A common question sent into BLP is about planning in the face of hard things or uncertainty. This episode is a raw/current one about some challenges happening in my life right now and how I am going to try to handle them. Please note: this episode was recorded from a hospital room with no special mic so the sound quality might be a little different.
The episode was also recorded before my EP study and at the time I didn’t know I would definitely need the ICD (implanted defibrillator), but that unfortunately did turn out to be the case. The “top” diagnosis remains ARVD though I am considering it tentative until I get confirmation from an expert center, plus I still have some genetic testing to do. (Note: according to the doctors, I needed the ICD for safety no matter what the underlying diagnosis is based on my episode and EP study results, so Josh and I are pretty confident I did not get surgery for nothing).
I am currently HOME (that is good at least!) since Saturday, in some pain but it definitely gets better with medications (trying to stick to mostly non-narcotics and higher dose ibuprofen does help a lot). The pain is mostly on the left side where the implant is, plus along my left ribs and up the left side of my sternum where there are wires tunneled under the skin. I am sure there is swelling but right now the implant looks really bulky to me (like a deck of cards that sticks out under my armpit) and I hope it gets less prominent with time.
I am feeling kind of shocked and sad right now trying to process how in the world this all happened so fast. I mean obviously whatever happened to my heart did not happen that fast, but aside from one similar episode in early 2020 (also after a half; in that case, I wasn’t very well trained and the episode resolved on its own after 40 minutes) I felt overall quite good over the last 5 years doing a very high amount of activity so this is just like . . . a shock.
(Side note re: the 2020 episode — I planned on mentioning the episode to my PCP but I am pretty sure my appointment got cancelled due to COVID, plus I’m not sure they would have found anything anyway because my echo was read as normal even this time, and I’ve had EKGs since then that were normal. I completely forgot about it after that and the symptoms never happened like that again until this time. Looking back on how I felt, though, I’m pretty sure I was in VT that just resolved on its own.)
I know in many ways I’m so, so lucky — lots of people go through years of agonizing waiting and many dangerous episodes before they figure things out, or they feel tired and off for months with spells of unexplained heart rate issues. AND, others have sudden death before ever getting a diagnosis, which is obviously the worst case scenario and heartbreaking. Compared to either of those scenarios, my quick episode-to-diagnosis pathway was downright fortunate (I was even in a “good” place to have my first prolonged VT, close to medical attention and the hospital), and yet it makes everything so hard to swallow. I look at the results in my medical record and can’t believe they are mine.
Assuming my doctors support it, I think I am going to take two (not 1) weeks off from my clinical job since I am in more pain than I thought, feel foggy and exhausted, and just feel like I will need it. Plus I have appointments to deal with, need to have some labs checked, etc. I also need to start therapy (like, ASAP, I can tell this will be really important).
I might sound a little bit more down in this post, but I have hope and I continue to have so much gratitude for everyone in my life sending me support. I am going to take my own advice, zoom in, take one day at a time. Previous mantras of mine have included “perspective is everything” (also an Aimee Mann lyric) and “every day is a gift” (similar to Jenny’s every day counts) and never have they rung more true than now.
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75 Comments
Holding two thoughts in mind: grateful you are alive and I also know everything about this sucks. You know I am cheering for you.
Exactly! Well said…still sending prayers from CT. Kate
Well, hello, Ms. Laura Vanderkam.
So glad you are home and broadly ok. Yep, this totally sucks and it’s entirely ok to feel down about it. However, having having read your blog for years, I know you’ll come through it. Hugely appreciate your honesty and sharing what you are going through. Take care. Xx
Thinking of you Sarah! The intersection of gratitude and grief can be tricky to navigate. My wish for you is the gift of ordinary (albeit different) days. xo
Sending lots of good healing and sinus rhythm vibes to you. Please take all the time to you need to process this and recreate your new normal .
Sarah, I’ve been following you since 2017 went best of both worlds started. It was served up to me as a suggestion when I searched for “American working moms podcast”. As a Brit, I was really struggling to get into the American corporate workplace culture, while having two children under the age of three.
