And maybe a bit of an attitude shift?
The past few weeks I have felt very (very) in the weeds. I have also been physically tired — likely related to shifting medications — and that has made everything feel harder. Honestly, I have had some doubt over whether my current lifestyle (clinical career + creative career + all of the rest of life) is sustainable.
And some of those doubts remain, but I also wonder if perhaps I need to adjust my expectations a little bit, especially with regard to my creative career. Reflecting on things, I recognize that some of my stress has been triggered by — you guessed it — comparison. I look at what I am doing with limited time and compare it to others who are working full time in their creative endeavors.
Not surprisingly, I come up short. One thing that has been consistently gnawing at me is that I know I am not going to be able to promote my book in the way that someone would be able to if that was a full time job. In fact: I am ON CALL the week it launches. I am not going to be able to create beautiful planner YouTube videos, even if I think I have interesting ideas in my head for content. I am not going to be able to aggressively seek out speaking opportunities and grow that aspect of my career.
And maybe . . . maybe all of that is okay? I know I will continue to make an impact on some. I don’t need to see my choice to divide my time as a mistake or a handicap. It is just that: a choice, and one I am lucky to be able to make. I can continue to periodically question that choice, but I should not bemoan it or feel angst about it. As I’ve pondered in the past, I could also try to outsource more (perhaps a contracted PR person could be scheduling interviews for me).
Another thing that has pulled at me has been the question of whether I am able to be present enough for the kids. Many evenings these days I have struggled with energy levels by 8-9 pm or even earlier, during a time frame when they need the most support. In part, this is because I get up early, but I also think on clinical days there is a certain kind of social-emotional fatigue that tends to happen where I just feel drained from all of the interpersonal interactions and sometimes-challenging conversations. I hate the idea that I use it all up only to come home tired and grumpy, but sometimes that happens.
I need to think about ways I can address this, because to me this is even more important than the aforementioned professional struggles. I do think there has been some improvement with my most recent medication adjustment. I also wonder if I need to shift some of my workouts later and just play with my overall schedule a bit. Maybe my current time tracking will help reveal some patterns – I will try to make note of my energy in there as well.
Anyway. More fodder for reflection I guess! I did discuss wanting to do more (private) journaling. All of this would be a great thing to continue to write about.
32 Comments
Well, listen, from the outside looking in, you are nothing but aspirational. (Which I didn’t even spell correctly, I am pretty sure. I also aspire to be someone who spells better).
Agree! And when you layer on your new medical diagnosis it’s really easy to see why you might feel a lot of complex things. Maybe it’s not even comparison but it’s expectations you have of yourself whether or not they are realistic or you even realize you have them. You have a vision of what a book launch should be like but in the end, your reality will still be a book launch even if it isn’t what you imagined. I get the feeling you do still really like your medical career and having space for creativity without being solely in one lane. You can do all of this your way. But also take it easier on yourself and take the time you need to explore those feelings.
I feel like one of the nice things about the creative work is that you can scale it up or down based on what else is going on. One of my best friends, a therapist in her mid-50s scaled down her practice in the covid era because her oldest daughter was in high school and she wanted more time with her before she left. Now that she’s a sophomore in college, she’s been ramping her practice up again. So I guess I’m saying don’t think of any decision you need to make as a permanent decision. It’s not all or nothing, forever.
Also, scheduling shit is the bane of my existence. Would using something like calendly make it less of a back and forth administrative hassle? I haven’t used it before but I think the google ecosystem may offer a similar asynchronous scheduling feature.
From my perspective, the double role you play is an asset, and increases your credibility? But I could see how it would feel like a lot. I wonder if this might be a “throw money at it” situation – is there someone you can hire to do some of the socials stuff in the next few months, so everything is ready and scheduled when the book launches?
The kid thing is so, so hard. Higher ed is on fire, my husband’s job is full on, and my kid has been having a tough time at school due to some really unpleasant social dynamics – I definitely sat on the kitchen floor and cried the other day. It’s hard to keep all the balls in the air with a smile on your face. Maybe a bit more sleep/restful mornings would give you the gas in the tank to get through the bedtime routines with a bit more flexibility? But also, do they need you to be physically up and about or can they know you’re there for a quiet cuddle/chat when they need you. I find when my son is having a hard time, just letting him read in bed with me until he’s sleepy really helps. Sometimes he talks, sometimes we just have that physical closeness.
