But today is one of those days where I feel like I am failing at everything. And I’m just going to let all of that out here in one dump of emotions. Perhaps this will help at least someone else reading it who — despite knowing that objectively things are absolutely fine — is not having a great day today.
My running feels so meh. I cannot believe how slow I had to run today to keep my heart rate / effort level in a reasonable range. I don’t know how I ran the marathon I did just 2 months ago. Am I even the same person?!
My kids are all stressing me out, for different and varying reasons.
Also, it seems like everyone else’s kid is like . . . dominating. At life. Or at least at something. Why do I have ANY negative feelings about this? It is obviously because I am a terrible person.
I am feeling stressed out about my adequacy as a parent, because of course everything is my fault and if I had only kept them away from screens / worked less / been a less terrible person (see above) / [insert your favorite ‘bad parent’ trope here], then things would be better.
My big projects seem so very big and I wonder if I am deluding myself about what is possible.
The calendar seems so filled with things and I am going to run out of paid leave and/or spend half of my work days playing catch-up, and is it even worth it?!
The house is a disaster and I don’t really see how this will ever change.
I have dread about our packed evening calendar next year and don’t know how in the world we won’t all be chronically sleep deprived.
I am also dreading having the kids in two different schools with entirely different systems and calendars. I feel like this is going to be a mess.
I am looking forward to our trip but second guessing the timing, the late night flight, the proximity to camp, the proximity to school, and the time away from work. Also, worried about ever traveling again lest it mess up the kids’ sports endeavors.
Okay. I think it might be a wallowing day (though not one of those wallowing days where I am not productive, I have too much #(*&@ to do for that). PMS much (maybe, even my cycle is not behaving normally)?
Oh, and the stock market is plummeting. Maybe it has PMS too.
I needed that. Hopefully back with more positivity tomorrow.
37 Comments
SAME. I have been struggling with the end of the summer slump and perseverating on our upcoming family trip, school/sports starting for all 3 kiddos, and in general feeling really done with work (my company is amazing but the work has been very meh with a lot of travel). Just wanted to say, I am right there with you and feel incredibly seen by your honesty in this post. Tomorrow will not be today, for better or for worse.
You’re in a completely different stage of life to me (one I very much hope to get to) so thank you for sharing that sometimes it is just a lot! I really appreciate it. Tomorrow is a new day and you can 100% plan your way out of a lot of it! Maybe priorities have to change a bit to ensure adequate sleep but you will figure it out. I have full faith in you!
Sarah — I feel ALL of those things. Often. And when I feel this way I have so much guilt because objectively I have most of the things people want, so how can I feel less than great about it?
(Also it is super hot in FL right now… give yourself some grace with the running. I don’t know how you’re even out there doing it most days, honestly.)
Those school logistics… seem tough. My advice (take it or leave it) would be to prioritize your running as much as possible, since it seems to give you the most joy. Have you thought about hiring another nanny to help with either the mornings or the late evenings?
You kick ass. I know it doesn’t feel like it today, but I don’t know anyone who has your energy and positivity. And yes, the stock market totally has PMS. Gah. We will all be working forever lol.
Girlfriend, ME TOO!!!
(((((HUGS))))) It’s OK to feel like this sometimes. We all do! Hang in there. Your positivity will come back soon.
No words of wisdom, just commiserating with you. I’m sure we’re all in this emotional boat at times and I hope that venting here and wallowing a little helps at least somewhat. I appreciate your honesty, by the way <3
Oof, life is a lot sometimes, big black trash bag energy as the Lazy Genius would say. We are off on holiday tonight otherwise I’d be getting out a big box and purging some stuff.
My kid has had a grumpy week of camp and I panic spiralled that he’s an only child that doesn’t know how to make friends. My husband is testy with grumpy kid and I panic spiralled that he was going to destroy his relationship with said kid. And work has been so, so slow. I think it’s just the transitional period plus the world being INSANE . Can you declare a reset this weekend and try and get on a more even keel?
Also, is there some niggling thing that is bothering you that can be fixed in 15 minutes? Sometimes I think I’ve been grumpy this week because my sneakers are knackered and my helmet pad is worn and is bothering my forehead.
