Q4 2024
Well. I knew this year would be hard, but I am not sure I knew how hard. It has all been doable, but . . . barely. And definitely at the expense of sleep and possibly some of my sanity.
I don’t have a grand sweeping ‘answer’ to all of this, but I just want to take the time to acknowledge how wild these past couple of months have felt. And it’s not all bad stuff! The 2 big kids are thriving in their activities, which happen to be late (hence the sleep issue) — a kid comes home at 9 pm 4/5 weeknights, though a carpool has helped dull some of this pain.
There have been such immense highs (such as this Sunday!) and but we’ve also dealt with some really tough times — the challenges of August/Sept and now some new (THANKFULLY) unrelated things. The kids are in separate schools for the first time in 3 years. I have been writing my book and marathon training. I have been scrolling and not reading. I have felt elated and defeated and everything in between.
ALL OF THIS in Q4, 2024.
Just . . . yeah. Wow.
A List of Things Currently Stressing Me Out:
1- I have 1.5 jobs. I do. I recognize this. I had ~1 job, but now I have book stuff on top of that and I am THRILLED about that, but also, I have 1.5 jobs. This stress is temporary (because there are due dates) but it is real. I was keeping up with my schedule until ~1 week ago and now I feel concerned because I don’t have much ‘makeup’ time available. I think I am going to have to figure out some way to do a retreat of some kind, even if it’s during the work week (could go to clinic but then stay overnight in a hotel nearby 1-2 nights to gain some interruption-free writing time).
2- School stuff for NEXT academic year. This may happen for one or more kids next year and this is not an easy trivial to-do item. It’s looming over me, as are the logistics that would have to go with such a big change.
3- My bad evening screen habits. I keep writing about it, and I keep not . . . fixing it. (I’m sorry!). This is 100% a stress-induced thing for me, I am recognizing that. But life will never be stress free, and I think it only makes my mental status worse. I will keep at it. Maybe I just need to stop trying to read and lean into TV for a while instead.
4- Parenting is hard, you guys. (Did anyone listen to the Dr. Becky / Jonathan Haidt episode this week? I think there was a lot they got right, AND it did not make me less stressed out.)
5- I have a marathon coming up. Honestly, the logical / rational thing to do would be to stop training. BUT I have less than 8 weeks to go and I just kind of want to knock it out at this point! (And I want to run sub-3:40 so I can feel confident about Boston 2026. This May I ran 3:35 so this is realistic, but I can’t do it without training hard.)
Definitely not asking for solutions here but it did feel good to get all of this out!
33 Comments
No wise advice. Parenting is really hard. I finally realize this year that I need to unsubscribe unfollow and generally not read any parenting advice. It never helps. In fact I always feel worse. Hoping you can navigate through the tough stuff and come out better on the other side
Parenting is HARD. Different stages are hard in different ways. No advice, juse commiseration.
Dr. Becky and Jonathan Heidt are stress-inducing. In the interest of self-preservation I have opted out of reading or listening to both of them and some of their colleagues.
They are so stress inducing. Like I’m never going to be the mum pretending to struggle to zip up their coat to teach their kid that they can do hard things. Instead, I’m going to say “timeout, upstairs…” in response to bad attitudes, and I’m still a great mum, with a loving, warm relationship with my kid.
Me too. I have adopted this approach after the first six months of my child’s life. My oldest was born 11 years ago and other than baby stuff I really haven’t adopted evidence based advice because just because there’s “evidence”.
I get more and more skeptical of all of this evidence based advice for things that are inherently, behavioral and are very much a function of your beliefs and your values and culture. All of this information used to come from our families, friends and religious and community groups until pretty recently. I just don’t believe that the evidence base is measuring things accurately enough and able to really integrate all of the antecedenced that makes us parent a certain way.
Now if somebody’s going dose my child for a medication to treat a diagnosed problem, then I want it to be informed by clinical trial and I’m going to act on the evidence based results.
ooh super interesting take!! “All of this information used to come from our families, friends and religious and community groups until pretty recently” is so true. I know my parents were not devouring parenting podcasts . . .
