Near-death experiences
I am reading about near-death experiences in You Only Die Once. I am trying to decide whether my own near-death experience ~9 months ago has had a profound impact on my mindset/attitudes/thinking.
(I am not 100% sure the physics of my accident actually brought me close to death or not, but I am not sure that matters, because I absolutely thought in the moment that the car was going to roll over me and that was going to be the end of my life, or the life as I knew it. In the seconds I spent pinned against the ground, straining against the car rolling backwards my main train of thought was “NO, NOT YET, NOT NOW, I’M NOT DONE HERE” mixed with thoughts of utter panic that at least one kid was still in the car that was moving with no driver.)
((I actually don’t really enjoy reliving this moment, and so reading the ‘near-death experiences’ chapter is a bit difficult, but I figure maybe it will be good for me in the end.))
ANYWAY. Did it change me? It’s hard to say. I spent the weeks after the event not walking around in a pink-tinged cloud of gratitude, but in physical pain plus sadness/regret/anger around what had happened. BUT obviously I (fully) healed, and even though I can still feel scar tissue on my right quad, things worked out in the end.
Did I forget about the event (I guess not, given this post), or did it shape me in any meaningful way? I am leaning towards yes, though it wasn’t in the form of an immediate epiphany. Instead I feel like this event may have had slower subconscious shifts in the way I think and move through the world. I am more likely to ask myself “does this REALLY matter in the end?” when it comes to certain challenges. I am more likely to say “yes!” to things that sound exciting and life-affirming — my 2024 Word of the Year was experience, after all. And I’m somewhat obsessed with not wasting time on thought patterns and behaviors that don’t serve me, though that isn’t totally new.
What would you do differently . . .
. . . if you had one year left to live? (or, 5 years? 3 months?)
These are all really interesting to think about. This was not an exercise in the book (not yet, anyway — I’m not done) but this is where my mind is wandering after thinking about all of these things.
With any of these time frames, I would absolutely still run. Maybe one more marathon (though maybe not with the 3 month time frame!).
I would probably travel more though not all the time. I would go to Japan for the Hobonichi release, back to Hawaii with Josh and the kids, and to Montana every winter I had left. I would visit beautiful natural areas and attend concerts by my favorite artists.
I would have more social events with friends. I would host more.
I would spend a lot of time just hanging out with the kids. They would each get a special 1:1 weekend to spend with me doing things we both enjoy.
I would get more massages.
I would finish my book proposal more efficiently and get it out into the world!
I would stop doing the parts of my job that I don’t like and keep the parts that feel meaningful to me. I would REALLY try hard to not take any more call and this would cascade into a revamp of the entire call system to make it better for everyone. (Fantasizing here but whatever!)
I would probably spend more money (on travel + hosting people), though would want to leave savings intact largely for the kids.
I would declutter things mostly because I don’t want to leave a whole mess of #(*$* for the people left behind, though I would not spend TOO much time doing this at the expense of the above. I would probably give a TON of things away.
What would you do? I am struck by how many of the above things I could ACTUALLY BE DOING right now.
29 Comments
I think about this kind of thing a lot (not in a morbid way! just in a trying to make the most of my time way!). I get stuck between this feeling of wanting to do all those things now, to the best of my ability, because you truly never know how much time you have — and, you know, being reasonable and responsible and preparing for a long future. It’s easy to say “oh I’ll do x in retirement” — you don’t know! My mother died in her early 60s when she still had so much life ahead of her, and that has had a big impact on my choices now. I don’t want to save everything for a future that may or may not be waiting for me, even if I don’t have the misfortune to die young. But at the same time, I have to balance that with the obligations and limitations that I have now — a job, 3 kids, finances we need to spread out and save, 24 hours in a day, etc — and actually put in the work now to prepare myself for the future I envision. But yes I think about this a lot. The book sounds interesting!
