struggling with pumping — and life. feeling guilt. frustration. a little anger. envy. sadness. feelings of inadequacy.
honest thoughts going through my head today:
can annabel really bond with me when i’m away from her 9-10 hours a day 5 days/week?
will i ever feel on top of things and non-distracted throughout the day ever again?
at least she still smiles for me.
on a related note,
i’m considering taking reglan/metoclopramide [for milk supply]. i realize this goes against what i had said previously [that i’d chill and start supplementing] but every time i think about it i honestly cannot STAND the thought of not being able to breastfeed her — at night, on weekends, in the morning. it is worth the #$(*&@# pumping, but i’m really struggling right now and feel like i’m falling farther behind every day. i feel like it is part of what makes our relationship special [because let’s face it — i’m not even her primary caregiver most of the time that she’s awake. which kills me to write, but it’s true] and it would break my heart to a) give up the bonding time with her and b) not be able to provide milk for her.
all of the other tricks [fenugreek, mother’s milk plus, etc] aren’t working and i feel like turning to pharmacology for a couple of months wouldn’t be so horrible. if it worked and didn’t produce side effects, that is.
anyone have any experience with this?
on the up-side, my planner came. and it’s pretty, but bigger than i expected. more on that later when i’m not in a hormonal tailspin.