(As I hit ‘post’ on this I feel like it sort of belongs on an early 2000s typepad entry. I get a little personal here. And I am not looking for anyone to ‘solve’ my current struggles, don’t worry. But I feel okay sharing, and maybe if anyone else experiences similar things they might feel less alone.)
ME IN THE MORNING:
“Ahhh, feeling so peaceful! I love coffee. I’m so glad it exists, even if it’s half-caf.
Let’s review my schedule – okay! Looks good. Manageable. Nothing there that looks too onerous. Should be a good day! Lots of nice little things to look forward to.
Okay, time to read. I am happy to focus on reading. I have no desire to check anything on my phone — why is that even a thing? I can’t imagine feeling like I’d rather scroll than experience the world’s wonders in the present moment. Surely I will feel this way forever and ever.
I feel really positive about life, even with various challenges. Yoga feels good! I feel lucky for everything I have. Now, I will happily start making lunches and get the kids up.”
ME IN THE EVENING:
“Seriously, what is the point of anything? Nothing feels fun right now. What even IS fun?
I need my phone. Yes, NEED. Surely, I can find the answer to whatever is gnawing at my soul in there. Ugh, nothing good in there, even that is disappointing. Really, I can’t think of anything that would make me feel better. Nothing on the calendar seems like it will be fun, either.
And gah, right now? This moment? I am going to have to put G to bed and even that seems beyond my capabilities. WHY won’t the kids listen to me? Ugh, I am going to scar them for life with this depressive period. It’s obvious to them that I am sad, right?
I guess I could read my book but it’s boring. I can’t think of anything I want to watch or do.”
———–
This is a (huge!) exaggeration obviously but . . . I cannot help but notice this pattern, and I would really really like to snap out of it. It’s like a dark cloud settles every evening (sometimes afternoon), but it is absolutely temporary and I generally wake up every single morning feeling better. Not even just better, but objectively good!
I can’t even identify what it is I am so down about. It’s not “loss of running” in any sort of direct way. I feel generally at peace with the idea that the running phase of my life is over. It’s a loss, but not an absolutely devastating one. It’s perhaps some medical anxiety, but even that feels . . . not quite right? Because I don’t have any reason to think that things are likely to change quickly with my health, and despite some extra beats here and there, right now I am currently stable and have no pain or discomfort most of the time.
Yesterday I was almost successful at evading The Evening Mood. Josh took C & G to soccer (our nanny is off this week; I took kid duty Mon + Weds; he took it Tues while I had patients!) and A was at gymnastics so I actually had the house alone. In theory, this sounds delightful! I managed to read for about an hour (Back After This by Linda Holmes — good though almost too cheery/predictable for where I am right now, maybe?) and then made dinner, but felt all the negativity creep back while I made the turkey burgers. Why? I don’t know. But there it was.
I am seeing a therapist weekly and I really like her (and our last session did give me some ideas that might help, but I didn’t put anything into action). I know many people will read this and think medication is the answer, but I am not ready to go down that road yet for a variety of reasons, one of which is that I feel like this is just so new and circumstantial (PLUS I may end up needing to go on some cardiac medications and I don’t want to start multiple things at once). AND ALSO – if I could just generally feel the way I feel during the first half of each day most days . . . things would be great.
I do think some of the answer has to do with actively FORCING myself to do things other than wallowing in the evenings. Wallowing was fine and even possibly helpful early on, but I am past that point now. I also need to connect with others more, as it always helps even when it feels like the last thing I want to do.
We are going away on a quick family theme park trip tomorrow so maybe the entirely different routine will be helpful, too. (I am currently trying to decide which rides at Volcano Bay and Hollywood Studios I can go on and which seem like bad choices . . . thankfully not all of my kids love crazy roller coasters so maybe I will provide a good excuse for more than one person!).
Anyway, that is where things are right now. I am okay! Just still struggling with some things. Off to try to enjoy the rest of the day (even after the sun goes down) — every day is a new chance and I will keep experimenting until I figure out what works.
