I did more reflection after posting yesterday (and as always — appreciated your comments + perspectives; not to shape my major life choices but just to provide different angles and ways of thinking about things).
A friend (fine, it was Kae) texted me later that morning: “if you knew for 100% certain that quitting your clinical role and only doing creative work you could match your current salary, would you hesitate to quit clinical?”
I immediately knew the answer was yes: meaning, I would hesitate a whole lot. DO I LOVE every moment and every aspect of my clinical role? No. You all know how much I struggle with call (mostly the sleep deprivation aspect – the rest of it is fine). Also, sometimes patients are just . . . not nice, even from the start of a brand new encounter. I know that some may come in with an entirely justified frustration fire already lit, but it’s hard to bear the brunt of it sometimes.
There is also the sad fact that physicians in many contexts seem to be losing autonomy by the year. This applies to the expansion of administration at many places, but also the outsized role that insurance companies are taking in dictating care. In my clinical area, I have seen this get significantly worse over the past few years. It is really REALLY frustrating to know that a medicine would most likely significantly help a patient but also know that a) they can’t afford it without insurance and b) insurance will not cover it, even if it is absolutely indicated and FDA approved.
All of those things have contributed to making my clinical job more stressful and less fun.
BUT.
I still really generally like it. I know some love remote and flexible work, but I actually enjoy the structure of having a schedule and a place to go each day. I really love my colleagues. I definitely enjoy learning things. I like having real conversations with all kinds of people throughout my day. I like working with kids. I like figuring out ways to be more efficient and to effectively educate families. I don’t get up on clinical days and think: “wahhhh, I have to go to work today.” In fact, sometimes I am more apt to feel aimless and moody on creative days. At least in clinic I know I can see patients and feel productive just by doing my job. I would not rule out someday trying to figure out a compromise where I do less call or have more control over office logistics, but for now — I need to acknowledge that my current setup is, on the whole, a positive one.
So. Here we are. For now, I am going to accept my dual roles for the unicorn setup that it is. In order to do that effectively:
I am going to have to stop comparing myself to others with different setups.
I am going to have to ACKNOWLEDGE VERY REAL LIMITS around what I can do in my creative role.
I am going to stop putting pressure on myself where it’s not really warranted. Nobody is grading me on whether I release a newsletter 12/12 months every year, for example.
I am going to remember that even if I AM drained after my 3 clinical days each week, that is still less than half of the week (and let’s face it, I’d probably be drained after a long day in my creative role, anyway).
I am going to embrace the fact that not everyone is going to like me and that it’s not my “life task” to take on (this book actually was pretty helpful although it is NOT a straightforward guide whatsoever, it is more abstract and philosophical).
I am going to try to lean into the parts of my job I like. (Both jobs!)
Today, I cleaned my office (like literally sprayed it down with Ms Meyers, removed old papers, etc). My work inboxes (EPIC + Outlook email) are now at zero. My personal inbox is at zero. My work calendar is audited for conflicts. I got almost 8 hours of sleep last night. My medicine regimen seems to be working (yay!). And I feel better about a lot of things.
10 Comments
SHU, FWIW, I’m hugely impressed that you write a book and negotiated a book contract while still very much in a clinical role. That’s just amazing!
This is why so many physicians are leaving traditional medicine for concierge roles. It’s not you. You are an amazing human, who despite any challenge life throws your way, accomplishes a dizzying number of concrete goals and positively affects the lives of others every single day.
I can say the same thing about teaching. People think it’s awful and demanding and, and, and… there are some very frustrating aspects and students/parents that are simply not nice, like you said, from the beginning. BUT!
The schedule, the salary, the validation, and the colleagues make it all worth it. Oh, let’s not forget plentiful days off during the year, and summers off. And let’s through a pension in there as well.
I’ve been toying with the idea of going back to work at an Actual Job. Some days I think it’s a terrible idea to give up my very flexible, very part-time work when I have very busy kids. But reading your description of why you like your job definitely resonates!
I’ve been thinking about you since yesterday’s post. I wonder whether it might help to actively incorporate some time purely for leisure. You used to truly love running – and while you are keeping fit with the strength training, I don’t get the vibe that you love love love it. Doing things puuuuuurely for leisure is so important in filling up one’s cup. And I mean just for you – not for fun and a planner review, not for fun and
your blog, not for fun and with the kids – no double utility. Just purely for fun, for you x
That’s a good point – right now the only thing that fits that would be reading/book club. I do really miss many aspects of running.
It seems obvious that not everyone is going to like me, but for some reason that is a struggle to accept. I have one client that I’ve been working my butt off for, and I just learned that she made some comments to a colleague about how essentially she doesn’t like me and doesn’t value my work. This got me so incredibly mad/frustrated! I’ve been bending over backwards for this lady and she has nothing good to say about me. I’m working to reframe it, but at the moment I’m quite infuriated 🙂
A clean office and a clean inbox does so much for your mental well-being. Maybe this is my cue to go clean off my desk…. 🙂
Yay! Great question from Kae- sounds like it really helped clarify your feelings.
Bsd
If it helps, having another video showing beautiful planner spreads but no real life jobs and activities is silly. Having a video showing real life jobs that aren’t planning/productivity content creation is so much more valuable. But for me, what’s even more valuable is the content on accessible sconce and medicine that help to make me a better parent and friend, such as the video you did with pedsdoctalk recently. (I think that’s the channel name.)
Your planning content is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But that’s partly because your job is not just showing beautiful planner spreads.
“It is really REALLY frustrating to know that a medicine would most likely significantly help a patient but also know that a) they can’t afford it without insurance and b) insurance will not cover it, even if it is absolutely indicated and FDA approved.”
It is good (and also sad) to hear frustration about things like this from a doctor. My insurance changed and I now can no longer take a medication that was really, REALLY helping me because the new insruance will not pay for it. The cheaper drug that they will pay for is technically working, but it’s not nearly as effective. For example, let’s say a “Perfect” number in my blood work would be 100. “Bad” would 75-79 and below. “Acceptable” is 80-90, and “Great” is 90-99. The last drug kept me at a 98 consistently. The cheap drug keeps me at at 74.5 ish most of the time, which is good enough for my insurance. My doctor has argued with them, but we lost, and I cannot afford the 30,000/ year that the ‘good’ drug would cost me. It’s frustrating. I feel like there are long term effects to my health, but I can’t get blood from a stone, and I also don’t have the extra funds to just buy it. I even have what is considered pretty good insurance!