IT IS SO HOT IN FLORIDA so if running didn’t feel hard right now, you’d be a super human person. We all have these days where things really weigh us down. I think it’s healthy to acknowledge it so we can progress through those feelings.
Last night when I put our toddler to bed, he told me he wanted a new mommy. I am sure it’s his way of protesting/getting back at me for traveling. It’s hard to hear but I know he didn’t really mean it. But it did sting to hear that.
I am certainly not in the position to give advice since my kids are far younger and not super involved in sports but I want to challenge your comment about sports versus vacations. In the grand scheme of things, I think their memories made on family vacations far outweigh their athletic endeavors. I know there are consequences to missing things but I am sure they’ll have a blast on your family trip!
I am so with you! The last couple of weeks in our house have been HARD! So many disappointments some predictable, some out of our control (two of my kids missed a much anticipated trip to the Grand Canyon with their cousins because Delta wouldn’t put them on a plane over the weekend). Things are starting to sort themselves out but MAN!!!
Solidarity! Especially on the feeling of my kids not excelling, that I “ruined” them with too much screen time, and the house being a constant disaster. I do hope you can step out of these feelings and truly lean into and enjoy your trip–which I’m sure you’ll be able to do. I know you really enjoy travel–as someone with similar age kids to A/C, the enjoyment I get out of travel right now and the memories are just priceless. Perhaps just the reset you need! Things like the timing of the flight and the proximity to the start of school really will not matter in the end 🙂 And I agree with Lisa–the memories of travel and family time far outweigh missing a week of sports here and there, especially when your kids are still pretty young! Also, I’m glad you’re taking some time to wallow because I do think that is healthy and necessary at times. And if some of these feelings persist, maybe that will be a sign that you need to make a change (e.g. dropping some kid activities to preserve your sanity and the whole family’s balance, etc.).
I go through ebbs and flows like this too!! I think it’s very normal and not talked about enough. I’m learning to give myself grace in the ebbs- although I definitely panic at times and think- what is going to get me out of this ebb! But I digress. And eventually I do come out.
For what it’s worth- I’m a fan of your work and I get a lot from you sharing your life so thanks for putting yourself out there and making my life a little richer. <3
I am digging my way out of a mountain of emails after having Covid for the last week, but I still love reading your updates and this line jumped out of me, “Also, worried about ever traveling again lest it mess up the kids’ sports endeavors.”
I flatly reject that. I have three active kids and we plan vacations that work for school and my work schedule and major (MAJOR) sporting events, like a championship meet, and that’s it. They miss practices and regular meets, games, and competitions and I do not care. Landon is missing holiday training this year over Christmas because of a huge trip we are very excited about taking and I already told his coach that as two former collegiate/nationally-ranked swimmers, there is nothing he can tell me or James that would make me think athletics is more important than family time. I am so grateful my parents felt the same and my memories of family vacations are just as bright as my athletic highlights and I’m thankful to have both.
Can’t fix much else on your list, but you keep those vacations if you want them :).
(Also we always travel the week before school because August is the f’ing worst in Dallas and it’s always great. We leave in 5 days actually!)
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time, but I agree with everyone else saying that we all feel like this from time to time. As Daniel Tiger’s mom would say, little by little, you will feel better! And, your vulnerability and honesty in writing this post will for sure help someone else feel better about their own perceived inadequacies in managing the chaos that is parenting/working/life in general.
Re: the vacation timing — we are doing a vacation the week before school starts as well for the first time this year. We were actually inspired to choose this week because it’s difficult to find camps that week (or at least camps that my children are interested in attending) and because so many other people travel that week that my kids get bored without their friends in town! Probably a grass is greener type of situation now that I’m thinking about it.
I also agree with Lag Liv re: sports – my oldest is only C’s age (he turns 10 this fall) but plays AAU basketball plus multiple other basketball leagues and baseball. We try not to have him miss tournaments (a little tricky with spring break) but other stuff is fair game, especially bc we make the effort to make practices/games/optional clinics wherever possible. Planning in those missed days is A-OK in my book!