I agree with Amy’s comment. It’s a balancing act, and a hard one! Because while yes, part of me just wants to do “all the fun things”, the reality is that regular life does require time to be spent on some “less pleasant, but still overall worthwhile things”. Example, we need to repaint some exterior trim around our front door and our patio door. Not super fun, but the alternative is having a house that starts to crumble apart eventually if we don’t maintain it! I don’t like that option, either. Yeah, could outsource, but it’s not a huge job and outsourcing still requires time/effort to research and figure out who would do it AND then pay for it, on top of it. So, some near and upcoming Saturday will likely be spent sanding and painting the trim. Not exactly a “live it up before we die” activity, but in reality I will ultimately enjoy walking outside and not seeing peeling paint anymore!
Anyway, I know you mean looking at the bigger picture and trying to figure out which big rocks should take priority, and I agree with that. Looking at your list, I feel like you are basically already doing all the things you said you want to do! Maybe you would just do a little bit MORE, but I feel like you already do a lot of all those things mostly and are doing a great job.
This also reminded me that I wrote about similar topic last fall, but slightly different angle- more on what I would do if I had unlimited free time. https://gratefulkae.com/2023/09/13/what-would-i-do-with-more-time/ I just had fun re-reading this list, and now I want to retire and do them all. LOL. just kidding.
Wow, interesting topic! It’s definitely a balancing act. For all any of us know, we could have one year left to live, so we should definitely do the things that are important to us and not put them off. On the other hand, HOPEFULLY we will have more than a year, so we can’t quit our jobs and spend all our savings. I guess it’s something to think about- how could I live life more fully right now, while not doing anything to jeopardize my future. I remember your incident from last year, and it’s crazy to think how life could change so drastically in an instant.
Ooooh this is such a good thought exercise. I am going to schedule time to ponder this question– what would I do differently if I knew my timeline– and structure some things accordingly– hopefully before the new academic year. I am fascinated by how much you could do right now to live that way, and I suspect I would have similar results…
This topic is definitely on my mind lately because a man from my running group who is only 60 is in his final weeks of life. He was diagnosed with pancreatic and liver cancer in December or January and the end has come so unexpectedly and so fast… I feel like I’m still processing it all.
I remember having a conversation with my dad – who is a combat vet from the Vietnam war – many years ago and he talked about how at one point he came to terms with the fact that he would never survive the war. Except then he did (obv or I wouldn’t be writing this, lol), and he’s always viewed everything that’s happened to him – good and bad- as like… a bonus.
Not even sure exactly why I’m sharing that story except that I agree our perspective on death can have a big impact on how we live our lives.
wow. that is powerful and i’m glad you DID share. and how incredibly sad about your running friend. I hope he was able to enjoy the months he had after diagnosis to the fullest. But still that is so heartbreaking and too soon.
Oof this is a hefty topic and something I’d need to put more thought into before I could really answer it. The co-owner of our daycare passed away in early July from cancer and she was only 41! We got to know her pretty well because she stepped in when the director left and was tended to be the person opening the daycare. She was Taco’s favorite person and could calm him down better than anyone else. So we were devastated to find out she had passed away, especially since she is younger than me!!
My husband and I have talked about what we would do if one of us passed away because it helped us make decisions about life insurance. If I were to pass, he would continue working so we opted not to get life insurance for me, plus life insurance would be so expensive for me with all of my medical issues. If my husband passed, I feel that I would need to change roles/step back. I can’t see myself traveling like I do without a spouse at home, nor would I really want to, so we got a term life insurance policy for him so that I could stop work/take a step back if I wanted to. So all that said, If I knew I had limited time left, I would stop working. I love my job but my family doesn’t necessarily need my income. I’d want the freedom to travel more and would spend more time with my parents and siblings in particular.
I get that your husband would keep working if you passed but then what would account for the expenses of replacing YOU. And all of the child care and everything else tha you would have done while your husband is working. Not suggesting that you haven’t accounted for this but it is a huge consideration as well.
