“Tiny Griefs of Motherhood”
I definitely can’t take credit for the phrase – it comes from this Mom Hour ep that aired earlier this week. But I do kind of love it. Like the hosts, I am not the kind of person who was all that sad when my kids finished with every little-kid milestone. (Instead, I was happy to have the memories AND excited to move on!)
Yet the older they get and the more limited my “time-with-kids-at-home” span starts to seem, the more I do feel some of that sadness mixed in with joy of having kids that are growing more independent by the day.
AND with that, I will note that I am a little bit sad that the school year has come to a close! We have only one elementary schooler left. If I was trying to tell myself I’m still kind of in the little kid years — well, I think I can probably admit that we have fully moved on.
(Does it still take G a long time to put on her socks? Yes it does. But she’s almost 7.5. She’s got 12″ to catch up with me — not a high bar, I know, but this was still kind of surprising at her last PCP visit. She is definitely entering bigger kid territory and the other kids are squarely in tween/teen land.)
Other tiny griefs I have noted as of late:
- A and I wear the same shoe size, and are the same height (which I am pretty sure is not going to last, I don’t think she’s done)
- I only read to one kid at night and the other two are often up later than I am
- Almost everyone orders off of the REGULAR menu now ($$$)
- I don’t get A’s results in MyChart anymore (teens have to sign a proxy to give parents access, which I am totally fine with, but I was like – woahhh I can’t believe we are there)
- My 5-year travel plan takes us to when A will be going to college (!)
- The big kids only have drop-off parties — this is awesome but also means I definitely don’t get to know the other parents nearly as well as when the kids were little. (At 7, most of G’s parties still involve parents staying. Apparently S FL runs really late with this particular milestone.)
That said, I think the good outweighs the bad! I really do love this phase of parenting/life. And so, I will counterbalance each of the above with a Tiny Celebration of Parenthood:
Awesome things about the current stage:
- I can leave the kids home for short stints (longer if A is home)! I would not leave G by herself, but A is truly babysitting age and I’m comfortable with C hanging out for short stretches if I’m close by. This is truly a life logistics game-changer.
- Their media (and other) interests align more with my interests! YES Bluey is awesome, but everyone (myself included) was pretty thrilled to watch 13 Going On 30 last weekend, and the options will only improve with time. I legit enjoy most of the music they pick for our morning drives.
- They can mostly take their own showers (I just use the “mostly” caveat bc G will still ask for help washing her hair sometimes though she can mostly do it on her own). This is huge!
- They are generally all enjoyable to dine with at restaurants. (Have there been meals that are exceptions to this, even recently? YES. But in general!)
- Everyone can swim and bike and ski — for the most part as well as/better than I can.
Is parenting still challenging?
UM YES. But I really love this phase!!
Anyone else have tiny griefs weighing on them or tiny wins to celebrate?
16 Comments
Yes, it is pretty amazing when big kids become ACTUALLY independent! I can think of a couple recent examples/wins:
On Monday, E (16 y/o, almost 17) and 2 friends wanted to go to a waterpark all day. (They’re done with school already.) It’s about an hour from home. He mentioned it to me, I said it was okay, and that was the level of my involvement! Without a word to me, he went online, bought his ticket on the website, packed his stuff, picked up his friends at 9 am, drove there, figured out paying for parking, he and his friends sorted out the $$ (one kid bought everyone McDonald’s for breakfast on the way, Ethan covered the driving + gas, and another kid paid the parking) and presumably they figured out how to get a locker because no one lost anything or got it stolen. They picked a restaurant for dinner on the way home and he got home at 8:30 pm after dropping his friends off. CRAZY!
Another example was A taking himself for a haircut. A while back he researched online and found a barber shop he liked, independently. He schedules his own appts on the website there when he needs a cut and completely manages it. Usually I’d at least drive him, but we were away last week when he had an appt, so he just biked over there (~15 min away), he got his haircut, paid and left a tip and biked home.
This is so well timed for me! Today my fifth grader had his promotion ceremony to middle school and now (after 10 years straight) we will have zero kids in elementary school. It’s a mood, for sure. I am happy for him and his classmates, and all of the growth. But also… sometimes want to cry at what we’re saying good-bye to.