You’ve been a constant source of inspiration to me since 2017, but no more so than how you are dealing with this situation and have dealt with challenging situations With class and grace.
We’re here for you when you want us! We’re happy to leave you alone when you’re needing space. I look forward to following you on your journey because I know you’ll make it awesome.
Wow, I don’t follow your blog regularly so I was very surprised to hear your episode just now. So glad you are home and are beginning to get some answers to this life-altering news. I also just read your last few blog posts to catch up.
I have dealt with a number of lifelong chronic health issues and changing perspectives as I get older and I know I will appreciate your insights on planning in light of health stuff. I applaud your note about lining up mental health support as soon as possible. I’m also happy to share my own insight about medical complexities and planning if you’re interested.
Glad you are home and hopefully your familiar surroundings will help your healing. You are in my thoughts as you travel this unexpected journey. Take care!
Thanks for being so willing to share all this with us. Thinking of you.
This was an emotional episode to listen to! I knew it had happened, but hearing you tell the story in your own voice really brought tears to my eyes. I’m so grateful that you were where you were when this happens if you could get the help you needed. I recently heard a quote on another podcast saying that ‘ grief is a blanket of love’ – I hope you continue to feel the love and support of this community! ❤️
I agree with this, when she said “I love my babies” 🥺 made me tear up. Sarah I hope you take all the time you need to recover and we’re all rooting for you.
You are AMAZING. I don’t think many other people would be able to produce a podcast episode under these circumstances, and you did with such grace and honesty and thoughtfulness even in such a hard time.
So glad to hear you are home and the procedure for the ICD went well, you’ve been popping in my mind all weekend. Having had a liver transplant now many years ago, I get the grateful for a quick diagnosis and being alive but also pissed and sad at the changes it brings. It’s so OK to feel both. 🥰
Hi Sarah, thank you so much for today’s episode. I have also been through sudden health changes in previous years, and I find your gentle thoughtfulness inspiring. Sending you very best wishes, please keep cosy and let us know if you need book or film recommendations for the next two weeks x
I have been thinking of you so much <3
I am thinking of you and sending you wishes for a speedy physical recovery. Of course your feelings around all of this are complex and they are what they are…they are your feelings. Those of us who love planning often hate uncertainty. I am glad you have the support you need and that you are making plans to take care of yourself.
Glad you’re home and wishing you a speedy recovery. In the past year, I’ve also gone through a diagnosis that I’ve not quite come to terms with, as it comes with a lot of uncertainty. Taking it one day at a time helps. Allowing yourself to dedicate only a few minutes a day to worrying about the future helps.
I am thinking of you and empathize with all the mixed emotions. I just went through my own health scare, and I think the mixed emotions are totally normal. It’s okay to feel down, as you say, when we go through a major health crisis. As Moms I think it’s especially scary because it causes us to face our own mortality and how precious our role is in life. I don’t have any wise words but offering solidarity in a similar situation. We will get through this!
You never have to apologize for grieving this or feeling down at all. It IS sudden and shocking and changes your life a lot. you have a lot of perspective already but you still have to feel the feelings and therapy is so smart. I listened to this episode on the ride to work and was nearly in tears for you because it is traumatic to suddenly be evaluating your life like that.
I love that you gave yourself grace in the hospital to think about what you would tell a listener who wrote in with a similar situation. Your feelings won’t always make sense or focus on the right things. Anyway, rambling on but sending you support in this stage
Best wishes for a quick recovery! My mom was diagnosed with ARVD in her late 40s, about 20 years ago. It’s definitely a manageable condition and the ICD keeps you safe! She still lives a very active life (but was never a marathoner!).
Really moved and relieved to hear you’re ok. I have been following along your blog and podcast for ages and know that if anyone has the fortitude, grace and intelligence to get through this adversity, it’s you! Take care and one day – one hour – at a time. You will inspire us all as you make it work, as you always have!!
