i so want to be zen.
i remember reading pirsig’s zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance in 12th grade. most of my classmates mocked it for its new-age (yet outdated) cheesiness, but i ate that 1970s-best-seller up like a plate of MJ-laced brownies. and in the end (just like with the brownies*), i felt enlightened. putting your heart and soul into life’s mundanities**, doing things with care and calmness, and making every moment count — these were things i just hadn’t thought about as a 17-year old always late for cheerleading practice and behind on my violin practice.
and i still love the idea of putting this practice into life, and i still suck at it. and yet i’ve never needed to realize this more than i need it right now.
and so: this month i am going to work on getting to my own zen mode of thinking. a mode where instead of getting overwhelmed at all the little annoyances that come with being an intern, i will just accept them and make sure to do them well. instead of hating 4-hour rounds, i will try to find something positive to take away and attempt to actually start learning how to function in the alien world of the NICU. and i will take one day, one hour, one MINUTE at a time if i have to in order to stop wishing my life away and just waiting to be on vacation. the energy i spend dreading everything is probably worse than what i’m actually dreading, anyway.
* not that i would actually know. i’ve never had any elicit baked goods. but i should put that on my list of things to do at some point in life.
** i thought that was a word, but apparently it isn’t. it should be, though.