30 Comments
I think it would be surprising if you DIDN’T feel this way. I think many/most (?) of us go through depressive episodes when something really hard happens. You are dealing with a big life change and went through a traumatic medical experience which is a lot to process. I kind of vacillate between leaning into my feelings and pushing through them. It sounds like you’ve figured out that wallowing isn’t helping matters (although it’s good that you reset every morning so don’t care that wallowing energy into the next day). I think you have a lot to grieve right now which will probably take some time. Therapy should definitely help as it’s nice to have an impartial 3rd party to talk to who only has your best interests at heart. So all in all, I have no advice – just lots of compassion for the challenging stage you are in. I bet your getaway with the family will be a great reset for you, though! Being out of your home environment can really help and your kids are at great ages for travel so it should be an enjoyable trip (hopefully!!).
Hi Sarah, I think like most of your readers and loved ones, I wish I could take the sadness away from you and help you find your energy. But I also know sadness is an inevitable part of life, and we all go through it for one reason or another. I think in our day, we no longer have the patience to endure it like previous generations, we like being in control. But believe me you are not doing any harm to your kids, but showing them these feelings are normal part of being a human and we need to give space to negative emotions as well. You need to take the time to wallow or “mourn” for what you feel like you lost properly, with all the time you need while continuing to try yoga, therapy, journal, blog etc. and going on with your life. This might also be a good time for planning a trip abroad with the family (even for 2026), something to get your imagination really triggered. It works especially if actually take the time to stay in a place European style to really enjoy and get used to the place, without rushing to see everything.
Could it be fatigue that is affecting your mood? Not the same, but I have MS and when my fatigue is bad, my mood takes a turn for the worse. Could you be doing too much in the mornings and then it be affecting your evenings?
Thanks for all your honesty on the blog. I’ve been having a tough time recently with fatigue and an a full on neonates rota, so have found a lot of solace in your book recommendation for Gentle. As horrendous as things feel with a life changing medical diagnosis things do get better and a new normal comes your way pretty quickly 💕
No pearls of wisdom – just wanted to send you a big virtual hug. Hope yoy have a great family trip.
Hi Sarah! You are definitely not alone. I think what you are experiencing is grief. You have lost something that was very important to you. Running everyday made you happy and proud and put extra endorphins in your body. Now, that time is gone. Maybe walking at the same time will help. Do the morning routine you had for running but just walk and maybe this will make you feel a little better. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are human and going through a hard life change. Take care!
I also think what you are feeling is normal and that if you feel the need to wallow it’s because it’s necessary. Imagine it’s your body telling you you’ve had a major shock (both physically and emotionally) and it needs downtime to recover from that. Grieving is a process and you have to go through the steps. And it takes as long as it needs.
Some form of art therapy might be helpful in addition to whatever other therapy you’re doing. But mostly trust that you need time to heal and listen to your body.
I know this is going to sound very simplistic, but could your blood sugar getting low in the evening hours/before dinner? I remember hearing on some podcast or other, “If you hate everyone, you need to eat, and if you feel like everyone hates you, you need to sleep,” which is, again, simplistic but also kind of true.
Since someone else experiencing similar things might feel less alone after reading you sharing your current circumstances, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger, I think it’s quite generous for you to share it. And I do think that you’ll figure out what works eventually.
I listened to this week’s BOBW episode. Your structure of some in-office days vs. some work-from-home days, plus planning in a personal day every so often, made sense to me, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger.
This sounds like a really frustrating pattern to be stuck inside, and it also sounds relatable and completely unsurprising for your current health situation. Even though you are “back to normal” in many ways, the mental stress and the uncertainty are probably continuing to take a toll on your physical, mental, and emotional stamina. So it seems very natural to me that you would kind of “hit a wall” at the end of the day. I have every hope that these emotional vacillations are temporary — which of course doesn’t in any way lessen how destabilizing they must be NOW. I hope you have a great, fun, distracting time during your family theme park outing.
I feel this in my core. We had a devastating death in my family 3 weeks ago (so I’m 1-2 weeks behind you I think in terms of life changing events) and for the first 1+ week I’d feel okay during the day and fell apart at night. Last week I had an activity almost every evening which is waaaay too much for my “normal” life and it definitely helped me overcome that pattern. Two of those nights I volunteered which made me feel good about giving back to others too. I’d encourage that as an option if you can swing it!
