Fighting the good fight against sundowning
“Sundowning” is a term used in medicine when those with dementia (or delirium) tend to worsen when the sun goes down, and at least one commenter brought it up after my AM/PM post. I definitely noticed it when I was the hospital – not personally, but hearing (sad!) voices around me often crying out in the evening/overnight (note: this was mostly an CCU thing, and various level of delirium are really common in the ICU, so that makes sense. I was so relieved to move to a regular floor after two nights!).
ANYWAY. I am not experiencing that form of sundowning, which is good. But a lot of (negative) feelings seem to hit with force at the end of the day (this was entirely interrupted by our little vacation, and then returned pretty much immediately). I am not really fighting them. Yesterday I just cried a little bit and it was fine. Maybe even good.
STILL. I would like to continue to try to work on getting out of this pattern. Here is a slightly ridiculous list of things I could consider doing when I feel the urge to just lie around feeling bad or resentful or apathetic about everything.
IDEAS:
- Do a restorative or yin yoga session
- Work on pre-planning for a future trip even if it doesn’t seem like I really need to do that yet (Hawaii 2026? theoretical future international adventure? whatever)
- Read (I know, this one is not rocket science but ONCE AGAIN I am 60% through a book I’m “okay” on and I kind of want to finish it but obviously not badly enough to like, pick it up and do that.)
- Watch a session of MasterClass
- Watch a TV show that is just “mine” (not sure what . . . kind of between shows right now. Maybe all of The Good Place?) or with Josh if he is home (the Pitt, or he just started watching A.P. Bio?)
- Take a walk outside (with a kid, or without a kid if it’s post-G-bedtime); the nightly t-storms haven’t started yet, though they probably will soon
- Organize a drawer or one shelf of my closet (this may a bit aspirational and I highly doubt I will ever feel called to do this in the evening, but whatever)
- Spend 30 min curating photos for catchup photobooks (um. Ideally, I need to start from 2022!). Bonus is that would be a way of looking through old memories & videos.
- Bake something for the next morning <– I could see this being kind of fun, honestly. My sister has been raving about this recipe (randomly, I think that food blogger is my mom’s PCP’s daughter? or something to that effect)
- Watch a movie (I don’t have to get up so early to run so really, there is no reason I couldn’t stay up a LITTLE bit late and watch a movie sometimes if I wanted to)
- Watch a few planner-centered YouTube videos to stay fresh on planner-related news (kind of work, but also kind of fun)
- Listen to music and just lean into the feelings a little bit, maybe while journaling/playing with pens
- Piano? I don’t really want formal ‘lessons’ or the pressure to practice but maybe I could work my way through some books and/or work on my Taylor Swift renditions 🙂
(Generally these do not involve leaving the house, because I never know exactly when Josh will get home and also I don’t usually WANT to leave the house post-work/kid-activity-pickup. THAT SAID, it would probably good to plan to leave the house sometimes, such as aiming for Thursday date nights.)
(couple blocks away, my house is not in this pic as we are not on water)
ANOTHER IDEA:
I think I need to track my time for a week because HAVING TO WRITE DOWN “wallow on couch” will probably be a deterrent and also because I need to get some better insight into life’s routines right now. (I advocate doing this for a week each season anyway and have not done it for Q2!)
So, get ready for some DITL posts coming your way (inspired by Elisabeth just a little while ago!).
24 Comments
I recommend The Residence and Mid-Century Modern, if you are looking for a new show. I’m also enjoying Your Friends & Neighbors, only three episodes so far.
Idk if you’re into these kinds of shows, but I have really loved the documentaries / reality shows that follow different athletes / sports — Drive to Survive (Formula One), Sprint (track and field), Full Swing (golf) — they are great for helping me understand more niche sports, and they’re really entertaining.
I am always here for DITL posts!
