i’m pretty open on this blog. however, if there is one topic that i think about a lot yet never venture to write about, it’s this one:
while i may mention them in the context of working in the NICU, i only make sly allusions to having some of our own in the future. and no, currently there are no babies on the way. but i am going to go out on a limb and say that i hope that by the end of the calendar year, that will change.
along with everything — everything — else. it was 9:30 pm while i was folding laundry that i had a mini panic attack about this yesterday night. because i was tired, i had had a full day with almost no free time, and currently i live a babyless existence.
yesterday was just another day. i went straight from a 5 AM wake up call –> post –> workout –> work –> meeting –> board review –> drive home –> easy dinner/cleanup –> billz/insurance paperwork –> laundry –> 4 minutes of reading in bed (literally) –> sleep at 10 PM for 7 hours total (which for me, frankly, is inadequate).
i don’t mind this busy-ness as it is; on the contrary, i really do enjoy my current life. but i sat there folding and wondering . . .how do parents with jobs do it!?!?
i mean, i realize that it’s going to mean some serious lifestyle changes (good-bye blog? workouts? sleep?) and honestly, that makes me sad. i am sure that once our future bundle of joy comes into the picture, it will be 100% worth it, but i admit i feel slightly ashamed that i’m even bothering to think about these trade-offs as any form of sacrifice.
furthermore, even with the empowerment that comes with a career that i’ve had to SWEAT to develop (ie: the above NICU references!), i already feel hugely guilty at even the thought of day care (remember: these are unconceived babes i’m talking about!). so . . . am i crazy?
part of it is that i haven’t had a great role model for a working mother — instead, i had a wonderful role model who stayed at home while my sister and i were little, baking whole grain breads and feeding us home-puréed baby foods before it was cool to do so. so maybe that’s part of my mental block?
anyway. coming clean about some of these anxieties wasn’t exactly easy, but i know i can’t be alone with these thoughts. and when i really thought about it, there didn’t seem to be much harm in sharing them. experienced moms who have been through it or busy not-yet-mothers who share any of these fears . . . as always, i’d love your thoughts.
and on a much lighter, unrelated note
i just had to share this laptop lunch from yesterday:
smoked salmon, goat cheese, and arugula wrap; blueberries; asparagus with leftover raspberry dressing
maybe this part is related. because i don’t care what it takes; my future children are going to rock some seriously gourmet lunchboxes someday.
workout: arms/abs session from week 2 of gina’s summer shape up; 25 minutes elliptical (5 warm-up and 20 after), levels 10-12.
reading: 1 hour board review session on pulmonary.