To Babysitter or Not to Babysitter?
Unfortunately, she left at 7:25 because “a quarter is $0.25” . . .
A is 12.5. C is getting closer to 11. G will be 7 in December. Josh and I have a dinner out in a few weeks and I was trying to decide . . . do we still NEED a babysitter?! Apparently (well, based on my Google research), there are no laws about this in the state of FL, but there are recommendations stating that kids be 12 to stay home alone and 15 to supervise others children.
I babysat other children well before 15 and just read a book to Genevieve in which Ramona Quimby was tasked with walking to kindergarten BY HERSELF (and it didn’t go well, by the way, but not because DCF went after mom).
I am probably going to stick with babysitters until A turns 13 (? arbitrary, but seems about right?) but am curious what others have done! It might matter to me if our neighbors were home — that would be a nice backup on the off chance an adult was needed (plus they have similar age kids so we could swap this “backup adult” responsibility, perhaps). I also feel like it matters how far we are going — there are restaurants that are so close to home I’d feel better about things vs, say, going to Miami (40+ min drive).
Planning Fatigue
On the BOBW Patreon, Laura posted today about planning fatigue and the frustration that can ensure in particular when one parent bears the brunt of the mental load responsibilities at home. I’ve written about Planning Privilege before, and I feel like this concept and Planning Fatigue are 100% related.
I feel very lucky to be able to say that while I do most of the planning for our family, I really believe that work is valued and noted (It MAY help that I have a podcast all about planing . . . though I know that is not a universally feasible recommendation!). Anyway, I think this goes a long way to prevent Planning Fatigue, though I absolutely acknowledge that there is still probably a limit.
Speaking of Planning . . .
Off to see family for Rosh Hashanah! Super excited, it has been a while. Happy New Year to anyone celebrating š
50 Comments
My kids are 7 years apart. Because it was only the two of them, when she was 12 my older daughter started babysitting my younger. I think it depends on the children. If your oldest is responsible and doesnāt get distracted by video games or being on the computer, and the younger ones are not overly active kids, Iād say go for it. The younger ones have to respect the older and listen to them. If thereās an issue with that Iād say no.
This reminds me of the Japanese show on Netflix, āOld Enoughā where children as young as three are given a task with multiple steps and set off by themselves. Crossing streets, stopping at two places, given verbal instructions. All great lessons. Have you watched it? Itās quite fun and cute. https://www.netflix.com/us/title/81506279?s=i&trkid=258593161&vlang=en
I sent my 7 year old into the store the other day to buy forgotten cocoa powder, and it was such a confidence boost for him. He had to ask for it (and run out and ask how many grams I wanted), and it made me realise he can do more things like that. We are trying to work towards being able to walk at least part way home from next year, so doing lots of activities to demonstrate trustworthiness, etc.
My kids are now 19, 15, and almost-12. When the oldest was around 12 (so 7 years ago) we started leaving them at home for a quick run to the store (20-40 minutes), and gradually lengthened the time over the next couple of years. When oldest was almost 14, youngest was almost 7, was I think when we left them alone in the evenings for dates – by that point I had zero worries about it.
When my son was in kindergarten, we hired 6th graders (12 years old) to babysit him. Red Cross babysitting classes start at age 11 I think. When my son was 9, he took a stay at home alone course at the YMCA. He’s an only child, so we never had to deal with him supervising others, but we left him home a lot starting at age 9 – but not at bedtime until he was around 12.
I think you can definitely start ātest drivingā leaving them home alone now for shorter periods of time when you are in the area – like grocery shopping or a Target run.
We generally start letting our kids stay home alone at age 10, though our older child was 10 during the pandemic. Our older child watched the (3.5 years) younger one when she was 12 and he was 9 for a couple hours at a time. We still have my parents come over if weāll be out for long stretches (including dinner/bedtime) on school nights and then they leave when the younger one is in bed (around 9pm). The kids have spent 3-4 hours alone on weekend nights and put themselves to bed. Our son is in 5th grade now, but turns 11 in three weeks, and he is walking home alone and spending 1-2 hours alone most school day afternoons.