I really like the idea of a designated “fun” activity at night. I’m taking notes on how I can apply that to my own schedule, since I find that the time between walking the dog and bedtime goes by in a flash. It’s only 2-3 hours every single night, yet I have no idea how I spend it. Yes there’s internet and yes there’s TV but I suspect I spend most of the time just sitting there frozen trying to decompress from the workday. Oh snap, tracking my time would show me exactly what’s going on, now wouldn’t it?
haha yes! I would happily read your DITL post too!!
Might be fun to have a little organizing calendar that has one task per day (ie spices, next day socks, etc- there are many online) to keep busy during that time and not get too stuck inside your own thoughts.
I am worried I would “fail” at this and it would ruin my vibe but I guess i could always see it as an option rather than a must-do!
I love DITL posts. They really are endlessly fascinating. Can’t wait to read yours.
Sundowning takes me back; my grandmother suffered from dementia for years and it was really quite (sadly) incredible how confused and agitated she could get in the evenings.
I think these are all great ideas. You could set up a random list on your phone and have it autogenerate an idea. Lately, I’ve been trying to think: what do I ACTUALLY want to do in this free time. Sometimes things that sound like fun – read a book, take a stroll around the block – aren’t actually what I want to do in that moment. I’m trying let my mood dictate what a do a bit more these days and I have enjoyed the newfound sense of freedom. This weekend I wanted to watch something mindless on Netflix before supper and that is not my typical go-to activity. But I put down my book – which I didn’t feel like reading – and watched a mindless show for 20 minutes and it was lovely!
I’ve started listening to the top 500 albums according to Rolling Stone Magazine and it’s been a great option at moments when I’m feeling stuck on what to do or feeling a little low. Start at 500, obviously!
that is so fun!!!!
Do you like Curtis Sittenfeld? Her books seem like they’d be up her alley. I’m currently inhaling her new book of short stories. Could be a good one to get you out of your reading funk. Also, I frequently travel plan when I’m feeling a little down! I truly do love the planning aspect of vacation, particularly once we’ve already chosen a location (like you have for Hawaii) and then it’s just about looking at activities, lodging choices, reading people’s itineraries and travel blogs about the location, etc. It’s so fun! Also, I don’t think it’s too early to start thinking about 2026.
Love her and I did want to read that!!
The Good Place is … so good. Have you watched any of it already? I watched it alone. Then I watched it with my oldest son and husband and most recently with my middle two kids. I see something new every time and the overall message is so uplifting and not in religious way, just in a human way. Highly recommend.
Another show with Kristen Bell that might be right up your alley is Nobody Wants This (“An agnostic sex podcaster and a newly single rabbi fall in love; discovering if their relationship survive their wildly different lives and meddling families.”) Only one season so far, but it’s a good mix of fun and thought-provoking.
You could also steal a page from Laura and get a whole stack of magazines – not quite Insta scrolling, but mindless and easy yet pleasant (and still couch compatible). Food, fashion, design, home reno, etc – might not be what you want for your life at all, but fun to look at. Or art magazines or coffee table books – you can get a huge stack from the library and store next to the couch. Library = free = no pressure to read thoughtfully to get your money’s worth, so you can just DNF any you don’t like.
Finally, maybe you could take all these ideas, print them out in triplicate, and pull a “to-do” out of a jar, with for example 1-2 redos permitted.
Magazines are a great idea! It makes me so sad that so few are in circulation anymore — they are a wonderful diversion and often so beautiful.
Definitely 2nd the magazine recommendation! I feel like having a few by the couch really makes it easy to reach for one to fulfill that need to read/look at something but more satisfying then endless scrolling.
I have a print subscription to New York magazine since for me it’s totally the right mix of serious/important and also – we went took photos in a park for 24 hours or here’s the gossip/drama in the paleontology world or whatever. Also BUST magazine and Outside.
I recall that you mentioned “meditation” in this week’s BLP episode, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger. I wonder if you’ve meditated in the evening as well.
