starting fresh

and it’s like someone else is driving
like this body isn’t mine
changed myself without even telling you
or even asking and i need relief
’cause i can’t be sober and win you over
i relayed my temperature
you have to get out of here
and you don’t even know half of it
i cannot turn it off
i don’t have a switch for that
and haven’t crash landed yet
haven’t crash landed yet

stealing tomorrow from today

— great lake swimmers, “stealing tomorrow.”

i don’t think they were talking about call when they wrote this song, but that’s what i thought of when i heard these lyrics. it truly can feel like an out-of-body experience, and the post-call day feels like it’s about 3 hours long — as if it was stolen and used up the night before.

i am so happy — ELATED! — to be done with call for the time being. in fact, other than one rogue september moonlighting shift (which will be hard but earn me $$$), the next time i am scheduled to work 30 hours in a row is in may.

and after that? never again. as fellow next year, i may be up at all hours on the phone handling diabetes and other endocrine-related calls (and we won’t even discuss the 24/7 lifestyle that will eventually come with having BABIES), but i will not be undergoing the 30 hour test of strength and endurance that makes up a ward or ICU shift on a regular basis.

i feel like i can get back to living life the way i want to.

definitely something to celebrate!

picking up the pieces
over the past 2 weeks, there has been a slow decline in my energy, attitude, and ability to hold everything together. this is reflected quite tangibly in the fact that our house is a disaster right now! craving the ‘reset’ feeling that comes with a calm, organized environment, i am looking forward to a deep clean as soon as i get out of work today.

on the agenda:
☑ work: hopefully out by 11 or so! good-bye, ward team.
☑ do dishes & scrub down kitchen
☑ bathroom cleaning!
☑ vacuuming
☑ laundry
☑ emptying email in-boxes + making to-do list*
☑ cross-training and weights at the gym
☑ planning tonight’s dinner + grocery trip
☑ host dinner party for intern + sub-I — a martha-infused affair, of course.

* what, don’t you have ‘make to-do list’ on YOUR list? okay fine, i know it seems redundant but i’m talking about a longer-term list here with all of the life odds ‘n’ ends that have been sliding for the past few weeks — friends to contact, presents to buy (AIMEE!), errands to run, etc

B-minus
if i had to grade myself for my ward efforts this past month, i’d probably give out some mediocre marks. this grade does NOT apply to how i feel that i took care of the patients, as that was my first priority and i’d like to think i’d get an A. instead, this reflects overall attitude and just the way i feel like i’ve been hanging on by a thread the past couple of weeks.

some more specific critiques: efforts to remain complaint free completely fell by the wayside, my fuse has been incredibly short as of late, i was not particularly good about reading, and i think i could have been better about teaching as well (although i did try!). hopefully, i’m my own worst critic, but i’m probably also the most accurate one.

i know that at least in part, my struggles over the past couple of weeks only reflect the fact that i just do not thrive under call month working conditions. luckily, i’ll get a chance to redeem myself to . . . myself. i’m looking forward to starting fresh!

————————————————————————

7.31.09

workout: pre-call, 5 miles @ 8:55 on my usual local route. yesterday (post-call), i did 6 on the treadmill at the gym — a relatively easy tempo workout at 0.5% incline.
– 1 mi warmup @ 9:13/mi
– 4 mi @ 8:12/mi pace
– 1 mi cooldown @9:13/mi

i could have gone faster! next time, i will.

reading: 2 articles — one about malrotation and one about transverse myelitis — while on call.

flossing: just so you know, i have STILL been flossing. i can’t believe after resolving to do this every january for 5 years, it finally stuck.