Yesterday I finished all of my self-assigned work tasks, so I’m on track for my current creative-work plan! I continue to feel like seeing the month as a whole here is a) such a game-changer and b) so obvious now that I’ve implemented it that I don’t know why I didn’t do it before!
However, it should be noted that I do not mind writing blog posts in the margins of life; in fact, I enjoy it. So, this will remain an exception to my “keep creative work on creative work days for now” rule.
Here are some things I’m currently ruminating over:
Logistical challenge #1: A has identified a camp she wants to do (cheer camp with 2 friends from school). This is great, but it’s 30 minutes away AND she has to make it to gymnastics at 4:30 pm three days per week. That said, it’s only ~15 minutes from the other kids’ camps, so I think we can make it work. I woke up in the middle of the night and could not stop thinking about the driving logistics. This is unlike me, but I guess the summer is getting a little too complicated for my taste (if she goes, there would be a week where all 3 are at different camps — though they are fairly close AND G’s camp is A’s gymnastics gym so . . there’s some economy of scale with the drop offs).
Also, our nanny hasn’t been driving our kids in the morning for quite some time, but she’ll be doing some of this over the summer (and is willing). So really, it should be doable.
Logistical challenge #2: I have A LOT of travel I want to fit in over the next few months, including a clinical conference that would have me on the west coast when the kids start their Monday – Friday sleepaway camp (historically, I’ve done that first drop off, plus this is G’s first year) AND a trip with my college friends that would overlap with one of the days they return home from camp.
I am inclined to do both trips. Last year, I MISSED BOTH of these things — I skipped the clinical conference because of a gymnastics show, and skipped the friend trip because of the drama we were dealing with in Aug/Sept.
There is a chance that my friends will move the trip to FL (they offered this after my medical stuff happened) but really – it’s not that desirable to come here in August!! So, we will see. But, logistics. They are a lot.
Results that caught me by surprise: I received a confirmation email and went to set up my Hopkins MyChart as prompted, and there it was: their MRI interpretation. I did not expect to get any sort of result until the appointment (which is this coming Monday), so that was kind like a woah moment.
I had been living with this little optimistic sliver of “MAYBE THEY WILL TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH THE READ AND SAY I WAS MISDIAGNOSED AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M ACTUALLY FINE AND IN FACT, THEY MIGHT SAY FEEL FREE TO RUN AGAIN AND TAKE OUT THE DEFIBRILLATOR WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!” This wasn’t the most realistic line of thinking (Josh did not agree) but there ARE known instances of overdiagnosis (here’s a paper about it!) so I was clinging to a shred of doubt, or hope, or something.
Well. That shred shriveled up and died when I saw the read, which detailed all of the concerning features present in the prior read in clear and confident language (the prior one was a little bit “hedgy”, like you could tell the radiologist didn’t want to entirely commit). I was a little bit sad but then also kind of recognized that it wasn’t that surprising (we had been really careful getting a second opinion read already) and then I was a little bit relieved not to have to get this official news at the appointment. Better to process it in advance because I think I’ll be able to focus better on next steps, recommendations, etc.
Anyway. So that is what is occupying my mind right now. And it sounds sad, but honestly I’m doing okay, much better than I was a few weeks ago. I am bracing myself to be told to cut out the Peloton workouts I’m doing now (I recognize they probably aren’t ideal but they are currently a balm and I’m committed to following official expert recs when I get them) but hey, at least I’ll be prepared.
I will leave you with this fun post from The Frugal Girl: In Defense of Little Treats. I too love little treats of all kinds. (Honestly, I love big treats too, within reason.)
22 Comments
It’s interesting to read that you put logistic challenges together with getting the “final diagnostic” together, which is good because it means you’ve accepted, embraced it, and ready to move on and enjoy life as it is. Beautiful to see your process Sarah, in a relatively quick way, which is impressive.
Well… realistically I think you were prepared for this all along, and as you said, now you can focus on what to do moving forward. No more gray areas! I hope you get all the information you need at the appointment next week.
Your summer logistics do sound complicated! I hope you get your travel in. It sounds like you regret not doing both those trips last year, so now is the time! And I’m glad the kids all have camps and activities that will be fun for them.
In my experience, nothing is as good for the soul as a trip with dear college friends. And it seems especially important after the year you’ve had. Your kids will be fine!