I was babysitting like crazy by the age of 12 and even watched some kids a lot when I was in 6th grade (11yo) and I went all over the place alone and with friends in Hojg Kong growing up, so Iām definitely on the āfree range parentingā side of the spectrum.
We got a little help from the pandemic here. When we first started going back to restaurants in summer of 2020 my oldest son was almost 13. We were only going to local restaurants that were a 2 minutes run from our house and restaurants were limiting how long you could stay. It was a great way to try out not having a babysitter. By the time were back in the City going to longer events etc. the kids had lots of practice being home alone.
I did quickly notice that my daughter (who was almost 10 at the time) was the one actually entertaining the two younger kids and she was the one who always remembered to put the 4 yo in a pull up for bed. I wouldn’t have left her without her older brother because of the optics but she was the real brains behind the operation.
I was babysitting at age 12! I remember for my first babysitting job, I had to make a pizza and I had never made a frozen pizza on my own before… That is what happens when you are the 4th child out of 5. I think making meals was the hardest part of babysitting because I did not have confidence in the kitchen since it was quicker for my mom to make meals rather than train me to make things on my own. And I get that efficiency was most important! But I’m mindful of this as I’m raising our boys.
I think I was around 13-14 when I babysat for a baby, 1.5 yo and 3 yo… So all 3 were in diapers! I would not trust a young teen with a baby. There is a girl on our block that we hope to hire as a babysitter this fall. She’s a freshman in HS and has taken first aid classes, so I feel comfortable leaving our almost 4yo and 6.5 yo with her!
A seems really responsible, though, so I bet she can handle this fairly soon, assuming sibling dynamics are not too difficult. It probably helps that you have Girl/Boy/Girl because multiple boys would probably be more challenging given their propensity to wrestle!!
Similar age frame for me Lisa, and the cooking was definitely the hardest bit. I remembered calling my mom because I could not get how to cook the rice? I was an only and was tall and was always pegged as older than I was, so I definitely got asked to babysit and then had people horrified that I was 12. But everyone survived to adulthood, nothing caught fire, and I always had my own money without having to work a supermarket job (nothing else in my hometown and the conditions seemed really uncomfortable for a teenage girl).
It definitely depends on the character and maturity of the older kid.
I hired a neighborhood highschooler to watch my two when they were in 6th grade (start of middle school/Jr. High here) and 2nd grade.
A neighbor remarked that SURELY the 6th grader could watch her baby brother. Yeah, I replied, but the 6th grader is the one I’m worried about! š For example, she had a tendency to bake muffins even thought she knew she wasn’t supposed to use the oven without an adult in the room.
I’d also consider whether all the siblings get along, and that the younger ones will listen to the oldest one.
We’re definitely on the over protective side but we haven’t left our almost 14- and 10-year-olds home alone together for more than 10-15 min periods. The older one has been staying home alone regularly since she started middle school at 11.75 but her younger brother can be a bit anxious and has also been prone to injuring himself (nothing serious) in unexpected ways. I think we might have him do a home alone class soon so he and we feel more confident about his ability to make good decisions when we’re not around. We should also have the older one take a first aid class. If we had neighbors we could trust to keep an eye out near by it would be easier to leave them for longer.
My two are the same ages as your oldest (12 and 10). Two years ago we started going on local errands and on walks without them. Last year we began doing dinners out without a sitter. A few months ago, we were out late (midnight) and they put themselves to bed. They also get themselves to school (on the bus) if we have to go to work early and let themselves in the house when we’re still at work. It depends on their maturity, I guess, and whether you trust them to contact you in case of any problems. I was definitely babysitting younger kids by age 12 but I recognize it can be more complicated with siblings.
Frankly it’s been great for my relationship with my husband to go out with less advanced planning.
Mine are 11 and 10. Since they’re only a year apart we never had the older one “in charge” of the younger one (plus the 10 year old is a girl and more mature than the 11 year old boy…). We started leaving them home alone (individually) or together for short periods during the day (20-30 min) when they were maybe 8 and 9? That was also the same age we taught them to walk home from school alone (about 3/4 of a mile). Now we leave them home alone after school for an hour or two most days because we’re not home from work yet. We also leave them for longer date night stretches now, but we’ve never actually had them put themselves to bed (they’d probably just stay up…). Oh, and I will also add that when we let our kids stay home alone they almost EXCLUSIVELY spend the time watching TV and playing video games so I honestly don’t worry that much about them getting into trouble, lighting the house on fire, etc. But YMMV. A/C definitely seem old enough and A seems responsible so I guess the question is do you think G would respect A’s authority and do what she says?