So glad to hear that you are home and doing ok (besides being tired and in some pain). I thought about you frequently this weekend and hoped that you had made it home okay after the ICD placement. It’s absolutely okay to feel both grateful that it was caught and managed with quick treatment AND disappointed or sad or angry that this happened. Hope that you’re able to get some rest in for these couple of weeks away from the clinic (and maybe some good reading?) and I’ll continue to be wishing you well.
I listed to the episode this morning and it was amazing. I am so happy that you are back home.
Yes to everything – two weeks away from your job so that you can focus on healing, therapy ASAP, and all of the medical appointments and answers to come. I know that this was not the situation that you planned for, and that planning alone is not the answer, but the planning process sure helps with every step of the way.
BTW I started watching ACV over the weekend and I am HOOKED.
Wow. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I mean, yes, many things to be thankful for here, but losing running will be a real loss and I imagine that being faced so starkly with your mortality is tough. Wishing you all the best from Brooklyn.
Sarah, I am a longtime listener and reader of your blog, but got behind in my consumption so this is the first I am seeing of this! (Also my first post here.) I’m so sorry that this happened to you, and as you said, so grateful that you were in a space to have the expedient attention and intervention that you needed!
I think that you and I share many personality traits, and can imagine how I would feel if my favorite form of physical activity/stress relief/endorphin provider was suddenly and unexpectedly taken off the table, even if for valid and necessary reasons – I would feel grief. So for me this would be a both/and situation – both things are true, despite them being opposites – not to mention the remaining uncertainty. What a liminal space for you right now. I know that you will take the time that you need and make good use of your support systems, and will ultimately settle into a new normal; sending you so much love from a fellow planner and doer. Thank you for all of the expertise, wise counsel, and great content that you provide.
Sending best wishes for rest, recovery, time to process things. I truly appreciate your insights and your work, it has meant a lot to me and helped me process things in my life so I want to thank you for that!
Thinking of you and sending good wishes your way. You are inspiring in so many ways!
Refuah shleimah! Thinking of you.
Woah! That was not what I was expecting when I turned on your podcast today. I’m so sorry this has happened but I know you will find your way through all of this. You’ve gone into it with lots of good things in place and that is all going to serve you well. Take gentle care of yourself and don’t worry about the podcast. I won’t bat at an eye at some repeats. I wouldn’t in any case but certainly not in this one!
Sending you wishes for healing and peace! Thank you for all of the joy you have brought into the lives of so many through your podcasts (which I look forward to each week) and other media. Although this is hard now I’m sure you will come through it in the best way possible, and perhaps will come to appreciate long walks, slow swims, and other alternatives to running that can provide a dopamine boost. Refuah shlemah!
Hi Sarah,
Just want to say I’m thinking of you and your family ❤️
It is a lot to process on such a short period of time. Hope your recovery goes well and that with time you’ll get through this as easily as possible.
your podcast today was so moving and I hope that sharing your story was indeed therapeutic.
Wishing you health and some peace of mind soon❤️🩹
Thinking of you during this time and grateful that you are alive and ok! Thank you for sharing this with us…sending you positive thoughts of healing and strength through this next phase of the journey.
I’m glad to hear you are home and making space to heal and process such a stressful situation. Taking it one day at a time seems like a great idea and holding the both/and nature of it all.
Sending you peace, calm, and hugs as you navigate this new path forward. So courageous of you to share your story– You have reminded me to take a deep breath, look around, be grateful, be present. We are so glad you are here. Wishing you the very best.
Thinking of you Sarah SO much.
Really, this must have been such a scary event for you (and your family), and such a change from your usual routine. If someone told me I couldn’t do something I do every day because I love it and it makes me feel good, my head would be spinning, too. And I’d be grieving for my lost self-who-could-do-anything. You sound like you have a plan and support, which is great, and also that your own attitude is pretty positive. As you can see from the comments, you are much loved readers and listeners to the podcast, and we’re all rooting for you. Hope that helps a little 🙂
Thank you for sharing something so personal. I have enjoyed your content for years and who you are shines through with this particular challenge. Glad you are taking the time/space you need to process this. Rooting for/thinking of you!