Taking the work trip and spending time with friends both sound wonderful! I think if they’re willing to come to you, it’s worth considering–yes FL in August is gross but most of the country in August is gross so unless your other option is like San Francisco or the New Hampshire mountains or something, might as well be sweaty where it’s convenient for you. And at least in FL there are a lot of places to swim and/or be in the air conditioning! Of course, it all depends if there is a place that would be easier for more of your friends, if you already put down deposits, etc. But maybe letting your friends flex for you after your crisis of last fall and your medical issues is ok–consider it a little treat for you? Or an opportunity to let them feel good about helping you during a hard year?
I also think that you were already ready for the MRI interpretation from Hopkins MyChart even back in March, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger. And yes, I agree that now that you get the MRI interpretation from Hopkins MyChart, you’ll become even more ready for the diagnosis and treatments that you’ll get from your visit to Johns Hopkins Medicine.
And I do feel your logistical challenges in the coming months, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger.
I agree with Point to Ponder. Everywhere is hot in August, so I think your friends should come to FL! I’m glad that all of the camps and travel can happen. Hooray that your appointment is almost here.
I love treats big and small! But it’s always about the little things.
There is a lot of positives about having a clear answer, and I think your attitude of being ready to move forward is very admirable.
Your camp logistics sound quite stressful! I have one kid and I’m already pre-fretting about all the details. I hope it works for both the conference and especially the friends trip to happen!
I know you are an upholder so I just came here to say that you don’t “have” to do anything…. So yes, the doctors may tell you to cut your peloton workouts, but ultimately the decision is up to you. The doctors will tell you what they think is best but ultimately you’ll need to make the best decision for yourself. And hopefully you treat yourself with grace and kindness! 🙂
My hubby is an upholder and had to be on a very strict diet due to his medical condition a couple years ago. I gently reminded him from time to time that it was OK to have an ice cream (I don’t think he would have done it otherwise!) because after all he did have to live his life (and it probably wouldn’t kill him).
I’m hoping you can find a nice balance of what works for you and also appeases the doctors recommendations. Walking sounds like a great fit at minimum!
You’re right I do have agency! But I know at the end of the day, if my heart function were to worsen and I didn’t follow expert recs I think I’d be pretty mad at myself. So I plan to basically do what I’m told. But great reminder that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Hopefully a reasonable balance can be found!!
I think you should def do the girlfriend trip and the work trip too if that is important to you! I would let your friends come to you if that would make it easier for you. It’s less about the destination and more about the time together. If having them in FL lowers your stress, choose that option!
I like that Hopkins has its sh*t together and already has your MRI read/provided a report! That bodes well for your experience at their clinic IMO! I wish the results had been different though. 🙁 But it’s good to get out of the gray zone where you question everything.
A logistics idea for driving to/from cheer camp….could you arrange a carpool with the parents of A’s 2 friends? You win for less driving and the girls win for extra time together.
Yes and no bc we all
Live in different directions!!
I have visited Florida in August before (my in-laws live close to you! In Boca Raton). Honestly, sometimes it’s cooler there than in the DC or NYC area on a given day, even with humidity. (Granted, August in those areas is also….undesirable weather. Ha.) But generally if you find indoor activities midday, you can still be outside in the morning and evening, especially if you’re near the water and free of mosquitos. I agree with other commenters that the point of the weekend is being together, rather than the destination! Unless YOU were excited to be somewhere else in August, which is a different thing, I vote move that trip to FL just for this year. You all can resume traveling next year?
What a surprise it must have been to get your results yesterday! I’m sorry that it wasn’t a different diagnosis, and glad for you to have the uncertainty removed. Now you can focus on what lies ahead.
I hope you still get to do your peloton strength classes! 🤍 I know you like having something along those lines in your life. Have you been missing running? You haven’t really written that explicitly and I’m curious. Thinking of you.
yes I chatted with one of them yesterday and it seems they are more than amenable to a FL trip with lots of air condition! as my friend pointed out – it’s pretty much hot everywhere, and nail salons are air conditioned. ha!! i definitely miss running but because i’m pretty confident it’s just a hard “no” for me, i haven’t thought about it too much. i REALLY have liked having the structure of Peloton workouts most days (strength or yoga) but . . admittedly they do get my HR quite high most of the time (not the yoga — that seems fine! — but the strength). I can see how I might be better off transitioning to a gym with heavier weights and longer rest times though and am open to that. I also think I’m feeling more okay with “well as long as I can regularly do SOMETHING”. It also helps that I have very “low running” periods to look back on that were objectively fine (2020 actually – running felt too jarring and I exclusively did Beachbody workouts!).
