After I hit “publish” yesterday and decided not to do anything more of substance, I ended up in an enormous funk. I need to admit this lest anyone think I am happily zenning my way through life right now. I really was feeling upbeat as I wrote the post, but things went quickly downhill after that.
As it turns out, maybe doing nothing is not quite the right activity for me right now. I spent hours scrutinizing my own medical records (like, I was double checking my right ventricular diastolic index math, like “maybe they calculated wrong”) and scrolling through a condition-related Facebook group (yes, I opened a new FB account that follows no one so I could just see only this group — which honestly I think has been helpful, but there was no need to just scroll it an hour reading a bunch of worst-case-scenario stories).
So, it turns out probably I need to do less Nothing and more Somethings, with some of those Somethings being restful/relaxing Somethings.
Like, reading this book:
Also, watching The Pitt. Josh and I are watching it together (so can’t really binge it, but enjoying an episode before going to sleep). What a great distraction!!! Did anyone else with peds training quickly diagnose the crying 5 month old? (I guess I am still gloating about it, lol.)
AND I walked outside. For like 20 minutes. Not quickly. I haven’t seen this as forbidden anywhere and it’s nice to be outside, so I will probably do that again.
Next week I will have even less time to wallow, but I think this will be an overall positive thing. We will see how I handle seeing patients (I hope it feels . . . normal?) and getting further into my normal routines.
Market Day #4
(And possibly last, depending on what G does for school when she is older.)
Such a cool tradition! I think it actually started during A’s 4th grade year, so we’ve been at every Market Day. Each kid does an entrepreneurial project and the proceeds largely go to charities selected by the class. This year C made 3D printed fidgets/toys to sell, and he did the bulk of the work himself.
His teachers got smart and held this event earlier in the year so the weather was gorgeous instead of the usual sweltering.
Happy I was able to come and see him in his element. I am looking forward to seeing what G comes home with (her class gets to “shop” the market independently this year!).
Okay. Off to do more Somethings. I might even venture to the tailor to get my pants hemmed – adventure!
23 Comments
Oh Market Day looks lovely! I’ve not had an emergency medical event like that, but I’ve got lupus which can level me at times. And I second that doing something is definitely better than doing nothing. Sometimes I’m really knocked out and I wallow, and watch TV or scroll and while the first day is restorative, it’s downhill from there… I wonder if a phone call, or something to do with your hands might be helpful.
I DIAGNOSED THAT BABY based on years of internet mom message boards
Hahahahaha love it
Those are very professional looking! Nice job C!
Yes — keeping yourself busy and engaged is likely key. That has been my strategy whenever I’ve gone through very stressful, survival-mode, life-changing seasons. It’s great that you’ve recognized that “taking it easy” does not have to mean literally sitting there doing nothing.
I haven’t watched The Pitt yet. Do you recommend it? Did the baby’s cry sound like a cat? If so, this genetic counselor can diagnose it!
Nope 🙂 but I had a patient with that for many years! I think she aged out, though.
Ooooh I am many MANY years out from grad school, working 15+ years on just one disease, and most definitely could not pass my boards today – but I could totally diagnose a cat cry and still name the chromosome! (also now I want to watch The Pitt and also hi to another GC!)
Right!? We had that one drilled into us.
Market Day seems very fun! We don’t have a 3D printer so my kids are suckers for buying 3D printed doodads.
I really feel for you, Sarah. You seem to me to be a person who is always doing and going, and it must be really hard with this forced stillness and pain. I’m glad you can find things to do to keep yourself engaged.
I also think it makes sense to make 3D printed fidgets/toys to sell where the proceeds largely go to charities.
I listened to this week’s BOBW episode, and realized 2 things.
1. I agree that planning makes things happen, and The Event this March is exactly how we can see how important it is to record each BOBW episode ahead of time. Without planning, there will not be a BOBW podcast, and the BOBW podcast will definitely not progress to the 400th episode that we’re getting close to right now.
2. And no, I don’t think there are martyrdom olympics or suck olympics either.
Great that you realized quickly what doesn’t work for you. I would be doing exactly the same, reading all technical details of my condition and worst cases, which is not helpful at this moment. Reading a book that looks light by the cover is a great idea.
In really challenging points in my life, I have given myself permission to use a journal to vent, spew, wail, criticize with abandon every little thing that is bothering me, whether it’s justified or not. I tend to keep my game face on most of the time, and sometimes I just need a place to be real, and even petty. Dunno if that’s healthy or if it would work for others, but it helps me process all the negative and let go of what’s not useful or constructive. The key is it’s okay if I will be embarrassed to read it later and think, sheesh that chick needs to get a grip on herself. Then when I’m done, I knit. A LOT.
I think when you are dealing with something hard, it is very hard to ‘stand still’. All of your thoughts and anxiety catches up with you when you are still. So it is probably better to be a bit busier until you are prepared to fully process things (with the help of a therapist!). ❤️
Will have to watch the Pitt. We are watching adolescence and it is sooooo good. Was super proud of myself for diagnosing neurofibromatosis in Covenant of Water. 🙂
Personally, I find working to be a necessary evil to keep me from thinking about things too much. Especially seeing patients. Maybe you’ll feel that way too when you go back to work next week? Crossing my fingers you do!!
I think I will!! I am looking forward to it, honestly.
This is a great point re: work. Keeps you occupied, busy, and feeling competent. Even if you don’t love your job or love being there, it can provide a place of stability when everything else in your life feels chaotic.
Your fashion fairy godmother is here with a vote for the tailor, haha! To quote Laura, your later self will thank you!
Sarah, I know you are going through something tremendously unexpected (and unwanted), but thank you for showing up here and being honest. I am sure your journey is helping someone else out there navigate a similarly challenging transition.
All that said – sometimes we need to wallow and sometimes we need to get up and take action. For me, it always takes a combination of the two. It makes me think of Nicole/Allison’s line: There will be a time after this. It doesn’t make the current time easier, but it helps shift my perspective ever so slightly to the fact that yes, there will be a time where this doesn’t feel as raw or new or uncertain. SENDING SO MANY HUGS.
I am curious – did you go to the tailor??
YES! I didn’t bring the dress because I didn’t want to do a try on with my Holter on (that one is temporary and it’s smack in the middle of my chest) but I brought 2 pairs of jeans and the Vuori pants! Bonus was discovering a new highly rated tailor that’s really close to my house 🙂
Oh yes, I know how a little pleasant wallowing can spiral out of control. Usually, the key to getting out of a funk isn’t just giving yourself a pep talk or counting your blessings, but taking some kind of action. You’re still in a transitional phase- after a bit you’ll be in a new routine of yoga/pilates/singing (ha ha- I like Laura’s suggestions from the podcast, yes maybe you should take up the violin again!). You definitely seem like someone who’s happier with a routine and keeping fairly busy.
I want to see how those Vuori pants look on you! They look really cute on the website.
I am happier when busy. I’d like to feel less rushed (I feel like health wise this might be a good call) but I am absolutely happy while doing . . . stuff. Often stuff out in the world with people.