I haven’t hit any grief milestones yet but I am sure they will be coming for me at some point. Although I seem to be less nostalgic than other moms! Must be the T in my ISTJ personality type! I do try to remind myself that things will get easier, at least logistically. It will be nice when I can leave the house to go for a run in the morning while the boys are up and Phil is still in bed. I don’t feel like I can do that yet because the boys can start to fight/wrestle/etc. I was thinking about spring break 2026 and am thinking I will take the boys to DC to visit my sister. Spring Break is always the first week of April and that is a time when my husband absolutely cannot be gone from work. But they will be 5 and 8 next year so it seems like solo travel with them at that age wouldn’t be bad!
Indeed, the older the more independent they are, I get tiny bit of sadness while happy that they are maturing.
Sofia almost prefers her friends over me, so I treasure our solo Sunday biking running time.
Such an interesting reflection. I’m also not a super emotional person about kids growing up, and kids are 7 and 4, so no tiny griefs weighing on me yet, but when Owen goes to school next year I think I’ll feel it, that there are truly no toddlers/preschoolers left in the house.
A few tiny wins: I can leave almost 8 year old Eleanor at home for 20 minutes watching TV while I go to pick up Owen from preschool (we live in a very safe neighbourhood so I feel comfortable with this). Not having to bring her with me for every little errand is a tiny win for sure.
Having Eleanor be able to change the TV for her and her brother, and make them sandwiches if they want a snack. Being able to leave the house just without needing a stroller and bag full of stuff is amazing! I just bring water bottles, and a change of clothes for Owen which is rarely needed anyway. Winning!
I was nodding to basically everything (except the shoe size – my daughter has TINY feet and mine are giant flippers).
I love, love, love being able to leave her home in charge. She walks to friends, pays for treats when out with friends, coordinates rides.
My kids are often still awake when I go to bed. How quickly things change. It’s all rather bizarre how quickly some levels of independence seem to leapfrog.
I hated staying for kids parties (and hated having parents stay for my kids parties). I’m a HUGE fan of the drop off.
The dropoff party is the best. I’m an intensely sociable person but that’s not my best environment. A does the non dropoff parties, because he likes to be helpful.
T has flippers, we’ve had to switch our sock strategy because A can’t tell ours apart. Now only pink socks for me.
Great reflections! I sort of hated staying for parties, but… I am an introvert and as my kids got older life got a lot lonelier because my work is not social by nature, and I was not intentional enough about replacing those social connections, especially as the kids also dropped sports and started driving themselves to other school events!
T is a bit older than G, and I feel like I enjoy each age and stage more than the last. Bigger kid but pre teen parenting feels like the sweet spot. More and more independent (although T has similar sock troubles) but still wants to hang out with me. Yesterday, a library holds came through and we went to a cafe and sat and read our respective books. We don’t do well child visits in the UK so we don’t get those regular updates on height, I’m 5’7 and suspect he’ll be taller than me before high school (12 here)
My daughter inherited all my running shoes I bought when I had plantar fasciitis but made it worse. I’m just happy she didn’t think they were ugly! She’s like 1/2 inch shorter than me and not done growing yet, so we’ll see where she ends up.
Loved reading this list. Regarding shoe size / height: wait until you become the receiver of hand-me downs from your kids. I ended up with some really cool Veja trainers that I wouldn’t have bought for myself, but that I am very happy to wear 😉
This made me feel better that I almost burst into tears the other night at the thought of my son not attending our beloved preschool for PreK (even though he would be at school with his big sisters, which means one drop-off and pick-up). He’s two. 😅
I get you about mostly loving the milestones! I found out a long time ago that I’m better at big kid parenting than little kid parenting. Talk about bittersweet, though, mine just graduated from high school! She’s planning to attend college a few hours away. I’m so excited to see her spreading those wings, but I sure am going to miss her!
aww congratulations!! that is so bittersweet but also exciting!
So many tiny griefs!!! i’m especially feeling them now that I only have two years left of having a kid at home. But, I agree- it’s REALLY nice when they get older and more independent. The phase you’re in now is great- kind of in between being incredibly needy, and being entirely independent. Enjoy it!!!
I need to do this exercise and listen to this episode. Today is Minnie’s last day of preschool and I am SO SAD. We started at this school ELEVEN YEARS AGO when Coop was 2.