I’m feeling a little bit overwhelmed lately. I know no one can “have it all”, but I’ve always felt like I could have . . . a lot. Or perhaps enough. Lately, however, life feels like an endless stream of choices — choices that I don’t particularly want to make. Read or get enough sleep. Connect with friends and family or give the kids full attention in the evenings. Write a blog post or spend time with Josh. Give this patient lots of time, or spend time researching about another case. I am constantly asking myself: can I really take the time to focus on this? Will I be able to get everything done without disappointing anyone (including myself)? I feel . . .uneasy.
I am on call, so I suppose my emotions may be amplified and my perspective skewed. It also does not help that the kids have been sleeping less consistently than usual — not sure what’s up with that. This morning, they were both up at 5:15
. My little slice of contemplation/workout time disappeared and even though I enjoyed doing a V-day treasure hunt with them (family tradition!) I would have appreciated it if we had gotten started a little later. Like maybe 1.5 or 2 hours later.
I am organized. I am not distracted by intrusive thoughts about things I may have forgotten. Everything is laid out for me to see in my planner, and I know what is on my plate. I outsource (a lot!). But sometimes it just feels like too much. I WANT time to read every day, time to meditate, time to eat without rushing (in a social setting, ideally), time to get all of work done in a focused-but-not-harried way, time to work out, time to spend uninterrupted and focused with the kids, and also with Josh. Sprinkle in time to blog a few times per week (my only creative pursuit!), time with friends, and time to do other misc household chores that aren’t outsource-able — and even though I know 168 hours sounds really like a lot, I guarantee what I’d LIKE to do would fill at least 250. Every week.
What can I do? I’m hanging on. I decided to grab this little 30 minute window for myself to write this post — even though I’m on call and I have 39873 charts to do and people to call. I am planning on coming home late-ish (maybe 7:30?) tonight, so I guess I’m stealing it from A&C. I am trying (TRYING) to be present in the time I have, not waste time scrolling Instagram — although to be honest, I am failing at that, because when I do get random bits of time they seem to come in 3 minute unpredictable fragments, and Instagram is particularly delicious in those little snippets (aaaaand then sometimes 3 minutes become 30). I am also trying to be kind to myself, and not hang onto unrealistic expectations — like the ones above.
I am not trying to invite pity. That would be gross! Like: “OMG, that woman with a great job and family and friends and a hundred different interests and goals — it’s just such a SHAME she can’t find time to do them all!”. NO. I recognize that this whole post comes from a place of privilege. It’s almost like I just want more life. MORE than the hours I already am so lucky to be living in. There are so many people I’d like to spend more time with, places I’d like to go, things I’d like to do. And I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s all finite. That shouldn’t be news, but I think it’s easy to forget.