Except for work stress related to Federal policy, I haven’t been through anything like you have been through recantly and my energy pattern is not unlike yours. I have been blaming perimenopause, FWIW.
Yes, of course things seem tough right now, you have been through so much, and it will take time to get back to your normal rhythm, I love reading about your tips and recommendations- keep on going!
I wonder if this could be the mental result of your physical status in the evenings.
1. Low blood sugar will do this (to me) EVERY TIME. Do you need a mid afternoon snack? Maybe that can stave this off before dinner.
2. Ditto for exhaustion. Your body underwent a major medical event 6 weeks ago (ish). Is it not possible that you need more rest than you’re getting? Can you take a mid afternoon nap some days? Others, can you go to bed earlier?
3. Fresh air. I know you are approaching not nice FL weather, but can you tell yourself that after dinner before scrolling/bedtime, you are taking a 10 min walk around the block? And get outside one last time for the day. No matter how much I may dread it, spending time outside always boosts my mood.
To be honest, you have described the way my moods tend to go daily, though less extreme. By evening I am spent. I want to do nothing. I don’t choose to read over scroll. I am vigilant about trying to get enough rest and having a protein filled snack. If my physical homeostasis tips off evenly slightly, it wreaks havoc of my mental health. The “oh no, I can’t handle bedtime” rang so true. I’ve found that I really need the kids’ compliance there. Like “Mom’s really tired now. I will definitely tuck you in, if you can get yourself ready in the next 5 minutes. Otherwise you’re on your own.”
I know this is temporary and I’m
Sure you’ll get through it. But it still stinks to be in it. I’m sorry.
Also, I do agree with the commenters who posted that you are experiencing grief. I hope my comment does not belittle that. I was hoping to offer some concrete ideas to help ebb the flow a bit—AND I do think that part of this shocking change is sitting with the pain of loss and working through the grief.
The only way out is through.
It sucks. I’m sorry. 🤍
There is no timeline on when we “should” feel better after a major loss. It’s ok to just feel how you feel without self-judgment. It *will* get better with with time, even if it feels like it’s taking a long time.
I don’t think you need to fix anything. Melancholy is a totally fine state of being. I think expectations and impatience are what ruin everything. Life circumstances are always always changing. Enjoy your vacation!
Could it just be the loss of exercise? Exercise and having a physical outlet brings me such joy and relief, I couldn’t imagine not having that in my life and how I would feel. I hope that you can find something. Ew that brings that same release.
I’m also wondering if this is fatigue-related? I know you’re coping with some big life changes right now- but the fact that you feel so good in the morning and so crappy by the evening makes me wonder if you’re just getting tired. I’m guessing it’s not practical for you to take a short nap on most days- but I wonder if you did 20-30 minutes if that would make a difference. Oooooorrrrr… would it be possible for you to do a very short yoga session in the evening? I wonder if that would trigger those same good feelings and snap you back into “morning mood.” I don’t know- I guess we’re just throwing theories around here! Thanks for sharing this- you know we’re all rooting for you.
Thanks for writing this! I wish that it was not your reality, but since it is, and you know that you can’t be the only person who has ever had these feelings, why not put it out there? I have no doubt that getting further out from the incident, getting more information at your Hopkins visit, and more therapy will chase put the kibbosh on The Evening Mood.
Oof, this sounds rough. I’m with the others wondering if it’s fatigue and grief and maybe a blood sugar dip? Your days are still so busy and you have a lot to process. Maybe it’s time and rest that you need. I hope you can get a handle on it.
I think how you’re feeling is very normal, especially given what you’ve recently gone through! I have the same pattern of dread/irritation, except mine occurs in the morning. Night is my Pollyanna time.
I feel exactly the same as your description… the exaggerated one. But for me that’s not an exaggeration.
My psychiatrist told me people with organic depression feel worse in the morning and situational depression tends to be worse at night. This was more than ten years ago so maybe thinking has changed?