I already started to let Sofia babysit Lizzy and go out for massage date with husband before she turned 12. we live in a condo so if anything there’s always building staff to help out. they can also communicate via phone, and we don’t go far.
My oldest will be 13 this month but is distractable. She watches her super responsible 9 and 7 year old siblings for up to a few hours in the afternoon. We have lots of great neighbors and still pay a babysitter for nights out.
Two girls age 10.5 and 8 and we leave them home during the day for errands and workouts (1-2 hours; never longer than that). We also leave them home early mornings for workouts (both sleeping). I am confident that will not hurt themselves wrestling or jumping off things. They mostly watch TV (probably YouTube, which they are not allowed to watch). I ask them not to try not eat at all (choking), and cooking is definitely forbidden. We will probably wait a few years before leaving them in the evening or for stretches longer than 90 minutes. We also have two very close neighbors and I feel confident the girls could and would knock on a neighborās door if something extreme happened that they could not manage.
During the pandemic, when they were 7 and 5, I would sometimes do walking loops around the block where I would check on them every 10 minutes or so. I was with them all day everyday alone and I needed to get out a bit for my sanity.
This school year, my older daughter gets off the bus, walks 2 blocks and lets herself in the house. I ask her to call me when sheās off the bus and then when sheās inside the house.
I can honestly say that they both enjoy being left at home (probably because of the YouTube access) and it has built their confidence and shown them that we trust them.
It is absolutely a āknow your kidsā thing, though.
Illinois is goofy – the law says kids need to be 14 to stay at home alone (enacted after parents went to Mexico for a week WITHOUT kids in the 1990s š¤¦š»āāļø). My oldest is now 14 and it makes for lovely dinner dates!
I admit, we did start leaving them home (shhh! Donāt call DCFS) to go out in our town or to a neighbors when our oldest turned 12. Oldest 2 have phones and we have a ton of neighbors with whom we are friendly.
And I STILL remember that part of the Ramona book! I did NOT remember that she was only in K though! Iām trying to get my 9 year old to walk to school on her own!
Ha, I was wondering if someone else from IL would comment! 14 feels so old, I was curious if people here actually follow it (Iām sure thereās a privilege lens to this)
Iām in Illinois and the law is actually more nuanced (see below) so we are totally fine with our kids 12, 11, 10, 7 and 3 staying home alone with various combinations of siblings and various times of day. Mostly just short stints while carpooling other kids or occasionally a night out where they put themselves to bed and we get home at like 10 or 11 pm. The 11yo is actually the most responsible and best with the younger kids.
This is what the law says according to DCFS website: Illinois law defines a neglected minor, in part, as āany minor under the age of 14 years whose parent or other person responsible for the minorās welfare leaves the minor without supervision for an unreasonable period of time without regard for the mental or physical health, safety or welfare of that minor.ā
A side effect to leaving your kids home alone together is itās a neat step in their relationships with each other as they mature. They will create a routine and memories differently when youāre not around. My husband and I leave our two home for Thursday date nights and now our kids (14 and 17) get a little disappointed when we change plans. They enjoy Thursday āsibling nightā and plan out dinner and a show to watch together. they look forward to some downtime with each other that wouldnāt happen otherwise. The funniest thing was after my eldest started driving they went out to eat at the same restaurant my hubby and I were at! I was so surprised to see them out since up until then they had to stay home and cook together or order takeout if we werenāt there. Iāve found it to be a great step towards growing up to spread their wings together as siblings instead of with friends all the time.
Aww I love that story!!!
I’m the oldest of four. One thing my parents did that was helpful in retrospect was make it clear that we all had a responsibility to get along and be safe when they were out. Although as the oldest I was babysitting outside of the house, I was not babysitting my siblings and was not paid to watch them. Instead, my parents paid by the hour into a “family fund” that the siblings could then decide how to use. Sometimes we spent it ordering pizza or Chinese food the next time my parents went out. Sometimes we put it towards an outing our parents otherwise might not have wanted to take us to, like ice skating or going to an amusement park. But it had to be something for all of us–we weren’t allowed to just cash out a quarter of the money in the fund and keep it!
that is cool!!
