I hate everyone and everything.
= my internal theme for yesterday. Things that made me irrationally angry and/or sad over the past 24 hours:
- C’s homework. Just its very existence and the fact that it is not designed to be something he can do independently, so I have to either a) have him not do it or b) dictate him letter by letter to write down while G makes a giant mess.
- A patient switching to another provider (actually, that would have been painful no matter what, but I was especially not in the mood. This thankfully does not happen a lot. Hey, you can’t please everyone and maybe they just wanted a fresh start/different approach. But still ouch.)
- A learner asking me questions in what felt like a “doubting my expertise” way – not sure it would have bothered me on any other day
- Finding out someone was pregnant (this is NOT something that would normally cause me to have any negative emotions!)
- Pretty much every email I received (“Why do people have to send REMINDER emails!? Don’t the know I already know and my inbox is crowded enough already!?”)
- 835734 more tiny insignificant things that I can’t even remember because they were truly tiny and insignificant
A quick look at my yearly calendar/health record (yes, in the Hobonichi) revealed that I am under the influence of progesterone, aka the luteal phase, aka PMS (probably qualifying as PMDD). I KNOW that this is a brain chemistry thing, because thankfully this is not how I usually think/function/go through the world. And yet all of my anger/difficulties feel so legitimate in the moment.
Usually I don’t post much during those times, but — I committed to one post/day for this month and I am determined to go through with my intention. Here’s to using this awareness today to at least give me pause when I start to internally fly off the handle again.
I know this is something I could probably seek some treatment for, but it’s hard to rationalize because it’s a short-lived segment of each month, and by the time I think about medication/supplements/CBT, it’s over! Also, sometimes I wonder if these rhythms are in place for a reason. Maybe these relative lows typically force me to rest / take it easier / fight against my otherwise very achieving-focused nature for a week or so each month.
But at the same time, I’d love to skip them.
Hopefully things will look up in a day or so!
Some pictures that are much happier than this post:
(PS: this is some very old school journal-style blogging today! I hope it’s not too personal and/or off-putting. I have bad days sometimes even in the context of what feels like a great life, and felt it would be okay to share.)