I ways think 1. apply “first do no harm” by checking there’s no large population, robust, consensus evidence to the contrary, 2. trust your tribe, you listen and share with them for a reason, who needs the evidence (One day I will get to more systematically reviewing the evidence of this approach as a side project, when the day job and family stuff allows… so maybe 2040! Until them Im winging it and hoping it works out).
I think it sounds more stress inducing than it is if you listen (at least to this particular episode). They don’t advocate for no phones…..just no smart phones until high school. That is way less extreme than I thought they were going to be. It doesn’t seem like a huge deal to give your kid a dumb phone until 9th grade.
Count me among the people who cannot stomach Dr. Becky’s advice. It feels very fake and ramps up my anxiety a ton. IDK, some of her recommendations are just way too soft for my kids and for our personalities in general.
I also opted out of the Dr. Becky/Heidt podcast. I used to listen to Dr. Becky quite a bit but has basically stopped listening to parenting content. It makes me feel more stressed out. I am sure there are things we could do differently/better but I don’t have the will/capacity to think about it. And the tech stuff feels far off for us since our kids are almost-4 and 6 so I’m pushing it off until it’s a more pressing issue to think through.
It’s tough to feel like you have more on your plate than you can manage at the moment. Writing a book is such a BIG deal so I can see how that is a major source of stress for you. You can do it, though. If you can swing some retreats, even if it’s just mid-week, that seems like a wise idea!
lol I just said to my work friend this morning “why didn’t anyone tell me that parenting was so hard?”
I don’t usually find Dr. Becky all that helpful but will give the episode a listen. While The Anxious Gen is stressful I’m grateful that it’s out there. My kids’ school went phone free this year and I think it’s really impacting how a lot of parents at the school plan to navigate phones/social media. It also gave me the confidence as a medical provider to provide my patients who are experiencing anxiety and their parents advice on limiting phone and social media use.
I remember going back to work after my first maternity leave and one of my managers basically saying “It only gets harder as they get older!” Her kids were probably in middle school then, but I was so offended. I was back at work in clothes that didn’t feel well, pumping in conference rooms at a client multiple times a day, feeling emotional about leaving my teeny tiny baby at daycare, etc. I won’t say she was right because I don’t think it gets harder. That’s too depressing. I just think every stage is the hardest stage. You haven’t done it before so it’s hard. Period. I’m dealing with some really stressful medical and behavioral/educational stuff with one of mine and I never would could have imagined how hard it would be.
I actually think pumping and toddler life for me, personally, was still harder. (Just bc of my personality and some very obsessive hangups I had around nursing and maybe some biochemical stuff w the hormones). I kind of think her comment was … not helpful! (You probably would not say that to someone and I definitely would not!).
However 100% agree this is also really hard! Maybe they are not even comparable bc it’s sooooooo different!
I think you are right that every stage can be hard. My oldest is 18 and on another continent for college. He is doing really well and clearly I am not doing hands on parenting, but I still feel like it is hard. If someone would have told me when I had a newborn that I would still think this parenting thing is hard after my kid is a legal adult, I think I would have just melted into a puddle and never gotten back up. But, yeah, every stage is new and no one knows what they are doing.
I really hate those ‘just wait’ kind of comments. How is that helpful? My oldest is 6.5 so I am still new to parenting but toddlers are the hardest stage for me so far. I know they say ‘big kids, big problems’ but at least you’re sleeping through the night and the older kid stages are not as physically exhausting.
I remember a couple of years ago, a colleague announced that him and his wife were expecting on a team call and one of my male colleagues went on and on and on about how hard his life was going to be and how litttle he would sleep, etc etc. I messaged him after and told him to block out the negativity and to enjoy all the snuggles and the gift of being a parent. I noticed the same dynamic when I got married. People were quick to chime in with negative comments about marriage. I guess people just want to complain or something? But what a sad way to approach life. I keep my mouth shut about the challenges of the toddler stage because maybe their child will be an easy toddler or maybe they are better suited to parent toddlers and won’t struggle like I have. It’s not my job to be the negative dooms day person!
