Thank you for your voices of support and commiseration yesterday. I did feel sad. I spent some time wallowing in it yesterday, and also some time reflecting.
And thankfully, today I am feeling better. Have I reached “acceptance”? Who knows? Maybe by Thursday I’ll have another crying jag. But maybe not.
On my reflection (and analysis of the dreams I keep having which involve residency-type clinical care situations — last night in my dreamworld I was rounding on an endless stream of plastic surgery patients). I think so much of it is related to a perceived loss of autonomy and control.
BUT, in a way this is also an illusion. No one can force me to do anything. I believe there are many ways in which I can remain valuable to the healthcare system, none of which involve surgical rounds. And at the end of the day, I have control over my actions and destiny. I could resign (NOT planning on doing this, but it’s important to remember that no one is holding a gun to my head making me continue on my career trajectory). And you know what? I am even pretty confident that my career trajectory will be fine. I have a valuable skill set that isn’t going anywhere no matter what happens during this pandemic.
Then there’s the flip side. In contrast to my own actions and behaviors, I do not control outside events. Even if I “felt” in control before, this pandemic is a reminder that this was an illusion, too. I certainly didn’t write “COVID-19” in my planner and cross off all of the in-person events, but it still happened.
All that said, there are things that I do have control over. So many small choices in how I spend my days. Choices on which routines I want to focus on, and which projects I want to devote free moments too. Even choices about what to read and which workouts to do! Or how I structure my work days when I am working from home.
I woke up today determined to focus on the things I can control. I cannot dwell on when life will return to some form of normal. I CAN try to make the best of this time, which is sure to be memorable for decades to come.
Some goals for April:
Develop effective workday rituals for this new mostly-work-from-home era.
Daily habits/self-care (listed above). I need these anchors now more than ever!
BETTER screen hygiene. I let mindless scrolling/refreshing get completely out of hand in March. I am going to reign it in.
Tomorrow I will review Q1’s goals. Some of them were met. Others now sound ridiculous! Stay tuned . . .