I may have exploded to Josh last night that I am ready to rename the podcast Worst of Both Worlds, because just woah.
There’s a lot going on around here, and I am not quite keeping my head above water. And it feels pretty terrible. I commented that all I want is to stay home with G for the next 6 months. Unrealistic. Not happening. But, for what it’s worth, true.
To be fair, objectively all of the various components in my life are fine. Better than fine, even! An inventory of the good:
– G is obscenely cute, and seems happy. Which means all of those milk supply stressors haven’t been the way they used to be. She’s approaching the 6 month mark ever so quickly.
– A&C are almost done with school. Actually C is done, and A has 3 more days. She came home with a summer “packet” of homework to do in preparation for first grade last night. I definitely do not remember this kind of assignment from my childhood (summer reading yes; worksheets no). Ahh well.
– They are headed to camp next week and therefore summer should be fairly smooth sailing right up until our vacay in August.
– Work, on a superficial level, seems under control. I am sort of keeping up. I had an incredibly productive month patient-wise last month (too productive honestly, my schedule was overly packed and it’s mostly my own fault).
– We planned our summer travel (flights + 2 nights hotel stay; we will be staying with 2 sets of brave friends the rest of the time!)
– I am enjoying the Beachbody workouts. Still doing 21 day fix (in my 5th week of this or so, so I’m not actually doing 21 days . . .).
– I created some monthly goals for June for the first time in a while. And hey, I’m even FLOSSING!
HOWEVER. The “not-urgent-but-important” stuff keeps getting shoved forward. And I’m starting to panic about it. I have a lot of work related to the residents arriving, from finalizing conference schedules to producing orientation materials to ironing out details of the endo rotation. I feel like the residency portion of my job could easily fill half of my working hours right now, but I only ‘officially’ have 10% allocated.
My “side hustles” (aka this blog + podcast) are getting the shaft as my days off recently were filled with end-of-year activities, and I even have a couple of upcoming weeks where I just can’t take a day off though I have let it be known to our practice manager that I will be making them up later.
I don’t know. I guess the truth is that I’d really like more time at work AND to be home with no obligations whatsoever other than the kids for the rest of the year. Is that too much to ask?
(Yes.)
Quitting the pump will most certainly help, as will G sleeping all night — currently she’s still up twice, though the intervals are definitely getting longer. But I’m actually so happy with our current breast-feeding relationship that I don’t really want to mess with it now. I’m thinking of trying to stick it out at least until after our vacation — I feel like it will be much nicer (and honestly easier) to be able to just nurse her during that time away from home than mess with bottles.
Maybe I’m just overthinking everything. Perhaps one day, hour, minute at a time — it will all work out.
Off to do Beachbody. (And yes, a post on this coming soon. SPOILER NO I do not have six-pack abs. But I do feel like I am getting stronger, and I really do enjoy the workouts. They feel efficient and effective. And are really insanely cost-effective compared to a boutique boot camp class or barre studio. I am still doing 21 day fix but eventually I’ll ramp up to the whole “80 Day Obsession” line. Not ready yet though and probably won’t be until fall!)
12 Comments
Hi Sarah! I”m Erin, a new reader who found you by way of your podcast.
I”m so sorry you feel so squeezed. No one, however, is served by you beating yourself up over unattainable goals. When my kids were little, I learned to cope by “setting the bar low”.
Yes, it is always wonderful to do one”s best, but in all areas simultaneously? At what cost?
If the upcoming residency is only 10% of your job, then your work will have to a) assign someone else to pick up the slack or b) excuse you from other activities so you can accommodate the crunch in the short term. You could likely estimate the time requirements – be pragmatic and realistic…for your own sanity.
I hope this comes across as concern and not criticism- I have two sisters and I would say the same to them!
You are doing a FANTASTIC job, but heroic, 110% effort is not sustainable in the long term…
Sending you supportive thoughts.
Erin
PS. Just started PIYO, in part due to your recommendation of Beachbody:)
Some of my bars have definitely lowered (chart turn around time . . woah).
I didn’t mention it BUT I will be officially allocated 25% time to residency in July so that will probably be helpful. You’re right though.
How is PiYo? I honestly never thought I’d say this but I kind of love the Beachbody format. Having a "program" makes me happy in the same way that a running training program always did, and the workouts take far less time than half marathon training . . probably with more "visible" results. SOLD.
No advice other than one day, hour, minute at a time sounds like a good idea—and will be my motto in a few weeks! Just wanted to say I eagerly await your post on Beachbody-I trust your opinion and am so curious about it!
I bet you’d love it 🙂
I recently found your podcast which brought me here to your blog – as a fellow MD mamma of 3 kiddos (my 3rd is 9 months old so just a few months ahead of you!) all I can say is hang in there!! Sometimes I complain to my husband that I feel like I am just sucking at everything but then something will shift and I”ll rock it all for a week or two. A few months ago I made some major changes to my schedule which have helped a great deal, good luck figuring out your sweet spot with work. It”s an ever evolving process isn”t it?!
Thank you Brooke! YES I feel completely crazy sometimes writing here because there are such swings in how I am feeling. "Life is Great!" "Now I’m a Mess!" etc. I can literally feel completely different from week to week (or even day to day).
OMG she IS obscenely cute!!!!
thank you!
I made a vow not to take on any non-work related projects until my baby turns 1. I”m allowing myself to be in bed for 8.5-9hrs 4-5x a week to cope with his 2-3 night wakeups. It has helped! I still say yes to work projects that are good opportunities, I just pace myself differently. One mentor told me not to tell people why I couldn”t have something done by x time, just simply to say- I will do this by x date (with no explanation).
I’m two weeks into being back at work with number 3 (also pedi subspecialist) and I am right there with you! When we were fellows, we used to call ourselves ducks: trying to glide along calmly above the water while our feet were moving as fast as they could underneath. This period feels similar, although I definitely haven’t hit my stride yet! Good for you for getting workouts in!
I get this so much! Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Alli!