I have definitely thought about this. Our book club read The Measure which I’d recommend and it was great discussion. Generally I landed on not changing the big things in my life unless it was <1 year because 1) my family still needs money so work and some semblance of reality would continue and 2) I think about how I want to spend my finite resources of time and money on a regular basis (thanks in large part to BOBW) and feel generally good about my choices. This is another reason I am not a FIRE fan because I want to enjoy my life and money now at this age with my family and all their ages vs. waiting for some freedom in the future. But good to continue to reevaluate and what experiences jump to the top and how to make sure I'm planning for them or making them happen – big or small.
I have to say this is a disturbing topic and there is something off for having this as an intellectual exercise here for time planning. Because when death actually becomes a near term reality for you, it is not an intellectual, but an emotional exercise. I am personally in a limbo right now waiting for some tests to happen to get a diagnosis after an ultrasound. Since the day I found out that there is some risk, hopefully very minor, there is only one thing on my mind: Every day you are alive, you know you are healthy and you are with the people you love the most, it is the best day of your life. It doesn’t matter if you are in Hawaii or you are at home folding laundry. Because facing the possibility of death or an illness diagnosis makes you realize every day you do NOT have to even think about it, and you are just in the daily humdrum of your life, and spending time with your kids doing the most mundane things, you are your full self. You are happy, you are there. It actually doesn’t inspire to do more, and get it done before time is taken away from you, but makes you 1000 times aware how much life there is in your non doing, or not doing anything special in your every day.
I’m sorry it came across as off to you (and can understand why); I am also sorry for what you are going through. I did not mean to make it seem unemotional – it isn’t. But it was spurred by the book I happen to be reading (the author seems to be very convinced that more thinking about these things is helpful for most people) and my own processing of things. What you said about valuing the mundane strikes me as very true yet I believe a lot of us (including me) take it for granted. I do get what you are saying about not spurning more activity and planning. Maybe it’s regretful that my brain went there, and I’ll have to rethink things but it is what seemed to come up for me. Your perspective is valuable and I appreciate you sharing it (seriously, thank you!) even though this didn’t sit right with you.
I think everyone processes a little different. Unfortunately (for both of us), I’m in a similar boat as @Selin and am in a bit of a limbo process waiting for some imaging and additional results following a test last week. It’s been an interesting (and not great?) few days. And as cliche as it sounds, I HAVE been noticing more of the mundane things (kids laughing while they ride bikes, walking outside and listening to the birds, yada yada yada), but I still am thinking intellectually about the whole thing, too – particularly the logistics of job, childcare, setting things up for the future, how my spouse would function in daily life, etc. And there’s for sure planning involved in all of those! There definitely is some added emotion, but in ways I hadn’t expected…my biggest emotions come from worrying that I or my treatment or my care would be a burden on someone, and trying to shield my kids from that. All of that being said, I don’t think this is an inappropriate exercise at all – if nothing else, timely for me! But I get that it doesn’t feel that way for everyone. Just offering another perspective from someone semi-living through this exercise right now.
Oh wow – Thinking of you and hoping for the best results you can have for everything going on.
I read an article recently with a different, but related, thought exercise. Rather than thinking ahead, think back on the last 7 days. If they were truly your last, would you be satisfied with how you spent them? This takes away some of the “I would quit my job and go to Paris” energy of reflecting and keeps it more in the realm of, “am I happy with what I’m actually doing now?”
That said, I had a bit of a freak-out after my MIL died, which is why I went to Antarctica and rode my bike across the country and am taking my mom to Prague and doing another long bike ride with my dad and establishing a family lake week tradition (all in less than 11 months) and now we’re basically on a spending freeze because while I don’t want to die with regrets I also don’t want to outlive my money…the balancing act is real.
I think this is a great question and one I’m going to think about more deeply. Thanks!
