Days alone with my 3 children during pandemic times . . . well, I’m sort of over them.
Saying this feels like admitting my failure as a mother, as a woman, maybe even as a human. But I’m going to say it here anyway: most of yesterday just felt like a slog. Waiting for minutes to tick by so that everyone could get one day older in one piece.
Yes, there were a few nice moments (mostly after Josh got home). But predominantly, there was yelling, frustration, and a lot of boredom and loneliness. Pre-pandemic, I filled Josh’s call weekends with outings and play dates, which both occupied the kids AND provided much-needed socialization for me. Neither are really possible now, for obvious reasons.
Months ago, my calendar felt overfull and family gatherings often seemed like too much. But now life just feels so empty. If I were childless, I’d probably be more successful at distracting/sublimating with other things (probably taking up things like marathon training, reading 100 books, etc).
But I can’t effectively sublimate because I’m trapped and they need me and by the way — I do love them and on a deeper level am just so happy they exist and are mine. Yet sometimes it feels like I am the only one who finds this so hard. I also struggle getting them to listen to me (hence the yelling/frustration) and that just wears on me. It brings on some toxic combination of failure, guilt, and shame, and I desperately would like to not feel that way.
I think it’s time to find some kind of social bubble. Maybe I can find someone to meet us out at the Gardens today. (But I doubt it b/c honestly my social network isn’t very robust up here yet. Yes, we’ve lived here almost 2 years but the last 6 months were COVID. Not ideal for expanding one’s friend network.)
PS: I am not sharing all of this to say “woe is me, my life is hard.” I feel gratitude about many things — breathable outdoor air, even. But I still wanted to share that I personally find these days difficult because — well, I do.
❏ Workout (while kids asleep)
❏ Meal plan / list / groceries
❏ Probably Flamingo Gardens because at least there is space to run around there
❏ Home for lunch
❏ During nap, which hopefully G won’t resist: some BLP work
❏ Make dinner (probably while G watches a show)
❏ Clean up / make lunches / prep for week
❏ Baths / bed / etc
Will try to look for bright spots.