Oof. I’m right with you on the week being hard. I am trying to pull out the positives (and there are many), but life also feels like a major suck fest in so many ways. The most bizarre and horrible twist to a years-long neighbourhood saga, my husband testing positive for double pneumonia, and me winding up with hearing loss that might need steroids ASAP. Really? Really!??
So, honestly, it felt really good to read this post about someone else in the weeds. There are objectively great things going on AND you’re still overwhelmed and that is 1000% me and it truly helps to hear other voices chiming in that life is complicated and messy and sometimes things don’t work out the way we’d like. We can feel two emotions at the same time – dread and anticipation often go hand-in-hand, for me ironically.
Hope the vent was cathartic, and that tomorrow feels like a fresh start <3
I feel like I REALLY need to hear this neighborhood saga! 😅
I feel like a lot of this comes from the impending back to school season and all the unknowns that come with that, especially if something is changing this year, like it is for you with a kid going to a new school. I have a rising senior, and am totally (internally) freaking out about stuff like preparing college applications. Meanwhile, the child in question is mostly thinking about painting her senior parking space. I’m usually the chill, I-can’t-want-it-more-than-she-does mom, but the stress is starting to hit hard!
On the the sports specifically, my kid plays two pretty time intensive sports, and I have another set to follow right in that kid’s footsteps. My brain/heart tells me that obviously sports are less important than a lot of things, school, family time, etc., etc., etc. In practice, it’s difficult to figure out what the appropriate balance is and when sports should “win” and when other things in the kid’s life should “win.” No specific advice, just encouragement that you’re not the only one wrestling with that issue and acknowledgement that it can take up a ton of brain space that I’m sure you’d rather be using in a different way!
The sports thing is really hard! I fully agree in principle with that “family time > sports”, but in practice, it can be tricky. One issue for us is that travel plans often need to be made, or at least week(s) picked farther in advance than I necessarily have all the info for the sports seasons. And while it can sound simple to say “just have them skip sport”, it’s not actually that easy if you accidentally plan a trip during high school tryouts week, for example. That would be… pretty bad! Or if it turns out there is ONE big team travel tournament that would be really fun and now you scheduled vacation during it, it would be pretty disappointing. Or, in the case of A with swimming, it’s not really ideal to be gone in the peak weeks leading up to the end of the season. This may be worse for us since we tend to take long trips. Maybe not as big of a deal for short trips.
Oh, or also, sometimes, like in his case last weekend, he didn’t know if he would qualify for the end of season championship meet or not. So it’s like, ok, when looking at it all a year ahead, do we schedule around a hypothetical meet??? Or not? On the one hand I don’t want to plan around something that may not happen, but also, he’d be crushed to qualify for state and then now we aren’t home so he can go! A lot depends on how the seasons align with school time off, too. Like here, the winter HS boys swim season is from mid-November to mid- February. So Christmas break week is like, PEAK season and they all practice a ton and it would probably not be cool to take off for 2 weeks right then. SIGH! All to say, it is complicated. And even for people who, like me, do not have “elite” kids and also believe family vacation > sports, it’s still really hard sometimes to sort it all out. So I feel this.
Thank you for sharing such an honest post, sorry you are feeling this way, and I can definitely relate. For me, PMS is usually a factor (never used to be! Only now I’m older), but also life is honestly ALOT right now. Your summer is like ours weather-wise but even worse (we get the heat and humidity but less lightning storms) and honestly I got so grumpy during last summer. Now the weather is beautiful in winter, so sunny and mild, and it boosts my mood. So I do think that backdrop is making everything worse. Anyway, hang in there, this too shall pass.
you know, it has been less stormy (and more hot) than average so far. but they are probably coming . . .
On the house being a disaster forever: I totally feel this. My house is pretty cluttered, but I am working on it, and do you know what has helped me? Dana K. White and her five minute pickup every day. My husband even said he sees what a difference it has made, especially in the corner of the living room where my daughter has a play area. That is where I focus most evenings, just for five minutes. Sometimes she helps me, usually she doesn’t. And it has taken a while for it to make a visible difference. But it has!