I teach seventh grade which is 12 and 13. Some of my girls are babysitting already. You could always check and see if any local organizations have a babysitting course available, too.
Things to consider about babysitting: ability to handle an emergency. Knowing how to call 911, when it’s appropriate to call, who else can be reached out to. Knowing some basic first aid: choking, burns, cuts? Will younger siblings listen to them and follow instructions? Will they not do something dangerous, like try to cook something? Know not to open the door to anyone? Know what to do if the fire alarm goes off?
Ooh great questions!!
Yes to all of this! I think it has more to do with a tween/teen’s capabilities and level head in an emergency. From my perspective, it sounds like A is very mature and could handle all of this well, but it’s something to talk through. I reiterate things every time we leave the kids home alone.
We have security cameras at our house so we can always monitor if someone comes but our kids know not to answer the door, where to go if there’s a fire, confirming to leave in an emergency and not get ANYTHING out of the house, and we always leave a cell phone home with the kids for emergencies.
We started leaving our kids home alone this year (13.5-year-old daughter + 9-year-old son). Usually it’s just while we run errands or go for a walk, but it is LIFE CHANGING. LIFE CHANGING, I tell you!!! And I recently had to run into a local city to pick my husband up from the airport and we left them for 4 hours. They watched some TV, but I also had a list of chores for them to do.
Again. It’s life changing!
can totally see how big this milestone really is!!!
In our state, itās 8 years old to stay home alone and 13 to babysit, so that makes the decision easier for us. Our kids will be 13, 8, and 5 next year and I canāt wait to leave them all at home. (We did start leaving the oldest at home when she was 8 years old.) My huge dilemma, though is whether or not the oldest should get paid or not to stay home with her siblings? On the one hand, weāre not asking her to entertain her siblings like we would a $25/hr sitter, but on the other hand, I am cautious about her feeling taken for granted and feeling āoldest daughterā syndrome.
Lots of discussion here on this too! So far we have not paid and defer to āthis is part of being a helpful member of this familyā but she has definitely argued hard for it!
We pay $5/hr (since our daughter was 12 yo; she is now 14). Itās much less than she makes babysitting for other families, but it isnāt zero, and she doesnāt complain!
My kids are two years apart. When my daughter (the oldest) was in 6th grade she began staying home alone with her brother who was in 4th grade. I had to work early in the morning so they were responsible for getting up, eating breakfast, and getting on the school bus. We also left them for a couple of hours at a time for outings at that age. My daughter, now 19, is extremely responsible college student and I attribute it at least in part to the fact that I gave her a lot of responsibility at a fairly young age. Also, my kids remain close as teens and often hang out and go places in the summer when they are out of school and we are at work.
12yo girl and 8yo boy here. The 12yo started staying home solo around age 10. About a year ago we were really stuck for a sitter on back to school night and tried out leaving them together and it went fine! We now do it regularly (but not for longer than 2ish hours, and never past bedtime). We also now will leave the 8yo for 15-20 min while we chauffeur big sis to an activity nearby. I think our comfort zone is how far away we are (usually less than 10 min).
I think it really depends on your kids. If you feel like they’re responsible, it would be fine to leave them for short periods. You could start with something REALLY short, like running out to the store, and then move on to going out to dinner at a restaurant nearby. BTW I also walked to school alone (or sometimes with a friend) in kindergarten. It probably partially had to do with the town we lived in (very safe, the school wasn’t far away) and the time period- 1970s was a fun time to be a kid!
the main thing we have started to do on occasion is to run simultaneously in the early AMs. Usually there is only a short period when both Josh and I are out and 99% of the time everyone is asleep (we wake them when we return for school) but that is still super helpful. WOWWWWW walking alone to K!! Impressive!!!
My kids are 12.5, 10, and 3. We have been leaving our older kids home alone for the last couple of years, and they manage just fine — we don’t ask them to do anything like cook a frozen pizza, but they can hang out / read / watch TV or whatever while we run errands or are at work etc.