I agree- that is not helpful and not true in my case! The early months with my colicky baby who screamed for hours and never slept were basically torture. That was the hardest, followed by a year each for in the 4-6 age range when each got a big diagnosis. I am sure there’s more tough parts ahead but I have really really enjoyed the elementary school years. They don’t feel that hard- just a bit busy.
I made my yoga teacher cry once because she announced she was pregnant and everyone told her how she wouldn’t sleep, it would be awful. And I said “Babies are the best, there’s nothing better than a baby snuggled up against you…”
Like my kid didn’t sleep til he was 2, so it wasn’t all sunshine and roses, but you have to have some hope of something positive.
Yes, every stage IS hard! And some people have it much harder than others for a variety of reasons. Like when people who have a baby or toddler think that once their child is in school they will have so much more time. Well, they might… but they might still have to plan everything around the school schedule and have activities late into the evening. Or their child might develop a medical problem requiring intensive therapy and regular doctor visits. Maybe this is a reason to take it easy on yourself if you’re having a hard time, but also to push ahead through challenging times because it may not be easier later on, and sometimes you have to seize the day.
yes so true. The path is so unpredictable. (I guess life is too but kids just add more variables!!!)
Parenting is hard af. I vacillate between being so proud and hopeful for my daughter and being terrified for her future. Maybe this is normal for this stage of life? And next week my husband is out of town for work, I’m on call followed by two full OR days and a 6:30 am lecture on Tuesday (barf), D has Halloween, and we have dog school 3 nights (it’s not always like that). It’s going to be a lot and I am tired just thinking about it.
If it helps to hear this… I did three things recently to improve my life because of you: 1) I deleted Reddit from my phone (facebook and instagram were gone looooong ago), and 2) I figured out I’ve read 26 books so far this year (not including like 6 I DNF), and 3) I am planning my weeks better (helps me figure out what a realistic amount of work to get done is so I feel less bad about myself when less of it gets done than I want). Right now I am trying hard to appreciate this time of year in MI — we are about to have leaf-drop and the trees are breathtakingly beautiful. I am promising myself to do at least one nature walk through Bird Hills before that happens. Also trying to put one foot in front of the other for the research stuff.
I appreciate your commiseration on the topic! It makes me feel less alone. 🙂
Believe it or not, you’re doing it. This is what that feels like. Keep kicking ass.
PS I started Horse and it is excellent. You should read it.
Awwwww thank you. It means a lot! I delete Reddit daily … unfortunately have been reinstalling nightly. This is a recent thing and it’s so bad!!! I am glad I am not drawn to other substances like this!!
(I am usually better at following my own advice. lol. But really!)
Gosh, I so relate to this today. My household has had a very difficult Autumn 2024, maybe the hardest season we’ve had since becoming parents 11 years ago? My 6th grade son has had a terrible transition to middle school academically and is failing multiple classes, refusing to do any work, and beset with anxiety–we are trying to address the anxiety, help him do homework, and just generally manage the whole thing without melting down at each other and our son (plus our daughter, who is actually doing great, just some normal tween stuff). My husband is on week 4 of a nasty case of shingles and is in constant pain and getting little sleep. And a few other things. It’s rough! I keep telling myself this season won’t last forever but everything is very much in one-day-at-a-time mode right now, and it doesn’t feel like we have a lot to look forward to in the next few months.
gahhh that sounds so hard!!! sending hugs. I hope the next season brings more peace!! (For all of us!!!)
Hope this book writing period is not-too-long, one task at the time, the future is bright! 🙂
having kids in different school is really complicated, even for us, same school, two campuses require a semi-full time driver (husband). Hang in there, December break is in the horizon.
oh the marathon… maybe give yourself the flexibility to pull out, that frees up the pressure. It’s a good-to-have, not must, right?
