my apologies to cupid

February 14, 2011

hearts + flowers
and all that jazz. to be honest, i’m not really feeling it yet on this valentine’s day. i woke up with puffy eyes thanks to a marathon sob session yesterday evening [thank you, body image issues, TTC-related drama, and perhaps a toxic cocktail of hormones fueling the fire]. some say that a good cry is cathartic, but according to the new york times, it’s actually hit or miss.

i feel like i’m struggling lately in almost every facet of my life and it’s really just starting to wear on me. i think back to just 6 months ago before i started in the lab, when i was still heading out for double-digit long runs and not obsessing over my basal body temperature, and it strikes me that truly, i seemed happier then.

i can’t remember the last time i was relaxed and felt like this:

. . . and i’m not sure how to get back there.

all of the planning in the world won’t fix this.
thoughts on vegan week
7 days of entirely vegan eating — check. while i did have a few random cravings (cottage cheese?!), completing this short-term experiment wasn’t all that difficult. things that surprised me included:

■ i really didn’t miss meat all that much

■ however, i actually started to get tired of nut butter (didn’t think that was possible)

■ with the exception of one day, i didn’t feel any more or less satisfied than i do with my usual omnivore diet

■ i didn’t really feel any healthier, either — in fact, the opposite might have been true because i tended to fill the void with extra snacks/treats:

vegan oatmeal cookie: my ‘reward’ for going grocery shopping yesterday
what the exercise did do for me was to make me more aware of the choices that i sometimes make out of convenience that do not align with my morals. for example, i might order a salad with grilled chicken at a bar, because it’s a healthy and easy option. but without knowing anything about where the meat comes from, it’s likely that i’m directly supporting the practices that upset me so much in food inc.

while i have no intentions of becoming vegan (or vegetarian), i would like to be a lot more mindful of the sources when i do choose to eat animal products.

although hopefully not to this extreme . . . 🙂
in most restaurants, i feel like seafood or (sustainable) fish is probably often the best option — even preferable to ‘vegetarian’ choice which may be filled with dairy or eggs of dubious origins.

i also gained more respect for vegans following their hearts and sticking to principles that are important to them. because while i did make some really mouthwatering creations (the dinner party menu + this sushi bowl were my favorites), i do think that it is a sacrifice . . . one that i am not strong enough to make. furthermore, i don’t think humans NEED meat/dairy/eggs to be healthy, but for me, i think it is easier to eat a healthier diet when i include these things.

as for josh? well, he didn’t complain when i cooked the past week’s vegan dinners, but based on his lunch choice yesterday, i don’t think he’ll be jumping on the v-wagon any time soon:

sigh. michael pollan would NOT approve.
buying some happiness?
while yesterday’s clothes shopping trip ended up being a bit of a downer (NOT because of the company – thank you so much for coming, lacey!), i did indulge in one purchase that i’m excited about:

5th gen ipod nano — purchased from ebay!
sorry, atilla – i’m still not ready to commit to an iPhone! i thought about the new model (see below), but ended up choosing the 5th gen instead because i like the old-school metal casing and i wanted the video capabilities.

plus i was worried about the effects of copious sweat on this touch screen!


workout: 75 minute yoga class @ blue point (yep, two in one weekend! i’m back to it!)

vegan dinner #7
after experiencing the deliciousness of mama pea‘s peanut butter and chocolate bars, i was excited about these black bean burgers.

i’m happy to report that they did live up to my high expectations! soft and a bit spicy, i thought these were delicious. some mashed avocado probably would have been a great addition to this burger, though we were all out.

(to anyone wondering: i ended up leaving out the worcestershire in favor of some nayonnaise + ketchup added to the mix!)


  • Reply Larissa March 10, 2019 at 7:22 pm

    aw ! im so sorry to hear about your recent trouble. i totoally understand- i may not be in your shoes, but i struggle with my weight day in and out and accepting myself for it,… i am by no means large and i know this, but with a sedentary lie style of med school ( plus i have to commute 1 an hour each way) i often find i have no time or energy left to workout, or when i do i feel guilty i am not studying espec. since i enjoy spending the weekends with my boyfriend not cracking the books. I often refer to the saying " and like most things this too shall pass" it may seem awful to wish things to pass by instead of really taking it in, but it makes me feel better! best of luck with everything! and at least today, on valentines day you got to see someone you love!

  • Reply Lee Becknell March 10, 2019 at 7:22 pm

    I don’t really have any helpful advice, but I’m sorry you’re feeling down lately. Also, I have that same ipod, but in blue.

