after extensive field research, i am excited to present to you the latest nutritional data available, straight from the quaint little towns of north carolina (ie: clayton, henderson, high point, greenville, fayetteville, and many that are lesser known) AND the bustling cities of raleigh and durham. it was thought that a diet filled with vegetables and whole grains was the key to eternal life, but apparently, it is possible to live off of just FOUR food items, most of which contain basically no vitamins, no minerals, no fiber, but plenty of red dye number 325 and sweet, sweet sugar.
introducing: the sustenance of champions! (nascar champions, that is).
#3: the ALMIGHTY PORK BARBEQUE
you might see some green stuff off to the side, there, but don’t worry — it’s just for decoration! any occasion, whether it be a birthday, a holiday, or a friday, saturday, or sunday, should be commemorated with pork barbeque. if you have congestive heart failure, make sure to chase it with some lasix!*
#4: the NAB!
it took me weeks to uncover exactly what NABS were. they sound dirty, right? but nab is actually short for ‘nabisco’, which is a common brand of peanut butter cracker (the orange kind, with something sort of resembling peanut butter in the middle, but most likely without any contamination from actual PEANUTS). apparently, the nabisco-kind it does not have much of a web presence, though, because all i could find were lance, keebler, and little debbie. but it doesn’t matter — they’re all called nabs, regardless of brand name. kind of like how all soda is ‘coke’ in atlanta. these should be eaten any time one gets hungry between the biscuit and pork barbeque.
optional supplements to this regimen include cigarettes and whiskey, preferably homemade.
and, you know, we can’t figure out why there is such a waiting list for the endocrine and GI clinics! i think people just need to eat more nabs.
* a powerful diuretic