First, I wanted to share this link: That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief — shared in the comments by reader L (a nurse) yesterday. It definitely hit home for me, and somehow made me feel a bit better.
Yesterday I looked at the page of 2020 travel that I had so hopefully put together. As the new year rolled in, we were in a better place financially (having finally sold our house!) and G was past the hardest phase of toddlerhood, and therefore SO many fun trips were supposed to happen this year! It is both bizarre and sad to now have no idea if any of the adventures I had dreamed about (and in many cases, already booked!) will take place.
Remember two weeks ago when it was like “travel HERE won’t work, but you can still do X” and then, day by day, X was no longer an option. Nor Y. Nor Z. Nor really much at all. I am now very hesitant to comfort myself with thoughts like “at least we can go to Disney in December for G’s birthday” because you know what? WHO KNOWS!?
I know that this is tempoarary. But not knowing how temporary is hard. And there’s the sad reality that we will never get these days / weeks / months back. Big milestone dates will pass never to return, and without much fanfare because it just isn’t possible. My 40th birthday (May). Maybe kindergarten “graduation” (early June). Possibly even G turning 3, as noted above (December, ugh, please no!). My parents are 70 + 71; when will it be safe to visit them again!? Grief is a strong word, but I don’t think it’s inappropriate.
I recognize that I (and many others reading this) are incredibly privileged to live in a place and time where we just haven’t dealt with this kind of uncertainty and loss before. I do remember tiny echoes of this from 9/11, when I laid awake at night mourning the loss of the (perhaps naive) feeling of safety and security I previously took for granted. But — since I was watching the events unfold while nestled in a tiny mountain town, 9/11 didn’t truly feel as close or as personal.
Things I can still count on and look forward to right now:
- Outdoor walks with the kids
- Beachbody workouts (12 days into 21 Day Fix!)
- Morning coffee
- Evening ice cream or chocolate
- Books & TV
- Journaling & experimenting with the FF Planner
- Headspace app
- Reading to G
- Episodes from my favorite podcasts