Our 3 year old, however, is a wild child and we don’t want to put that level of responsibility on his siblings at this point. Over the summer we had my 13 year old niece come and help out — she was in charge of the 3 year old, and it made it more like the 3 older kids were a team helping to care for him and themselves. And it helped our 3 year old to feel like he had someone who was “in charge” of him who wasn’t one of his siblings. We have left our 2 boys — the oldest and youngest — home alone together a couple of times but it’s been during naps or when the 3 year old is engrossed in Paw Patrol, but one of my goals for this coming year is to allow our oldest to take more responsibility in this area. He is a goofball in many ways, like most 7th grade boys, but he’s great with his younger brother and I think allowing the 3 of them the opportunity to navigate life together without adults present is an important thing for everyone. And communicating that level of trust in our oldest, and offering him that level of responsibility, is really important to us too.
I donāt live in your house, but based on what Iāve read about your kids, theyāre ready. We started leaving ours a couple years ago. My oldest is 15 now and there are six in total, so our house is generally a circus. They do pretty well alone. They seem to know that itās a group effort and every now and then we incentivize good behavior. We generally donāt go far, but have left them for several hours. Our strategy early on was to make sure they were good and tired and hadnāt spent much time on screens earlier in the day. Then tv and video games had an appeal once we left the house. I think kids need that responsibility and independence much earlier than a lot of people seem comfortable with these days. Too many kids going off to college with little experience managing things on their own and too many parents happy to continue solving all their problems for them.
Interesting point about the benefits to the kids as well as the parents! I don’t know what it says about my kids, but screens are appealing to them regardless of how many prior hours were spent on screens, ha! That said totally makes sense!
Its so funny how much times have changed, and I do think it has a lot to do with how frantic time feel sometimes. My sister and I walked or biked to/home from school AND home from lunch from ages 7-10. (We lived on an Air Force base, and if you lived on base, you walked home for lunch. There was no room in the cafeteria for you.) My mother walked us the first week, then we were on our own. I was a mother’s helper starting at age 10, then fully a babysitter by 12. I took a babysitting course at the YMCA- we learned CPR and first aid. I charged $2/hr. This was in the 1980’s. We rode our bikes to our piano lessons and other practices. My mother does not understand my sister’s modern reality- LOL! (I don’t have kids.) She’s always “Why don’t the kids just walk/ride their bike to x?” My full-time working sister is required to stay at her kid’s lessons. My stay-at-home mother did not not even drive us to ours.
I don’t know if it is location-dependent or not, but my sister says she cannot find teenage babysitters for love or money. It just does not seem to be a thing in her area. It makes it incredibly hard for her to go out. Our parents do not live close enough for Grandma to be an easy option, and Grandma seems to be who everyone else uses. She can get a college girl sometimes, but they charge nanny rates, so it’s a once-in-a-while treat.
So many helpful comments! I want to echo what everyone else has said “it depends on the kid” (meaning ALL of the kids) and probably also the relationship between the older and younger ones. Say the younger one doesn’t listen to the older one, maybe it’s not fair to leave them alone even if the older one is technically “old enough.”
We were actually having a similar conversation this morning, mostly about whether my husband can take a travel job, and at what age we can leave Dylan at home overnight since I also have to take call and potentially be at work all night approximately 2 times per month. Honestly? I think she could do it now at age 12. This child *thrives* on being given responsibility. She recently started cooking her own dinner, can remember to take the dogs out and feed them without being nagged (and actually it works better if I set the expectation in advance and I leave her alone to do it), and has been getting herself to bed without supervision for the past two years (she actually did this for the first time when she was 6 and I was in residency and desperately needed to go to bed before her — shhhhhh don’t tell anyone!). However from an optics standpoint we are thinking 15 might be better, even though I have a home call position. We haven’t had a babysitter since our last au pair quit when she was 9… which was facilitated by Luca working from home. But then also, we started letting her come home to an empty house at 10, and she started being able to get herself ready and out the door from an empty house at age 11. She also recently started taking the public bus to school (it’s faster than the school bus) and figured out all the logistics with that as well.
