I had a really rough solo parenting weekend. I felt like I was . . . fighting a current the entire time. This current was a dissolution into mess + chaos + fighting, which caused a lot of angst on my part and no, I did not maintain a zen mindset.
Instead I screamed at everyone to just GET OUT OF MY AREA AND LET ME CLEAN UP THIS DISASTROUS KITCHEN IN PEACE AND ALSO STOP KILLING EACH OTHER. And then I sat on the floor of said disastrous kitchen and cried a little bit with three spectators who NEVER DO actually get out of my area.
There were so many messes, so much fighting, a surfeit of screen time (which of course I felt guilty about) and basically zero adult conversation for me. There was catastrophizing (SO THIS IS WHAT THE REST OF MY LIFE WIILL BE LIKE) and feelings of failure as a parent.
It was bad.
I spent some time venting in my bedside journal but did not have answers. I still don’t. But I know that I want to do better. I don’t want my kids’ memories of me (and their childhood) to be . . . that. I decided to purchase the Simple Families Foundations program yesterday because I’m hoping that may provide some ideas for change. But obviously that’s not going to magically solve everything.
Things that contributed to the weekend’s poor outcome:
I tried to do too much without any help. I desperately wanted to do some things that were for me (work on some blog stuff, actually cook dinner, do a yoga workout, etc) and I tried to do them without childcare. It was an exercise in futility and frustration. That said, I don’t want to hire childcare regularly for solo parenting weekends and I also bristle at the idea that I just can’t do anything. So no answer there.
Both days the kids were up before 6:30. I have to drag them out of bed most weekdays at 6:50. Josh thinks perhaps they are missing a sleep cycle on weekends.
A went to a sleepover on Saturday night, which seemed to really mess up our balance, and also she was a sunburned ornery disaster upon returning home. Probably just not a great match for solo parenting weekends.
We have too much #($*@ stuff in our house, particularly given that there is a 3 year old rifling through everyone’s things all of the time.
I don’t know. Part of me wants to pursue some kind of parenting therapy. My kids are challenging; honestly, I believe they are more challenging than average, though less challenging than some. I want them to look back on their childhood home and have a sense of calm and safety. I want them to remember parents who listened and did fun things with them and appeared to enjoy life. I do not want them to think back to their childhoods and remember a seemingly miserably mother who yelled a lot and struggled to get through the weekend days.
That’s all I have. Yesterday did go better (morning, dinner, bedtime). My next solo weekend is in 2.5 weeks (approx every 3rd weekend). I am determined to have a better one.