Yes. Parenting is not hard. You have A LOT on your plate. Mostly by choice, but there’s not a lot of actual leisure….as you’ve turned things you love into BIG PROJECTS. Marathon, book writing. Scrolling seems like a response to such “optimization”? I’m also in a season of minimal reading. I read for a living and work is beyond a lot write now. So TV it is….
Big hug, Sarah.
PARENTING IS HARD. Sorry! Phone typing
Yeah. I 100% see that. (Running still feels somewhat leisurely, esp on non workout days, but writing and blogging and speaking is definitely a job / project!).
Also… I read recently there are seven different kinds of rest. This has been useful for me to figure out what I need on a given day
ooh I need to look this up. I feel like I’ve heard it before but I obviously need to review!!!
Well, I would say you already had 1.5 jobs (because taking care of your kids counts as a job) and now you have even MORE, because you’re writing a book. It is definitely a lot. I remember when my kids were little, people would say “little kids, little problems… big kids, big problems.” And I HATED that! But now I see what they mean. I’m wondering what your school stress is for next year. Both my kids asked if they could go to Dreyfoos (the performing arts high school in Palm Beach) and I said NO, because it would have been a logistical nightmare. But, our high school (which, by the way is about three miles from our house) has an excellent music program so I felt justified. If our school had a crappy music program I might have entertained the possibility of them going to a different school.
I would echo Coco that the marathon isn’t an absolute MUST. But you’re obviously going to keep running anyway, and this is the marathon you missed last year so you probably want to do it.
A book-writing retreat sounds amazing if you can pull it off!
I get all of this! I REALLY want to sign up for a spring marathon. My friends are doing it. I usually do a marathon in the spring. But looking forward I know its just not the right time. I have other things I need to focus on with work and family. Its hard though because I want to do it all. I was thinking that I would sign up and then just not train as hard if I can’t fit it in, but realistically that is not my personality. I will struggle with not checking off the workouts, force myself to do it, then other areas of my life that need to be a priority will not be and I’ll be stressed and tired. I feel like time is passing by so quick and I’m running out of time to do all the things I want to do!
+1 to all the other wonderful comments, but I would also add that you don’t have to choose between running 60-70mpw to get ready for Jacksonville and not training at all. It seems like you’ve cut back a little bit, but I’m guessing you can get 95% as much out of peaking at 50mpw and it might make you feel much more human.
see I don’t think I can BQ peaking at mid-50s. And I’d just soooo rather get it out of my system now and be done (I know if I miss I’ll be tempted to try again in the spring and I really don’t want to WANT to do that, if that makes sense!) Maybe I’m wrong but I think those 3 x 70 mi weeks were so key for me last time. I am probably going to do it again. YES to sticking with ~55ish before that little block of craziness, though.
I know I am reading this late, so maybe you have already solved the scrolling “problem.” But in case you haven’t, or it crops up again as these things do, I think this sentence really stuck out to me: “Maybe I just need to stop trying to read and lean into TV for a while instead.” Yes, this! I think if you see your leisure choices as scrolling reddit or reading an actual book, it is easier to fall into scrolling when you are tired or stressed or both. But if you expand the choices, I bet you could find one that doesn’t make you feel as bad as scrolling seems to, but that is still “easier” for you to choose. Some ideas would be watching a show like you identified, or even just a few youtube videos if a whole show seems like too much of a commitment. Sometimes I don’t have a half hour or don’t want to decide what series/show to commit to, but a quick youtube video is fun and fits the bill. Some other things I do are read blogs on feedly, flip through a magazine, listen to music or a podcast while looking through old photos or playing solitaire or another phone game, or even nap/close my eyes for a few minutes (set a timer if you need to). It seems like your brain and body are looking for a type of rest that is pretty passive, doesn’t require a lot of movement or talking or thinking, so finding some other options that fit those requirements might work! Good luck!