HOWEVER, the logistics of the after school activities could still be problematic. Our district cut bussing to sports events for high school students this year, and if both Luca and I are working or out of town, she has to miss whatever activity was supposed to be that night. If she develops an interest in something else that is inconveniently located, that could be a problem too. I’d imagine with three of them, that issue would be even further magnified. Curious to hear what you decide!
Very interesting! I hadn’t considered longer stretches away – was first thinking about date nights because this is an area where I tend to rely on outside sitters (not our nanny) and it is pricey and labor intensive to get them booked, PLUS the last couple of dates we had the kids were still up when we got home so that magic “the sitter did bedtime!” aspect was removed. So just feels less . . worth it!!!
I think with your awesome kids, you could do this now no problem, especially if the restaurant is nearby and if C and G listen to A. Michigan law said we could leave Dyl home alone at age 10, so we started doing that to go out to eat about once per month, even to Detroit which is 40 min away. Then I became paranoid about dying in a car accident (one of our fellows — both parents were killed in a car accident her fellowship year)… and Dylan likes more food, so now when we go to Detroit we usually take her. But, A2 which is 10 min away is still fair game. We also left her by herself in the house during the day — all day long — a few times this past summer when Luca had to travel for work and I was in the OR. It went well!
Totally makes sense!! I think if it were just A, I’d feel TOTALLY ready for all of the above. It’s the other two (GENERALLY they listen, but sometimes they all FIGHT which could be bad!) that give me pause. But this all sounds lovely and I am excited for the next phase!!
Regarding afternoon activities, could she take an Uber?
Or can you arrange carpooling?
Personally, I would NOT want my husband in a travel job just yet. Maybe in 3-5 years. š
I will preface this by saying that I live in Colorado where families generally encourage independent kids more than I have observed in other parts of the country. As context, most kids are getting to school on their own by 2nd or 3rd grade and often skiing alone around that time. We started leaving our kids for very short times at 9 and 11 (30 min, <10 min away, like going to Target). Now they're 12 and 10. We leave them for slightly longer periods (maybe up to 1.5 hours, <15 min away). If we're going to be out of communication or it will take a while to get back (e.g. long bike ride or further away) we get a babysitter. They do know our neighbors and have many friends in the neighborhood so I feel confident about the community. Although 2.5 years apart, my youngest is very responsible so they are pretty matched in maturity. Also, to the point above about doing learning to shop, etc., I often send them into stores by themselves, to buy food at events, etc. They have been doing this for at least 2 years and no one has lost my credit card yet (fingers crossed).
You definitely do not. I think I am more willing to leave the kids, though, because I have always been home with them and know they are used to LIGHT SUPERVISION (lol).
I know this isn’t the point of your post, but I love that Ramona story and it is incredible that she was allowed to walk to school alone at 5! We listen to Ramona a lot in our household (the Stockard Channing Audible series is so so good) and I was just thinking how much those stories are still relevant today. That walking to school story teaches us to give kids more freedom (not at 5, but not as old we do now) and the ability to learn from their mistakes. The story (I think in the same book) about how she wants so badly to touch Susan’s curls is a great early lesson on bodily consent.
Yes! Same book, and so true.
Just for more data pointsā¦ my oldest two are 9.5 and 7, and Iāll leave them together at home for an hour or so if Iām nearby, with a reminder that they can call me from their iPads if they need! 9.5 would stay home alone for 20 mins but likes to have company of sisterā¦ 7 refuses to be home alone for 10 mins (eg while I go to the corner shop). 9.5 is allowed to walk home from school alone (in fact the school encourage it) so we are practising and I have got her an Xplora watch for tracking/safety. Next year sheāll be allowed to walk her sister home too.
The baby (11mo) has an explosive personality and I donāt think Iāll be leaving her with the the older two for Quite Some Time – for *their* protection, not the babyās!
My kids are twins and South African (more unsafe than where you stay) and we left them at home alone about 2 – 3 years ago for the first time. We first left them for exactly one hour (“look at the clock, it’s 11 and we’ll be back at 12”) at a time, and gradually extended it to a lunch out, and so on. We have done movies at night (home 10ish) but that is the longest. Of course about two years ago, they had their own phones so that also gave us comfort. I think you’ll know very quickly if they will be ok. Because A will be responsible for C and G, I would also wait til at least 13 – 13.5.