I slept something like 9.5 hours last night.
It was really wonderful. And I woke up feeling better. It’s very odd, vacillating between sadness (mix of fear / loss / uncertainty / feelings of inadequacy, I think) and gratitude that right now — for the most part, within my family and loved ones — everything is so far okay.
Josh is off today and I am technically off (our health system is asking every provider to take 1 PTO day/pay period unless they are absolutely on the front lines — ID, ICU, ED, etc) so my 0.9FTE is now essentially 0.8. I have a couple of meetings but will try to lie low in the spirit of actually taking the time off.
A few of us ran a narrative medicine / wellness session with the residents yesterday. We asked them to share their fears. NO ONE bought up the one that haunts me frequently (feelings of inadequacy/incompetence in the face of desperate need on the front lines, or in more concrete terms, fear of being asked to work in the ICU). I couldn’t tell if that was because they were too embarrassed to admit something like that with their program director and other leadership listening, or because their generation isn’t as saddled with this thought pattern?
Is imposter syndrome a generational thing? (Not that I truly am qualified to be an ICU physician, but in reality I’m probably the same degree of unqualified as all of my pediatric sub-specialist peers). Gender is not the issue because 75% of the residents on the call were women.
Anyway, it was interesting. And I shared my own thoughts, hopeful that they would help someone, but now I’m also worried that they will think their PD is overly neurotic and/or anxious.
- Workout with Josh (took last 2 days off but it’s time to get back on the Beachbody horse)
- Help kids with school
- Work on resident schedules for next year
- Possibly attend one of my afternoon meetings today while walking around the neighborhood. I did this yesterday with a Zoom session and found I was able to concentrate as well or BETTER (because I was not tempted to check email / phone / etc while listening since I was walking!).
We will end today’s post with some humor:
PS: My call coverage week is over until next Tuesday when I have a week of my own call. Will be a mix of in-person and phone/video as much as I can do it.