We all have those days, 1 or 2 out of 10 are not great especially with the heat of florida that I tried out myself. Hang in there, it will be just better once you go down. 🙂 Regarding sport practice, yes, I also sometimes wonder if we should go to a trip and skipping practices. Overall, I decided to keep them unless it’s an important trip. For example, if it’s a long weekend but there are swimming practices on that weekend, we probably won’t go to a weekend trip, but if the school break is longer, like a week, then it’s okay to skip those swim practices. And chaos? girls rooms are also chaos, I can just yell so many times a day for them to tidy up, so I’ve decided to not visit their rooms unless absolutely necessary. When things get out of control, I’ll go in one day when they are not at home and throw things away.
Solidarity re: managing a full-time job that requires some content creation, 3 kids, etc. Many, MANY times a day/week I tell myself…this feels hard because it IS hard.
Re: feeling everyone else’s kids are dominating…comparison truly is the thief of joy here. I completely understand. I could get really pumped for my kid about something…and have that joy stolen when I see that another kid is doing better. Childrearing has become much more intense and competitive…not like our upbringing. In the current era, it does feel like if you only got private lessons, practiced everyday, etc…they would be better. This puts all of the onus on the parents to “control” the kids’ performance…but it is not under our control! vIt’s also hard bc both you and Josh were academic all-stars and it’s natural to want/expect that for your kids. I certainly do! This is why I send my kids to a Montessori school- to counteract my competitive, intense nature 🙂
Also, we never know what is going on with everyone else’s kids. I’ve been on the receiving end of this. We have 1 kid who brings us a lot of positive attention from others, and 1 that does not. People who know kid #1 think we are amazing parents. However, I’ve had crushing moments of self-doubt when I’ve not even wanted to socialize with the classroom because I’m embarrassed by kid #2’s behavior. What really helps me is to look at my child and think about how they would feel if they knew I was comparing them to others and diminishing their accomplishments. Personally, I would feel really sad if they compared me to other moms and were disappointed because of a curated image they saw. This usually makes me feel a bit guilty and then I get a wave of intense love towards my child, which helps me get over whatever comparison was stealing my joy.
Thanks again for sharing…makes me feel normal 🙂
One thing I would say about having children at different schools with different schedules is to focus on the positive aspect of it. I had this same situation for many years and used the different schedules as a way to spend one-on-one time with them. I know you work full-time so the situation is a bit different but it can be a positive situation-for the children as well. They can have a separate identify from their siblings as well.
I am sorry you are having a bad day. You have a LOT going on right now. As you yourself would say, prioritize what’s most important, and let the rest go.
I love this! I agree it’s harder logistically and adds more variables, but I love this silver lining. I have two kids (almost 8M and 4F) and they benefit soooo much from one on one time. This happens naturally for us with one in day care/pre K and one in elementary and while sometimes I grumble, it’s also a great time to do something that particular kid would really enjoy.
Adding my thanks for an honest post. You know that saying you are only as happy as your least happy child? I feel that so much. Plus it’s normal to be really nervous about the fall with a step up in commitments and another school in the mix. I know it feels like you’re super locked in but if it really doesn’t work you CAN change something. It’s really hard to have to make a decision that something might be ideal for one child but just too much for the family overall- I have done it! We are relatively low activity for our area and SES level because we just can’t manage the rushing around every single night. But one of my kids would love to get more intense about their activity. I remind myself I am saying no FOR now and can make a different decision later.
Good luck with everything. Your family is beautiful and you will figure it out together!
Hi Sarah,
I am also a mom of 3 kids (mine are just a couple of years older, the oldest is 15 and the youngest is 10).
Just wanted to say – I hear you and I’ve been there, and many-a-day – I am there… On the surface it may look like our lives are all good, but dig a little deeper – and I’m struggling as a parent and feel like I am a mess of conflicting emotions, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy.
Thank you for your honesty and making me feel that I am not alone.
About parental guilt thing – I believe that no matter what we do, we’ll feel guilty (and possibly will be blamed by our kids) for something or other… When I was a kid, I simultaneously thought that my mother spent too much time with me (spoiling me and, supposedly, making it harder for me to adjust to societal expectations later), and resented her for making me go to daycare. (I hated daycare with a passion, to the point of throwing up and sobbing uncontrollably). No win there. In turn, my mother used to resent her parents for not sending her away to a boarding school where she could get a superior musical education (she is supremely talented, possibly was a child prodigy). And then she met another very talented musician who resented her parents because they did send her away to a music boarding school…
Sports are crazy. Just crazy. We chose not to do anything except easygoing once-a week intramural sports – because we couldn’t handle the time commitment. (Hello, guilt). Big kids now do school sports (cross country and track).
