Limbo Season
As Brooke S. aptly put it yesterday in the comments, this is Limbo Time. I think it’s probably best to just make peace with things being a bit loose and indefinite for the time being.
I do feel a bit better with respect to the logistics overwhelm, which I attribute to a) Josh going through our schedules with me (mine / his / family) week by week and b) clearing out my inbox.
In our schedule review, we started off doing it because we needed to figure out when it made sense for him to take call (his group’s Apr – Jun schedule needed to be made, and I was getting anxious about it). But then we also went through everything scheduled in the next few months, asking the question of “do I really want to do this, if the goal is for things to be more low key for a while”? Admittedly, my answer was usually: “Yes, I do want to do that.” Because I do!
That said, I’m willing to hold these future plans more loosely right now, with the idea that I’ll do them assuming I feel up for it as they get closer. This is a different stance than the one I am used to, but it will work for now. The tangible manifestation of this attitude: I put a lot of things in my planner with sticky notes instead of pen! I think I did the same in 2020. Who new pandemic coping strategies would come in so handy?
Re: the inbox, I stand by my decree that an unknown “pit of ill-defined stuff” is often so much more stressful than what is actually IN there.
Materialistic Happy Things
My pedicure is done and I don’t have to worry about my toes getting messed up from slightly-too-tight AlphaFly 3s . . .
I used a gift card (one of my college BFFs) to get some Vuori joggers in wide leg and I loooove them (though I have to hem them even though they are “short length”, lol).
I feel like these are the perfect lounge / airport / “I don’t feel like wearing real pants” pants for me. Going to the tailor will also be great because I have accumulated several items that need shortening. I *hate* going but love when I come back with a bunch of new clothing that is suddenly wearable all at once.
I am also (sort of) coming to terms with how the ICD looks. I don’t love it but it’s not that obvious in t-shirts or regular shirts (I don’t really wear super tight shirts anyway . . .) and I don’t think it will be obvious in scrubs either. It might be a little funky in dresses, I will have to see (note to self to try on the dress I was going to have altered because this might not be worthwhile if it looks crazy). And in workout wear — well, if anyone notices it, I guess whatever. I can point to it if an instructor ever berates me for not pushing hard enough, ha.
I did my first solo school drop-off in weeks and then spent a while this morning recording a podcast and a bunch of ads. I think I am going to consider myself done with anything else productive today. I had “draft newsletter” on the docket but that can be tomorrow’s main activity. I guess if nothing else I will be learning to better pace myself.
12 Comments
Another flexible and aesthetically pleasing solution for your planner is washi tape! I got the idea to use that on our calendar to mark off my work trips. Previously, I would write them in, but sometimes the dates can shift and I hated how messy it looked! Now it’s a trip shifts two different week or gets lengthened or extended, I can easily pull it off the calendar or add it or subtract a day from the trip!
I bet the ICD is less noticeable to others than it is to you! People are less likely to notice little details that we focus on because we know they’re there. People notice less than we think they will! But I hope you’ll get to a point where you’re less self-conscious about it!
I was going to say the same thing as Lisa. I bet the ICD is not that noticeable to others. Also it hasn’t been in there that long. I bet there is still some swelling that will come down yet. You may not really know what it will look like long term for awhile.
Hi Sarah, another first-time commenter sending you best wishes as you navigate the challenges of Limbo Time and beyond – I hope you are giving yourself LOTS of grace! I am so glad you are OK after this super-scary event, and appreciate how you’re keeping it real. May your healing progress apace. <3
Wow, those pants ARE cute! I actually went to the website but decided they wouldn’t look good on me (for various figure-related reasons) but I think they’ll be perfect for you.
In general, I think we could all be a little less rigid in our planning (at least, in certain areas.) Instead of stressing about “how will I feel in three months?” and “am I going to be up for this?” we can just know that, when the time gets nearer, the answer will be clear.
I’ll echo what other commenters have said- I’ll bet the ICD is less noticeable to others than it is to you, and you’ll be less self-conscious about it as time goes on. Wear whatever you want (of course- you have to feel comfortable in whatever it is you’re wearing, so…) <3
Hey there. Thanks for keeping us updated. It’s good to know how you’re doing, as we’re thinking of you a ton! So glad you got a pedicure AND an amazing new pair of comfy pants! Woot! Right now I think the little bright spots need to be celebrated.
It is great to see you working through this, and especially that you are giving yourself grace and being flexible!
I hope you will feel more confident about the ICD showing eventually. I had to get hearing aids in my late 20s and was so worried about what people would think. But a) barely anyone ever notices and b) now I am a lot more comfortable with my hearing loss so I got bright blue ones last year when I was due for an upgrade. Cochlear implant is most likely in my future (maybe in about a year?) and that will definitely be more noticeable but it will also be a sign to people that I really do have difficulty understanding speech! And wow isn’t it amazing that these medical devices can help us?! Implanted devices weren’t the dream for either of us I’m sure (and I am still TERRIFIED of the surgery), but there are a lot of upsides. Keep hanging in there <3
Here is a loosely held plan: I will get some Aimee Mann tickets. If you show up to Durham, contact me and we’ll go. I am ACLS certified :). And I know the way to the Duke ER. If you don’t show up, I’ll take my Orange Theory instructor, who owes me for bailing on Ani DiFranco last Friday. Win-win!
I had to google to see what an ICD looks like, and I say what everyone else is saying – you will be the only one who notices it. With that said, I can also see how it would be a HUGE adjustment to get one.
Silver lining on the pedicure! And I might just have to get a pair of those pants for myself.
Limbo for now, and it’s fun to think about which post it notes will transfer to the page.
Sarah I can so very much relate to how you are feeling…. And your perspective is inspiring. I have had a back injury since December and have pretty much been wallowing about all the things I can’t do (run, walk, move?!?) I love how you are finding bright spots. I just ordered some cute lounge wear and have become willing to at least start thinking about things I can do. Thank you for being you!!
YES for embracing what does work. And for cute lounge wear . . . I love how cute and matching loungewear is now a thing and I hope this trend is here forever!
Limbo time is hard, but I guess there’s nothing to do but try to roll with it. I do hope you can continue to do the things you want to do… and I agree with others, I am sure the ICD is less noticeable to others than you think but I understand that you ‘worry’ about it or that it’s something you think about when you wear clothing.
Man, I understand the feeling of pants that are labeled as “petite” or “short” but STILL being too long. I have the same problem. Getting them hemmed (+ some others) is a great idea!
Like others have said, I think we notice things about ourselves way more than others do. You may think the ICD is very noticeable – and that’s because it’s on your body and you have to get used to having it there. But most people are too busy thinking about what THEY look like to be bothered by you. <3 But I totally understand wanting to feel comfortable in your body.