my fault. I don’t feel that I used my (limited) free time well. I spent too much time in survival mode when I didn’t really need to be.
The good news is that I think I’m more aware of these patterns. My theme for the year reflects this, because I think that a sense of peace is what was missing. What do I really have to “survive” or “escape from”? I want to settle into things, really feel and notice and appreciate, and not run away.
I am not suggesting that 2016 is going to be free from the above stressors. What I do want is to cope with them better. To allow more room for imperfection, and to break the above habit of mindless disconnection and feelings of disaster/failure that are really not appropriate in 99% of my life circumstances.
Here’s to a new day and chance to start early.