So yeah, I just try to take one day at a time and believe that everything will collapse into place.
I highly recommend “The Family Firm” by Emily Oster when looking at your extracurricular schedule for next year. I love how she uses data, and the book helped me make decisions for my own family.
Yep, there too. Take care everybody! <3
I appreciate your vulnerability and have been there, too … many times. With one of my kids especially. In fact, I have been overwhelmed most of the summer by the amount of things going on at work and home, and some uncertainty about the upcoming school year. I vented in a lighthearted way to a friend (by sending her what I thought was a humorous video about the pain points of summer), and I got such a weird response in return. Clearly my attempt at levity and coping did not land with my audience, whose life seems idyllic and perfect in so many ways. And her kids are so freaking perfect, too. All this to say, that interaction made me feel even more alone and like a loser.
You are doing so much, more than most people. You’re allowed to have bad days/weeks/months.
I can see you’ve already gotten tons of support here. I know what you mean- sometimes I’m thinking, “does anyone just have a NORMAL kid???” I can tell you that my kids had a stunningly unproductive summer- your kids seem like superstars compared to mine right now, ha.
As for running- I had so many goals for the summer (strength! Speed! Hills!) and I ended up doing none of it. I’m just now getting back to running and the summer is practically OVER. Plus… I know, the heat just sucks everything out of you.
I know those days where everything just suddenly feels hopeless. It will definitely be temporary- everything will work out! And I bet your trip will be amazing, and give you a nice reset.
I appreciate you sharing all this, because we all have these days.
I appreciate you sharing these thoughts! I think it’s so helpful when we’re open and honest about our hard days and exactly WHAT is making them feel so hard. Because we all have them and it’s good to know we aren’t alone. <3
The comments section is so encouraging to read. A reminder that we aren’t alone. ❤️
My kid doesn’t dominate anything (except perhaps undesirable categories like being the fastest eloper at any event, or being so disabled that we’re the only people I know who have yet to fight the school system for additional services – the fact that everyone routinely finds ways to support us more tells me everything I need to know about how hard my kid can be). But one of the most soothing things is telling her when we cuddle at night before bed how amazing she is, how smart and kind and funny and lovable she is. And yes, I say it to her because I want to be sure she hears it somewhere, but really it’s a powerful reminder for me too. It helps to pull me out of comparison mode and focus on the wonders of my specific kid.
Also, having just been diagnosed with premature menopause after years of being on a hormonal rollercoaster, this post struck me as feeling similar to the anxiety/despair spirals I have found myself in over the last few years. I wouldn’t underestimate the power of your hormones to oh so quickly fuck with your feelings and hijack your thoughts. Now that I know what’s going on with me, when I find myself in the pits I tell myself it’s not me thinking these thoughts as much as my hormones have taken over. Puberty in reverse indeed. Maybe peri/post menopause can be the subject for Inside Out 3…
And then – all of a sudden – the kids are not small anymore, but grown ups. And you look at them and are amazed what wonderful persons they’ve become. Even though you were not “perfect”.
I have two daughters who have turned into wonderful young women – even though I let them watch tv in the morning, sometimes just gave them yoghurt and cereal for dinner and raised my voice even if I didn’t intend to. Even if we didn’t vaccum as often as we should or weren’t that strict when it came to bedtime routines. Even if I felt totally worthless as a parent so many times.
Because what matters is the love and care. Our most beloved author of children’s books here in Sweden once said: give the children love and more love and the rest will come. I blelieve that
love that Jane, thank you for sharing <3 <3 <3
Hi Sarah – Just catching up on your blog and this post hit close to home. Thank you for bein so open about what is NOT going well. It makes me feel like I’m not the only one. My house too is a disaster and my kids have been on screens way too much lately and I have two tweens that I feel inadequate to parent in this new phase. Just wanted to post in solidarity.