  • Reply Sarah M March 10, 2019 at 7:22 pm

    Sarah – I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling so shitty. I don’t have anything particularly insightful to say, just that I’m thinking of you and sending you positive vibes.

  • Reply megan March 10, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    Sending good thoughts your way! I can relate to hormones turning me into a complete mess, and I’m not even TTC. During Christmas eve dinner this past year at my in-laws, I burst into tears at the table only because I was feeling hyper-sensitive to everything and overreacted to a harmless comment. It happens! Sometimes you just need to let the tears flow 🙂

  • Reply @CPrincessUK March 10, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    sending some positive vibes from across the pond. I dont think you should ignore those feelings. You were right to have a good cry and let it all out! This bad time will pass but it feels like you are trapped when you are in the midst of it. remember that you are dealing with a lot of change all at one time, change to your workouts, your eating patterns, work, etc and change is hard to cope with!
    lately I have been feeling quite overwhelmed regarding work. of course mainly due to the fact that i lack patience (and that I am doing 2 jobs in one!) so saturday I cancelled everything and did nothing. I slept ALL day and vegetated! Then I wrote some cheery silly blog posts which made me smile! I decided to take my workload one day at a time and stop worrying about everything as I do not have to do everything ALL AT ONCE!!!
    take care lovely 🙂 I am thinking of you……

  • Reply Caitlin March 10, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    I wish I had something to add, something that would be a lightning-bolt solution. Then again, if I did, maybe I wouldn’t have felt as crappy as I have the past few months. And I don’t even have the TTC thing hanging over me! All I can do is take things day by day, and offer you a hug next time I see you 🙂 Happy thoughts, hon!

  • Reply Chelseaemyers March 10, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    Nothing insightful to add either, but hopefully knowing that your body is responding positively to the changes you’ve made will help you get through this weird in-between time. I’m a huge believer in the healing power of a good cry, though. For me it feels like I’ve released a ton of toxic buildup, and even though my situation hasn’t changed the next day, my whole body feels lighter and more relaxed. Sending you positive vibes.

  • Reply anon March 10, 2019 at 7:24 pm

    So sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. Then again, it is totally understandable~lifestyle changes, hoping so desperately for something out of your control, and feeling out of your element in day-to-day tasks. Perhaps happiness is overrated? (” target=”_blank”>” target=”_blank”>( I haven’t read this yet but am looking forward to doing so.

    Take care.

  • Reply loreejo March 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    Hang in there Sarah! Stress has a way of making me so "single focussed" on the stressor. Baugh! The hardest thing for me is taking each day moment by moment, feelings come and feelings go and that’s okay…as long as I don’t grab onto one of them and hold on (I’m usually tempted more by the "off" feelings, doesn’t make sense to me!) I don’t like giving feelings so much control in my life. You’re doing better than you think you are! You’re trying new things, despite having lots of new things on your plate already! I loved reading about your foray into veganism…you made it look really easy! I think my fave pic of 2011 is this one of Josh! What a devilish grin over that fast food burger! he he he

  • Reply anon March 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    So sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. Then again, it is totally understandable~lifestyle changes, hoping so desperately for something out of your control, and feeling out of your element in day-to-day tasks. Perhaps happiness is overrated? (” target=”_blank”>” target=”_blank”>( I haven’t read this yet but am looking forward to doing so.

  • Reply Jess March 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    I enjoyed your vegan experiment, but I am more inspired when you talk about being a responsible omnivore and being mindful of the sources. I know I don’t want to be vegan, but I want to be more responsible in my food consumption.

    Hope you feel better!

  • Reply Jenny March 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    I am sorry you feel so sad. You look great, still very thin and atheltic. Nobody but you can see a difference in your weight! But it seems you are putting an awful lot of focus and energy into that issue, and that makes me sad to see. Do you think maybe it would be helpful to see somebody about that? Just to help you accept your body and feel better about yourself? Sometimes it helps to get an outsider’s perspective… Hugs!

  • Reply bumpenvy March 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    sarah, i totally get how you feel. TTC, clinical + research duties, married life, ect….it’s a lot & sometimes its good to have a meltdown and cry it out! that tends to happen for me post-call. as far as body image, i think its something we all struggle with. while i’m okay with no longer a size 0, i’m stuggling with my current size 4 frame. hang in there. it’ll get better!

  • Reply KathEats March 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    Sorry about your hormones S 🙁

    But that video is freakin’ hilarious!

  • Reply Atilla March 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    the ipod looks great and i forgot about it as a video player. Happy Vday

  • Reply Priyanka March 10, 2019 at 7:23 pm

    Sarah, I am so sorry you feel like this and I really hope that things start going your way soon.

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