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Heavy topic and I have a lot of thoughts. I agree with most of comments above that it’s a balancing act, keeping life running while trying to do things that we would regret if receiving a death sentence. I also can imagine for someone who the risk of death is inminent would start appreciating everyday things that otherwise we take it for granted or even annoyed at the times. They are all true. What I wonder is what’s the right dose of those reminders so we can appreciate more what we have, have something looking forward to (which requires time horizon for healthy body), at the same time not to be stressed about death ALL the time. We tend to get a reminder when someone close to us passes a way, then as mundane life goes on we forget to appreciate our life, until next reminder. I prefer the questions I would like to answer at my funeral, would I regret spending so much time into something that I do now? Would I regret not doing something? Would I like what others say about me? Did I bring some positive vibes to this world and played a role into changing someone’s life? Those questions at the end of my life, no matter how far or close, help to guide my daily/weekly decisions without putting too much stress.
I don’t really have any major bucket list items. Would I like to go to Hawaii? Sure, but now that I have chronic foot pain, it seems like it could be significantly less fun than it would have been before. There’s also the problem of bucket list items in that when you do them there’s all this pressure for everything to go perfectly which makes them not-fun. I also used to think I wanted to travel with my daughter… and we have a trip to NYC planned for a few weeks from now. Unfortunately I worry that my foot pain will be too severe to do any serious sightseeing, and that it will make me cranky, so I am having second thoughts about going. Anyway, I guess this is all to say that while my time on this earth is finite, investing in my day-to-day life (getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, cultivating nice relationships with people) so that I feel more comfortable on a day to day basis is far more valuable than items like travel people talk about all the time.
Totally makes sense and I’m sorry about the foot pain. I hope you are able to find some relief.
decluttering, really?? I know this is a serious topic, but this made me laugh!
Hey, Swedish death cleaning is a thing!
It really is!!
Like can I tactfully buy this book for my in-laws? I live in fear of something happening to them and us having to deal with their packed to the gills house from afar.
ha! Maybe send it . . anonymously. JK!!!
I too am waiting for a tumour diagnosis, which unfortunately won’t come until the tumour is removed in September. And bizarrely, yes, decluttering and getting the house straight is absolutely something we have been doing. Possibly a bit like the nesting instinct before a baby arrives? Maybe taking control of physical things whilst other things are just fate? Maybe I have my priorities skewiff!!!
I have teenage daughters, and I seem to cling to keeping things as normal as possible for them. So maybe the aim should be to make normal as joy-filled as possible in the first place? But also saving to make the future as financially stable for them as possible, which is of great comfort to me not to be a huge worry for my husband owing to the savings plans we have stuck to. Very thought provoking. Maybe I should indeed be drawing up a bucket list!!! Although the post was a massive shock when I first read it, I am grateful to read others’ perspectives, thanks Sarah.
Heart going out to you and I am sorry there was any shock value – I think I got desensitized to the topic a bit by the book i am reading, but it really has been helpful in making me think about these things that are so often . . taboo, or not thought about. making “normal as joy filled as possible” sounds beautiful.
I have not had a near-death experience myself, but after losing my dad last year, somewhat suddenly, I’ve noticed two major shifts. First I prioritize the things I really want like the vacation or the purchase. Not in a YOLO since but in a taking the steps to make them happen over things that are not that important. Second, I find myself being more in the moment and really being present and appreciative of the here and now.
I lost a close friend to cancer last year and since then I really have been more observant of life in general – the good and the bad. As you may know, I like to travel with my quite small kids – internationally, and while some people would say “not worth it” “too much headache” “why are you doing this to yourself?” blah blah blah For me traveling to these amazing places is what me and them do, it’s OUR thing. If I were to die young (I am am now 43) I would not have any regrets because I would know that I invested time and love into these experiences for me and the kids together.
One of my closest friends has been dealing with brain cancer for the last – gasp – 16 years. She’s still here, but her life has been altered and in many ways cut short and it’s a constant reminder to me how precious life is and how thankful we can be for being healthy and able to move without assistance.