I find it really inspiring that you aren’t dwelling on the loss of running. It’s a no so you aren’t dwelling on it. REMARKABLE. I think it may speak to an underlying positivity in your nature, which I think comes out across your writing and podcasting. I want to be more like you in this way! Thanks for being a great example of how to handle really, really hard things with grace in a super healthy way. Seriously.
I also agree with sesb–don’t leave Hopkins without approval for SOME kind of regular fitness routine. You need it for your mental health, and there has to be something they can see fit for you. Knitting and gardening are out. Weight lifting, yoga, pilates, with whatever parameters they want to put around them–something has to be okay.
Could you have your friends come to FL and then do a spa day or go to a nice restaurant (or both!)? Morning walk on the beach before it gets too hot followed by breakfast/brunch?
I wish I could be reassuring about what the exercise recommendations are going to be but unfortunately I have not found most doctors to be at all flexible in their recommendations in the face of incomplete data. Maybe you should plan to tell them, “Listen, if I am not able to exercise at all, I will literally lose my mind. What do you suggest I do?” They may suggest you take up knitting or gardening, but if so, I give you permission to punch them in the face.
I am picturing me getting violent at the appointment upon a knitting suggestion and it’s a fairly amusing picture 🙂 (my spatial skills are SO BAD that . . . I think my HR would get higher knitting than yoga. haha.)
I laughed out loud at the idea of Sarah punching the specialist in the face. And, to be clear, I second this permission. GIVE SARAH APPROVED EXERCISE OPTIONS, DOCTORS!!!
Knowing that it’s very likely that the doctors will give you a conservative answer, perhaps at least a little bit because lawyers and malpractice inform how doctors advise patients, I think there’s a lot to be said about how you frame the question to the doctors – “what’s the least risky/harmful exercise I can do” will get you a different answer than “can I still run” or “can I exercise”. And the lawyer in me says that a series of smaller questions that help you understand the nuance of exercising with your condition and may be a more beneficial line of questioning. Like what are the signs that I’m exercising too much? Is heart rate alone the only indicator I should watch? Are there other factors to consider? Is the amount of time my heart rate is elevated the problem versus short stints to higher heart rates perfectly safe? How does having the ICD impact how I exercise? Should I think of it as something that keeps me in the safe zone and I can rely on it on a regular basis to moderate what my heart is doing or should I only think of it as an emergency backup? Ie does having it expand the range or intensity of exercises I’m able to do on a daily basis or should I not expect to rely on it for routine matters? Etc, etc.
At the end of the day, exercising is important for your physical and mental health; it isn’t a better outcome to significantly reduce your physical activity to protect your heart at the expense of the rest of your body. I think about my role counseling clients – that yes, reducing litigation risk is important, but if you always choose the approach that results in zero chance of litigation, you likely aren’t running a very good business/administering a very good program. I think it’s probably the same here. The life that has zero risk of worsening your heart may not be the best life for you. And ultimately, you (not doctors, not Josh, not your kids, not your parents, not other family, not internet friends who read your blog) are the one who gets to make the decision as to what level of risk you’re comfortable with. (I know for me personally when I was in perimenopause the symptoms were so so bad in terms of my quality of life that I decided that if I ever had to choose between cancer and hrt, I would chose cancer. Because I’d rather have a shorter, higher quality life than a longer one living with the many very bad menopause symptoms I was dealing with.)
Also, your risk/benefit analysis regarding exercise may change over time – like the risk may not be worth it for vanity based reasons like weight alone or body composition, but may be worth it because of the impact on your mental health or negative bloodwork. Maybe you’re exercising more/more intensely in times of blue moods and exercising less when you feel good. Planning for a super nuanced conversation with the doctors that gives you factors to consider as you make this decision over time may be a more helpful way to frame the conversation than a conversation framed as tell me what will keep my heart condition from getting any worse than it already is. The answer might legitimately be don’t tax your heart, ever, but if you get to that point after a very nuanced conversation, you can at least be confident in that answer.
all good points . . . and nuance important here. always risk/benefit analysis to everything . . .
If you need to scale back aerobic options, I wonder if you might like bouldering or rock climbing? It’s less prolonged exertion…I think of it as a fun form of weightlifting because you’re lifting yourself and you have to decide how to progress along a route. Not sure if you have a rock climbing gym near you or how it would affect your heart, but it might be something fun to try.
interesting idea!! I’ve always felt like my upper body strength sucks and I’m short so I’d be ‘bad’ at this but I could see how it would be recreationally fun.