My understanding, Dr. Sarah Hart-Unger, is that now that you have 14 ideas – time-tracking included – to tackle this pattern of negative feeling on a nightly basis that you’re experiencing, this pattern will not last until this time next month. Now, I haven’t read a lot of your past blog posts yet, which means that I’m not sure if you’ve also experienced this negative feeling at the end of the day for multiple days before The Incident last month. I think I’ll just read your past blog posts.
And yes, I think that some DITL posts can basically substitute for the time-tracking results of the day that this DITL post describes.
Are you a journaler? I wonder if journaling might feel like a nice outlet to work through some of these thoughts. Bonus if you use fun pens!
This is a great list! I am currently deep in grief, and your experience with the ‘evening low’ sounds similar. One thing I’ve learned in my grief counseling is that we have a reduced capacity for dealing with all the things. We run out of energy more quickly. So, for me, the end of the day (especially after working all day) is the roughest. I’m absolutely out of energy and can’t think of what to do. Keeping this list and adding to it could be very helpful.
I’ve also learned that grief isn’t always easy to pin point in the moment. You mentioned before that you didn’t think you were grieving the loss of running. But I wonder if you have a more general grief due to a major change in your identity as an athlete? A lot of the symptoms you’ve mentioned in the last few posts really sound a lot like grief symptoms. Just my two cents worth of arm chair counseling.
I like the idea someone had about making a list of fun things and then letting your phone (or Alexa or whatever) randomly select one. And if what it picks doesn’t sound fun in the moment, select another one. That way it takes some of the pressure off you to make the “perfect” decision with your time. I’d also dump any of the “should” items like cleaning out a drawer. If the spirit moves you, then fine, but I think fun shows/music/baking/books are going to feed your soul way more than throwing out some junk.
Are there any shows you want to watch with your kids? That could be fun. The Good Place could fit for the older two, or maybe a Nate Bargatze standup (there are some on Netflix)? He’s very funny and there’s no s*e*x jokes or swear words. I know you’re an extrovert so leaning into interactions with your kids now that they can really be companions might make you feel better.
Ooh! I always love DITL posts! Bring it on!
I’m trying to put myself in your shoes regarding the evening slump. Honestly for me there doesn’t seem to be that much time between dinner and bedtime. By the time I eat, get the kitchen cleaned, finish up any laundry, get all the animals fed (ha- I know, you’re not insane enough to have two cats and multiple small critters) I’m pretty eager to get in bed and start reading. I wonder if you could see the evening as a time where you don’t really have to “do” anything special, other than wind down and get everyone, yourself included, ready for bed. I know you still get up pretty early, so being in bed reading by 8:30 or 9 wouldn’t be ridiculous at all. On that note- you need a really good book to make this work! I’m also in a book right now that I like, don’t love, am definitely going to finish and am eager to move onto something else.
I don’t have a ton of time either, it’s true (and ideally I start G’s bedtime routine around 7:45ish for her to go to bed ~8:30)! I just need to do SOMETHING even something super minor because if I don’t . . . it doesn’t seem to go very well.
Is it possible to move up your bedtime? Remembering that this is a season, not forever, maybe it would help if you could just get into bed (with a book, or not) by 8 pm any night you don’t have to pick someone up? Your kids are old enough that they can understand and even take care of their own bedtimes for awhile. I just wonder if trying to push through isn’t necessarily what you need. Rather, maybe your body just needs more rest and for you to not fight it? Esp since you wake up feeling positive! And this would just be for the moment, until you settle in and no longer feel this way at the end of the day.
Just an idea. Rooting for you!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of this. I felt something similar during the first year after my twins were born, definitely some PPA and just general life overwhelm involved. A very wise therapist linked this to evolution (not sure if its true or not, but it made sense to me) that of course our ancient ancestors would begin to feel heightened awareness of threats when the sun set, it helped to keep their tribes alive. In modern life, it shows up as heightened awareness of emotions instead. I did find that simply accepting that I would feel worse in the evenings instead of fighting it and trying to get in some gentle movement helped.
If you’re haven’t listened to the podcast Tested by CBC + NPR, I highly recommend this. It’s about DSD in sports and is done so well.