What can I say . . . the Fifth Trimester is kind of kicking my ass. I honestly don’t remember feeling this emotionally or physically wrecked the past two times — or maybe it’s just that my memories are fuzzy and rose-colored. Because a quick scroll-through ye olde blog archives does reveal that a) I was tired and b) I had the same freakouts about milk/pumping (ad nauseum). However, I guess I do appreciate the transience of it all a bit more. I am less apt to care about how often she’s waking up because I don’t see it as a forever thing. I honestly could care less about my lumpy still-postpartum-feeling body, because I know it’s something I can address once the season of pumping/feeding is over. I am not questioning my career choices — even though I am honestly NOT thrilled to be working right now*, I know I will feel differently in a few months.
So, I’m going forward. Ounce by ounce (of milk, of course). One day at a time.
5 good things:
1) Our residency program FILLED! In fact, we did extremely well in the match considering we are a brand new program! Very very excited to welcome our first class this summer. (On that note, I will have been an attending/non-trainee physician for 5 years by the time they start! How did that happen?!)
2) I have streamlined my makeup routine to about 3 minutes (what can I say . . . I’m unwilling to spend much more time on this!). Product I am currently enjoying: Dior Glow Nude. I put on a really light swipe of it, and I think it makes me look . . . at least somewhat alive.
3) I am meditating. Using the Calm app. I think I like Headspace better, but Calm has more free features and I don’t want to do a pay subscription again for now (plus I exhausted my allowance on another Lotuff bag. Oops.)
4) Laura must have known I’d be overwhelmed, because we are way ahead in podcast recordings! Whew. Today’s episode features an emergency medicine physician, and I really enjoyed getting another medical voice in there! As always, you can listen here or on your usual podcast apps. And I’m trying to get us added to Spotify.
5) I have gone to bed 9 pm or earlier 3 out of the past 4 nights. This is apparently the key to survival right now.
Challenges:
1) I’m starting a call week (!!!)
2) I’m somewhat sick and I think G is too (mildly).
Wish us luck.
15 Comments
Just wanted to say I”m sorry things are tough and give you a mental fist bump. My son is 5 weeks old and is a pretty decent sleeper *for a 5 week old* but it”s still tough. I hate hate hate being cranky with my older kid because I”m tired- I am so dreading adding work back in to the mix. When I am tired everything is so much harder. Keep on keepin” on. It gets easier (as you know) or at least that”s what I”m telling myself.
The “how does it feel to be back?” questions are the worst! I remember getting choked up on my first day back when asked that. I”m sure it”s even harder with a new crop of patients each day (vs. a finite set of coworkers who just ask in the first couple days). But as you know, it does easier. Hang in there!
Good luck! I agree with the above comments, it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job in what is a really stressful situation. I hope your on-call goes smoothly and swiftly.
As an aside G is just the cutest 🙂
You went through this with your older two, and it got better… at about 6-7 months? Hang in there. Pretty soon she”ll be two and you”ll decide you want a 4th. 😉
The sympathetic "how are you?" face is the worst! I was quite happy to be back at 5 months post-partum and found it really anxiety provoking. Should I be sad? Should I feel guilty for not feeling guilty?
It is very, very hard to go back to work with a young baby. For every woman, the time when they are ready differs, but I’m personally of the view that there’s a minimum for most women to maximize mental and physical wellbeing. (I’m sure I’ve commented before about the ridiculous lack of parental leave in the US, so I won’t belabour the point any further.) But given the reality you have to deal with, you are just doing fantastic. Sending good vibes your way…pretty soon, it will be the 6th trimester, and you’ll be a pro 🙂
I”ve only listened to the beginning of this week”s podcast, but I”m definitely looking forward to the rest. My ER visits have run the gamut from a probable overreaction to a child vomiting (we thought he may have eaten a good bit of a spongy stress ball…he didn”t) to being the people who caused alarms to go off in the PICU and for everyone to drop what they were doing to deal with my son after a serious head injury. I”ll take the former every time!
I had pictures of my baby son on my desk and would find myself crying and pumping on the regular the first three months or so I was back to work. I never thought it would get easier when I was in it and then day by day it did. But it is so. hard. You are such an inspiration. I am new blog reader, love the podcast. Lawyer and a mama to one two year old, with hopeful plans for a second in the next 1.5-2 years.
As always, one of the best parts of your blog is your honesty about the good stuff and the hard stuff. Hang in there. Your kids look so happy and you’re doing it. xoxo
Hugs!!! (and yes, those questions about "how do you feel"…really what do they expect?)
I think the appropriate thing to say is just "welcome back! congrats! hang in there"
Baby G is so cute!!! Fingers crossed that things turn around soon!
Just listened to today”s podcast – going back is so hard. I watched baby videos while pumping (with sound/headphones) and found that helped some. Even videos of baby nursing… good luck!
Thank you for writing this out. I’m feeling a lot of these feels with my 4.5 month old and being back to work since February. It does get easier, but man it’s a tough slog for at least a few more months. Just wanted tot say, hang in there, I hear you and you’re doing amazing.
You are doing awesome! Even when you don’t feel it on the inside – you can see evidence of such a cute happy baby.
Just wanted to send you a little virtual attagirl comment! It sounds like you’re doing a great job, admitting that what’s hard is hard, and forging through this transition well.