I know it just adds one more thing to the list, but think about therapy for your family, too. I’m sure it’s been terrifying week for all of you ((hugs)).
I’m glad you’re home and that the surgery was successful and you now have the defibrillator on board. It makes total sense to me that you would be in a state of shock and disbelief and grief right now. You have such a fantastic perspective on all the ways this health event went *well*, and you are allowed to also feel angry and sad and all the things. Thinking of you and your family as you navigate all these challenges and the changes they bring to your lives. Most of all, glad you are here. <3
I am grateful that you’re home and safe, with answers hopefully forthcoming. I am shocked this happened so quickly especially given what you were doing less than 7 days ago. I am so sad about the uncertainty of diagnosis and what this means for you engaging in an activity that brings you so much meaning and joy.
I don’t even know you, outside of your blog, and if I feel all of those things, you’re more than allowed to feel the thousands of emotions that you are feeling and to take the time you need to process all of them. A lot of people are thinking of you. Thank you for being so open about everything.
So grateful for this update and to hear that things are on the mend. I just haven’t been able to stop worrying about you all weekend. I love your positivity and gratitude in the face of everything. You’re just an amazing person! Sending my best wishes your way for you and your family!
Sarah, I am a long time listener/reader and wish you all the best. Thank you for bringing the need for therapy to the forefront as I am sure it is important to many of us. Hugging you from New Jersey.
I’m impressed you got a podcast episode out today!!! Even though I knew what happened, hearing you tell the story was terrifying. “I love my babies” resonated deep in my soul.
I also listened to the Running Explained podcast episode with Kate Edwards. Kind of crazy that it took her so long to get a diagnosis, and you had one episode (or, two if you count 2020- but I bet you had forgotten all about that) and, boom- here you are. It is a lot to process so quickly.
“Every day is a gift”- you could easily not be here right now (eek- so horrifying to think that thought) so you could say every day forward is a “bonus” day for you. Of course it doesn’t sound like you’re feeling great right now- you’d probably like your bonus days to feel a bit better than this- but you’ll get there. One thing I remember from the podcast with Kate is she said “I feel really good right now.” You’ll get there, it just takes time. And therapy ; )
Thinking of you and wishing you a safe and smooth recovery. You have so many people cheering you on. Thank you for the kindness you’ve shown to this community for so long. Hope you are able to take the time you need to rest and recuperate!
It is absolutely more than fair to recognize that in many ways you are and were lucky, but at the same time be upset about the whole thing. Like many readers above, I have appreciated your openness about sharing. I am glad you are at least finally home!
Sarah, I’m so happy to hear you are home safely and glad (and not surprised) you are being intentional with rest and recovery. One day at a time sounds absolutely right. That you have suffered a loss is 100% real- and I’m really grateful you are still here. Wishing you well, and hoping you enjoy some Derry Girls or other enjoyable tv/books!
Glad you’re home, and even more happy to hear you’re going to take 2 wks off from clinical work. Very necessary. It’s during times like these that I like to read Kate Bowler
I agree. Sarah, if you don’t know of Kate Bowler, she is a professor at Duke Divinity School who was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer at age 35. She writes from that lens. She also has a podcast called “Everything Happens” and a couple months ago did an interview with Oliver Burkeman. I meant to email you about that podcast because I know how much you enjoy him.
Thinking of you this past week, Sarah – I have been following your blog since I’m guessing 2010ish? – before I went to med school in 2012, and before either of us had kids. I know we don’t actually know each other but I have gotten so much out of your blog over the years and I so appreciate you putting all of it out into the world. Sending some love and care your way as you’ve been navigating all of this.
Just wanted to put this out there – I had a (very different circumstances) traumatic medical event happen a couple years ago which involved a lot of shock and grief, a dramatic impact on my life and my husband and 2 kiddos who were also navigating it. The single most valuable thing I did (besides having an incredibly supportive family and community) was a specific form of trauma therapy called ART – accelerated resolution therapy. Just a plug to consider a specific modality geared toward helping you process traumatic events. Life changing for me in that healing process.