He suggested this was a result of the days actually being fine objectively, but in reality it’s a chasm for what you expected a wanted. Day after consolation prizes soon wear thin and you’re left feeling misaligned to your values and vision of the ideal self.
He suggests intentional change theory combined with ACT. Brad stolberg (sp.) wrote a book this lately. It resonated with me and helps at times.
What I will say is deal with it now. I have felt this way the majority of the time for the last 6years and it is hard.
I feel like a fraud giving you advice, because my grief is about living across an ocean from family and not building my life and raising my children in my country with my friends and family. For myriad reasons this has just not worked out. You have no choice, so I think mental health professionals will be able to help you. I have been fired by three counselors/psychologists because in the end they throw up their hands and say move back home or I can’t help you! Fair. They tried. Ha ha
I don’t understand the US health system, but (as a non-cardiologist physician outside the US) I wonder whether you might be able to access cardiac rehab to improve stamina / energy, help with mood, guide safe return to activity and (by my understanding) improve long term cardiac outcomes too?
Idk Sarah, you’re a morning person. It makes sense to me that you would be more dysregulated jn the evening. As an evening person I am usually fine in the evening, but I wake up in a bad mood (if there is something to be in a bad mood about, which is often these days unfortunately). Blah blah blah grief. Sure.
Oh and also if I know you, you’re probably freaking out about getting fat now, now that you can’t run, and are likely super hungry in the evening from over-restricting. So maybe that’s part of it too.
So many good comments above…a couple of thoughts….
1. After going through what you went through, range of emotions seems super normal. I am actually shocked that people would even suggest medication for a safer mood-girl you are not even 2 months out. To me, your emotions should be all over the place…maybe the trick is to be more ok with less comfortable emotions floating by…if you were a year out, that’s different. For now, seems super reasonable to be blue sometimes
2. Totally agree with the fact that you are likely a morning person….and things feel harder at night.
3. What about allowing yourself a day (or 15 min) to wallow…and the forcing going for a walk, laundry+audio book (maybe match book you are physically reading so you’re getting further along)…peppy music, book a walk with a friend…etc
Thinking of you!
I have this experience myself, I call it ‘Sundowners Syndrome’ although the term officially applies to those with alzheimers/dementia. It just seems that as the day goes on, and the evening routine approaches, my anxiety or overwhelm peaks. Maybe it’s that the general stress and overwhelm builds up on a daily basis, or maybe I’m ignoring signs that I need to turn inward (meditation, journaling, checking in with myself, etc).
The exaggerated version of this for me was postpartum periods, dealing with the late afternoon/evening witching hours with a fussy baby, dreading the nighttime feeds, etc. Both my babies were born in January and the cold dark evenings were unbearable in some ways.
It is unfortunate because our kids seem to need us the most in the evenings. If my anxiety is high, I just don’t have the patience, more short tempered, and just trying to get the kids to bed so I can be alone.
I have found it helpful to do any of the meditations, breathing exercises, journaling, etc around lunchtime, to sort of let the steam out of the pot so to speak. And maybe another check in around 4ish before kids starting getting home. And also to remind myself that ‘I can do hard things’ and ‘This too shall pass’.
I am the same sarah maybe less dramatic as nowadays I spend 1-2 hours with the girls when i get home and not much time else to think/feel because I’m too exhausted to sleep. It maybe due to our morning person feature? we tend to be positive in the morning and then as the day goes by, we are ready to rest by 6pm but we still need to get through until bed time, coupled with parent duties.
maybe make a list of things that YOU find fun to do in the evening that you look forward to? and let the family know you need those minutes?
This is rough and I’m sorry you are going through such extreme ups and downs throughout the day. And I think you are doing everything you NEED to be doing right now. You’re in talk therapy, you’re leaning into the emotions, and you understand that this is part of the process. I think it’s good to have these types of personal posts because it’s a reminder to ALL of us that sometimes life throws us curveballs we were not expecting and I think things are so much harder when you’re past the acute phase of the curveball and now just in real life and learning how to COPE with this thing long-term. <3 Sending lots of good vibes your way!
Thank you so much Stephany!!!