I have subscribed to Real Simple mag for years. I like the recipes, looking at the pretty interiors (though I am . . . allergic to doing any actual home decor of my own . . .), and even sometimes the memoir-type pieces.
It’s a peaceful mindless read, something to flip through while sipping coffee and watching your kids do puzzles on the floor.
But in the latest issue, there’s a piece in the back that is supposed to be humor. But somehow . . . it didn’t feel funny; at least not to me. The author, Raquel D’Apice, is a comedian with a young child, and she published a parenting/humor book last year. There is so much to laugh at when it comes to raising kids — I get that. But I felt oddly accosted by her jokes in the RS piece, entitled “I’m Letting This Magic 8 Ball Make All My Decisions”.
I absolutely get that it’s tongue-in-cheek, silly, etc. But I also feel like it needlessly reinforces the narratives that — in my opinion — have no place in today’s society.
Narratives like:
– It is simply the right thing to do to leave your career to be home with your babies. Especially if you are female.
– You should feel very very guilty about this. Especially if you are female.
I am NOT NOT NOT knocking stay-at-home mothers, and I know many of you who read this blog fit this profile! Staying home with kids IS hard work, and there are many great reasons to stay home. To me, the most valid is that you want to, because you don’t want to miss out on the baby/toddler/young kid years, and you know you won’t get them back. This I can get absolutely on board with. And I have had those pangs myself. But they are wistfulness pangs, not guilt pangs. There is a huge difference.
Or, perhaps it just logistically doesn’t make sense to stay in the work force financially, or you were sick of your prior career anyway and welcome a fresh start in a few years. Or maybe your baby is medically complex or has special needs that you aren’t confident could be met in childcare. Stay home for those reasons, and I’m sure there are more.
But please don’t stay home in the name of martyrdom. Or guilt. Or to avoid “paying a stranger”.
I NEVER leave comments like this, but could not help myself today . . .
Anyway.
Happy Saturday. We have a family-filled weekend up ahead and I’m excited about it . . . and not the least bit guilty that my kids look forward to “Mommy Daddy” days — which are not every day, but certainly come frequently enough.
17 Comments
Mom guilt is real no matter what you do. I was talking with my oncologist about this last week, who also has young kids. She made a comment that she "always likes it when moms get to stay home with their kids". Which struck me as off, because she has kids close in age to my son. I’m an attorney, but was fortunate to have the option to leave the workforce to stay home with my son. I go back and forth about whether that was the "best" decision, but it worked for us at the time. However, I have tremendous guilt about not contributing financially to my family while I’m at home, and miss being able to use my brain the way I did when I was working. My doctor is amazing at what she does, and clearly she enjoys it, but also feels a lot of guilt for not being home, when she is working taking care of other women. Meanwhile, my internist is very vocal about the fact that she enjoys what she does tremendously, and needs a break from her kids. And that’s really OK and important – we aren’t robots! We need more dynamic women in the workforce, who love their jobs, look forward to their work, and find better balance being a working mother. I recommend you take a look at the Startup Pregnant podcast/website/facebook group, because there is a whole amazing conversation going on about this that I think you would really enjoy.
Ugh why is stuff like that article still being published in 2017? Why haven”t we as a society gotten over the mommy guilt? I love having daycare for my child! The teachers there know all about child development! They do a different craft every day ! They feed her healthy meals and the menu changes daily! And those teachers are not strangers- my daughter looks up to them as trusted adults in her life.
Not everyone can afford daycare and daycare is not the best decision for every child. But guilt is unhealthy, unproductive, and entirely a product of our socialization as women. I”m over articles like this Real Simple one that act like guilt should be celebrated as an integral part of motherhood.
I vote for making "dad guilt" a thing.
I can only read the middle column of the article rather than it all, and I’m not sure I get the concern. I don’t love the "stranger" language, but it seems like the broader point is the author is maybe rethinking her decision to stay home or thinking back somewhat wistfully to going back to work (or at least look at the downsides of staying home.) I think the "stranger" part is over the top, but I don’t totally see that as a slam on working moms or encouragement of mom guilt. Personally, I work part time and love it *most* of the time. As I tell people, it is both the best and worst of both worlds. 🙂 I don’t feel any guilt, but realize it’s a real thing. (To flip the situation, I am often guilty of saying I enjoy working and using my brain. I think that could maybe be construed as a criticism of stay at home parents–and is not how I ever intend the comment.) All that to say, probably a poor choice of words by the author but from what I see it doesn’t appear to be coming from a bad place.
Oh man, yes… this guilt narrative really does need to DIE. Is this only in the U.S? Do other working moms in other countries go through this much unneeded angst? In a country that is so undeniably unsupportive of parents, moms in particular, no matter what choice you make, we do not need articles like this creating more tension in our already stressed- out psyche! It doesn”t matter—