Take time and take care.
Sarah, I’ve been thinking about you all week and I’m so glad you are home safely. Thank you for your vulnerable sharing on the podcast. I can’t help thinking about how crazy busy and stressful the past few weeks have been for you- call week, then finishing your book, then traveling to speak and then this race. All in top of your clinical work and family stuff. You do deserve some rest time and self care and a break from all your responsibilities. Please don’t feel like you need to rush things. Podcast reruns are fine with us. Sending you and your family lots of love.
Sarah, I’ve now read your post twice and listened to this episode. It was just amazing to hear. I cried in solidarity with you. I also support if you decide you want to record new episodes that are updates on how you’re doing. It could be a whole mini episodes arc on handling sudden life changing events and managing grief. From an outsider’s perspective, this seems like a moment of shock that has to be accompanied by grief. How could it be any other way?—even while accompanied by gratitude for your life.
I am sorry that this has happened to you. I will keep praying for you and appreciate your updates and transparency. I know sharing your experience is helping others or will help others who are going through their own sudden life changes.
Hugs & love from Seattle
Sarah, I can’t imagine how overwhelming this must be, but I admire your foresight in 1. Admitting you need time to rest/heal/process and 2. Acknowledging that this will be a mental challenge in addition to physical (and being prepared to deal with that already!). Please know that you have people cheering you on and thinking of you (I knew before but can also tell from this comment section – you are beloved!) Wishing you strength, comfort, and all the support you need right now. Hugs <3
Thinking of you and sending best wishes for recovery and finding your way forward with all the changes.
Sarah – apologies if I am double posting. Don’t see my first one.
I can’t imagine how overwhelmed you must feel. So much to deal with – both mentally and physically of course! Please know that you have people cheering you on and thinking of you (I know from this comment section and many prior – you are loved!) Wishing you strength, comfort, and all the support you need right now. Hugs from Chicago.
Sarah – wishing you fast and complete recovery! Take care of yourself physically and emotionally (that includes slowing down, taking time off work and not feeling guilty about it). Looking forward to your updates and new podcast episodes!
Thank you for sharing this update, Sarah. I’m sure I was not the only reader thinking of you this weekend! Sending you healing thoughts in this tough time.
Sending you good vibes and, someday, renewed hope for the future!
For the record I’m person #55 who’s writing a comment on this page. I also left a comment for the last BLP episode.
I did feel you at the moment when you were thinking “I love my family members”, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger, and I’m glad that you can return home now. One implication that I suspect will occur – besides holding a catheter in the heart for some time – is that if patients come to see you in the future, they’re going to question your qualifications if you’re not healthy 100% of the time. Of course, one can also easily interpret this incident as “Since you had the experience of recovering from this disease, you could totally show patients how to do the same.”
Indeed, it could also be that most of your physician colleagues also had histories of being sick for weeks or even months. You could tell me if that’s the case, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger.
I do think you can totally repeat some past episodes or record less-than-5-minute-long episodes this month, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger.
Sarah, I listened to the podcast on the way home. Listened to your voice shake. Listened to the tears held in your throat and the fear and the courage. I sometimes think it’s harder for people who understand the medical stuff because you know what it all means. I’m glad you are starting therapy and you are taking some time off. Look after you. 💖
Just sending so much love your way.
Thank you for sharing such a difficult health event. Your emotion came through but yet you were controlled and positive. I hope you do get those two weeks to rest and regroup.
Sarah – I am a long time blog reader and BBW listener, first time commentor. I just want to say I’m thinking of you, your voice had me tearing up, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now. I’m so glad that the medics were there to help and support you (and will be there going forward) and that you’ve at least started with the S-ICD. I imagine this is going to be a journey, but you have so many positive thoughts coming your way – and we will ALL understand if you need to take time out, just vent, what ever you need. Take care of you however works for you. All the very best.
