“Comparison is the thief of joy.” — Theodore Roosevelt
“When life felt overwhelming and I’d start complaining— “Their house is bigger, his car is newer, she doesn’t have to work, they didn’t have student loans, their parents help with the kids…” —he’d gently remind me that I was comparing up. He encouraged me to compare down instead.” — Colleen, via Elisabeth’s Gratitude Guests post.
“We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.” — psychologist Alfred Adler, as quoted in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fuimtake Koga. I happen to be reading this right now, and finding it really fascinating.
Not going to lie, I have ZERO courage to be disliked at baseline.
So far, the book is not really about that though!
It’s super interesting nonetheless.
—
That last quote might not seem to be in line with the first two, but I think it is. Because it just highlights the point that everything is relative. And comparison is human nature, but it can also be so dangerous. Comparing — particularly comparing up — is a terrible place to get stuck.
And it’s all an illusion anyway, as one person’s version of perfect is another person’s meh.
Examples from my own life:
If my book sells X copies, it will probably be a challenge to celebrate that and not dwell on why someone else’s sold 10X. (Maybe I will just try to ignore the data; I am pretty good at that when it comes to things like podcast downloads! I rarely look because I just don’t really want to know!)
My home is comfortable, spacious, and reasonably clean, but it is a challenge not to think about the excess clutter, lack of decor/style, and fixtures that need repair.
I can bemoan my own medical challenges by comparing myself to runners in their 40s my age setting PRs and feeling amazing, or I can feel grateful for all of the things that I can still do and the fact that I mostly feel decent from day to day.
I will feel envious hearing about someone else’s vacation where everything seems to have gone perfectly and the kids are smiling in frame after frame rather than remembering a) someone else’s highlight reel probably isn’t a complete picture! and b) we have had some amazing family travel moments ourselves, even if it isn’t every minute of every trip.
I don’t have some wild answer to how to avoid doing this, but I think awareness of these thought patterns can help. So does turning away from content that tends to evoke these feelings over and over again. This is a huge reason for why I left Instagram in 2021, and I am pretty good about editing Feedly and my podcast queue when I recognize that a source is making me feel a certain negative way on a regular basis.
(PS: I have done this silently, without flouncing out — because it’s not about them, it’s about me! And I truly wish many of the creators I don’t see much anymore the best.)
Anyway. Some deep thoughts for a Wednesday. I will now resume excavating my disaster-of-an-inbox.
9 Comments
Love this topic, as you know… I feel like it’s such a part of the human experience and all is so magnified these days with “everything” being shared online, etc. Something that helps me is to think about the trade-offs. It’s always easy to see, like you said, the highlight reel part and think OOH I want that… but sometimes I’ll try and think deeper and will realize: mmm, actually, I don’t at all want the stress or travel that comes with the job needed to have that salary. Or, while this one part of someone’s life/house/situation/fill in the blank looks very appealing, I don’t think I actually want the REST of that lifestyle or trade-offs I’d have to give up to have it. It does help me to remember that overall, we’ve made certain life choices as a family, and while, sure, it’d be nice to wave a wand and have everything just so, for the most part, we’ve made the choices we have for a reason and on the whole, I’m satisfied with them. Helps me not go down that rabbit hole (though I totally still do too often 😆).
The comparison trap of social media was the #1 reason I stepped away in Dec of 2021. It’s hard to always remember that you are seeing the highlight reel and not the full picture. I saw a bunch of family last weekend and several commented on how they miss seeing pictures of my kids. I do miss that aspect of social media but not enough to go back to the aps!
I unfollow social media/blogs for the same reason that I DNF books. If it’s not bringing me joy, then it’s keeping something that could be bringing me joy out of my life. 100% it’s me and not the source that I’m unfollowing.
I loved Colleen’s comment about comparison, too. Perspective is key, but so hard to find in our hyper-connected world. I think comparison is much broader now; we don’t just compare ourselves to our neighbours and colleagues, we can literally compare ourselves to movie stars and people from around the world…all while sitting on our couch scrolling through our phones. It is a lot to process.
Kae is so right that it’s easy to see the highlight reel and forget about all the tradeoffs that can come with that same lifestyle/experience.
I read blogs (and blog myself), but I haven’t had any social media in almost two decades (wow, I feel old). I remember finding it really hard to walk away from Facebook back in 2008, but I know it has been a net positive in my life!
I heard about that book on a podcast, thought it sounded interesting and then forgot all about it. Now that you’ve reminded me, I want to read it!
Yes, it’s so hard not to compare. Even while reading blogs, it’s easy to feel like everyone’s house is nicer/vacations are better/ jobs are more interesting, etc. etc!!! Sometimes I have to ask myself “Would you really want to trade places with this person?” The answer is always no. We all have our challenges, great things and not-so-great things about our lives. Sometimes it’s tough to remember that though.
Comparison can also be the salt in the wound. Because sometimes, the situations you’re in that you’re comparing to others does legitimately suck and when you see what everyone else is doing, it makes it harder to bear your reality, not easier.
yes to all of this.
The mother of one of my 9 year old son’s friends has been diagnosed with ALS. Everything I have to complain about has been brought into sharp perspective
That is so incredibly heartbreaking. I’m so sorry anyone has to go through that. Incredibly unfair and sad.