(i have a feeling i’ve used this title before. oh well.)
i was thinking while i was running today about how hard i am on myself. i have a feeling that a lot of people (especially women) are the same way, and i have decided that it is something i need to change. no matter what i am doing, i tend to focus on what is missing or imperfect about it. a slew of examples that came to me at around mile 18 of the 20 i was running today:
– i can’t believe this doesn’t feel easier at this non-impressive pace. god, i am so slow. just SO nontalented at this. argh.
– maybe spending this time running is dumb. i feel guilty. i shouldn’t have time for this as an intern. i should be reading. i should be LEARNING. i am going to miss some diagnosis and KILL someone someday because of this indulgent run that i’m doing right now.
– god, i am excited for breakfast. but i’ve already gained the 2-3 marathon pounds that always seem to find me while i’m training (paradoxical, kind of, but a reality). i should eat healthier. i shouldn’t let this happen every time.
– i really love running. i feel much more relaxed (despite all this negative craziness my brain is churning out). how am i going to keep this up when i have babies? god, i shouldn’t think things like that. it’s going to make me a bad mother. i should want 10 children right now and not think about selfish things like that.
i will try to work on remembering that thinking this way is counterproductive, and HELLO, i just finished 20 miles, i should be shouting from the apartment rooftops about just how much i rule. although i think some humility is good, my balance is off. i guess it’s not too late to make this my last ’08 resolution.