Oy, Sarah, I’m so sorry all this is happening. Thank you for sharing your journey, and I’m glad you are home now. What a plot twist in life. It sounds you are holding both grief and gratitude – that is more than a handful. Sending positive thoughts your way.
This is an emotional episode to record I bet. Both minds are valid, and hope you are on your way to recovery and feeling better each day.
Such a moving episode. Rest and gratitude are something we can all focus more on, so smart. Sending wishes for a cozy and restful and peaceful time at home this week.
Thank you for sharing, hearing what happened in your own words was very powerful, and I realised what a traumatic and terrifying event it was. I got emotional listening. Glad to hear you are home now and recovering. Good idea to take 2 weeks off and get therapy early, and take your time processing and resting. Sending support and healing vibes your way.
I’m a long time reader, I found your blog in 2011 when I was having trouble getting pregnant with my now 12 year old. I owe you a belated thanks for your diagrams! I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation and wishing you an easy recovery. Things like this really do bring out immense gratitude mixed with grief – it can be so challenging to hold both those feelings at the same time. I had a different medical emergency a few years ago (emergency spinal surgery) that also required that I give up running. It’s a very complex thing to navigate especially when you cannot do the activity that is your normal outlet for working through hard feelings. I have found IFS therapy to be very helpful to me in my process, and if it is any solace, I’m very happy as a yoga and Pilates person now (and frankly more emotionally regulated).
Hi Sarah – wow, indeed, what a shocking turn of events!! But I am so happy to hear you are on your way recovering. Very sorry for what you’re going through!! Sounds like you’re handling it like a real champ and role model for us planners.
I’ve been meaning to write to you forever that I discovered your podcast last year as I started my planning journey and binge listened to it during some road trips. Yours is the first and only podcast I anticipate each week to hear a new episode! And last year I remember thinking, “I wish this woman had a book” and was SO excited to hear you are writing one!! You have a pre-order right here.
Sharing this now to let you know that your work has affected at least one person, me, very, very positively and from the comments I can see many others, too, so thank you very much for sharing your knowledge and insights and enthusiasm with us. We are all here for you. Sending you the best wishes during this recovery and adjustment to a new normal – you are loved. Blessings to you.
Listening to the episode brought be tears, worries and gratitude that you are safe. I will keep you in my prayers. Sending you hugs and best wishes during this journey recoveries physically and mentally.
I am popping by to make my first comment and let you know I listened to your podcast Monday morning and cannot stop thinking about you. Holding you close in my thoughts while you navigate dealing with your health, the trauma from race day, and grieving a life without running. You have a community of people rooting for you and wanting you to care for yourself!
You are such a wise woman. This is a legitimately traumatic turn of events. Glad you are seeking therapy and taking care of yourself. You deserve to grieve and to rest. I’m so sorry this happened!
Sarah, you don’t know me, but I feel like I have a parasocial relationship with you from reading your blog and listening to both of your podcasts. I thought about you so much over the weekend and was relieved to hear that everything had gone well with the surgery and you were able to get home.
Just wanted to echo what others have already said – this is totally a ‘both/and’ situation – you can be grateful for the medical care and the quick diagnosis AND gutted by the sudden upheaval in your life and the unwanted changes coming, especially the loss of running, which I know has been so important to you.
My impression is that sometimes you self-censor on the podcasts and the blog – that you are very quick to minimize complaints that you make, or acknowledge your privilege, etc, and I just wanted to put it out there that I truly hope you don’t feel you have to self-censor with this situation, especially if you want to use the blog to work through your feelings. We all know that you are so grateful to be alive but there are surely going to be some ugly times ahead as you work to process everything, and I hope you feel safe enough to put how you’re really feeling on here (if that’s helpful to you), and not feel like you have to continually emphasize the gratitude side of things. Some of this is just going to be (and feel) really shitty, and it would feel worse (I would think) if you felt like you couldn’t be open and honest on this blog, which has been an outlet for you for so long.
I am so sorry about all this as we can tell how much running has been a source of joy for you. Sending positive healing energy your way