the mystery of motivation.
i either have it, or i don’t. the thing is, when i’m on, i’m on. my daily life morphs virtually (and sometimes literally) into a series of tasks written neatly next to empty squares, and i set to plowing through the life-list like an enterprising squirrel storing piles of acorns for winter. i am goal-directed, i am efficient, and i am almost giddy with purpose. i get up early. i work out religiously. academically, i am systematic and persistent.
if i stayed like that all the time, however, i probably would explode. plus, i’d make everyone around me want to barf. the thing is, i can’t remain on forever. eventually, things start to deteriorate. an extra hour (or four) of sleep, laundry left wrinkled in the dryer, and chapters of appleton & lange left unexplored despite empty boxes with dates next to them on my list (as in, i was “supposed” to have finished chapters 1 to 3 by now. uh oh
i sound a bit bipolar, but really i’m not. i think we all have these ups and downs. i would probably guess that mine are a little higher/lower than the average, but still within-normal-limits. as you might have guessed, i am on a downswing right now. though i have a shelf exam and an “in-house test” coming up, i made up my mind upon waking this morning that i was going to do absolutely nothing today. this includes not running (excuse = my shins hurt from hiking = lame), not cleaning (you should see my desk right now), and not studying (even though the aforementioned tests are rapidly approaching).
* * * * *
so i’m still in durham. i didn’t go back to lumberton today because our entire med school class had to sit for a 4-hour Comprehensive Basic Science Exam. this sounds worse than it was. first, the exam didn’t really take 4 hours (because random guessing doesn’t take that long!), and second, it didn’t count for anything. we all took the same test (well, different questions) last year, after our abbreviated basic science year was over. i think that the heads of our med school make us take the thing twice so that they can say, “see? the clinical experience really does improve comprehension and knowledge in the basic sciences.” it is true that most of my classmates thought that the test was easier this year. sadly, i’m not so sure. i was pretty horrified by the number of things i SWEAR I USED TO KNOW, but forgot, and also horrified by how many things i am going to HAVE TO KNOW before i take my boards next year. i can learn fairly quickly and regurgitate quite well, but it doesn’t necessarily tend to last inside my head
on another sad note, i’m home alone tonight. josh went back to fayetteville to deliver babies (he hopes). somehow i found myself wallowing in my loneliness on bananarepublic.com, and i bought some shoes. they are pink.