100% agree that your double role adds to your credibility, Sarah. You do a lot and only you know the balance that feels “right”. I often get frustrated that I’m spread so thin, but then I have an evening where both my kids are in sports practice as I realize this is truly just a phase. And again, I think it adds to my credibility as a volunteer and employee that I have the ability to prioritize well and manage to get quite a lot done.
I also came here to say that I really value that you are someone who has a ‘regular’ job. That makes your perspective much more valuable!
I think it’s so important to keep in mind that whatever you might “lack” compared to a full time creator (the word lack sounds very wrong but I can’t think of the right word and you know what I mean), you MORE than make up for in relatability!!
I think that is unfortunately a big issue with many of the creators in the productivity space- they’re often giving advice for working people, but their actual lived experience is so far different from what a typical working person experiences that there can sometimes be a real disconnect. The fact that you live it, breathe it, get it AND are creating your products and content through that real lens is invaluable, in my opinion. It makes you quite rare and unique in this space and it really sets you apart.
The fact that you understand what it’s like to have a boss, have a fixed schedule that you CAN’T just flex or leave, have to work when you’re tired and still have to come home and manage kids + the household… that’s what most, or at least many, working people face every day and really need help figuring out how to survive/thrive! People notice and realize and appreciate that, which I personally think might be worth a lot more than an extra newsletter or stop on a book tour. 🙂
Of course, if you do ever feel it’s just too unsustainable or your goals have shifted and you want a change, you know I support that, too! 💕
Ditto everything Kae said <3
Balancing two careers is both inspiring and incredibly demanding (while your husband also has an incredibly demanding career). You want to give 100% in your clinical role, 100% in your creative work, and 100% to your relationships, but the math can never add up. Maybe it’s not about redefining the math, but redefining what 100% really means? None of us were created to always be “on,” always happy, always energetic, always giving. And you have faced so many stressful situations over the last year on top of all the work demands.
Forgive the cliché, but I guess I'd ask what you want to do with your one wild and precious life. You could step away from one career if you wanted. But if you can’t imagine giving either up, that’s the sign you’re forging the right path, even if it’s hard. I get the sense you're feeling spread too thin, but also that you care deeply about everything on your plate and don't feel peace about letting either work role go?
And hard doesn’t mean wrong. Sometimes we assume we have to lean all the way in, when really there’s more freedom than we realize. You can publish a book without promoting it like crazy. You can skip the big tour if that would only add stress. And that doesn’t make the book (or you!) any less remarkable. Though, UGH, that stinks about the timing of your call with the book launch. Any chance you can switch???
Have you ever considered that your readers are comparing themselves to you- and thinking, wow, as if being a doctor (and highly trained specialist) isn’t enough, this superstar found time to write a book about planning?!?! I can’t even seem to buy a new rug.
Omg, Anna, fantastic perspective… and I 100% agree.
I’m also nodding vigorously to this sentiment, Sarah: “on clinical days there is a certain kind of social-emotional fatigue that tends to happen where I just feel drained from all of the interpersonal interactions and sometimes-challenging conversations. I hate the idea that I use it all up only to come home tired and grumpy, but sometimes that happens.”
I’m also a health care provider and could NOT agree more. Very well stated and essential to keep in mind. I also would like a solve to this.
Yes, I like Kae’s comment. A lot of creators seem to have infinite time on their hands, and it makes it hard to relate. So it’s nice to hear from someone juggling a heavy schedule, plus lots of kid duties. Having said that- I can see how it’s not fun for you.
Have you ever fantasized about what life would be like if you were a full-time creator? Does it seem appealing to you, or would you miss your clinical work? If you would truly miss your clinical work, then I think the answer is to keep on as you are, with possibly more outsourcing. And- don’t feel too guilty about the kids. We’re human too, and it’s okay for them to see us a little stressed and/or cranky, some of the time. I agree- it doesn’t always feel good. But- I’m sure you have lots of mindful, loving interactions with them too.
I just wanted to add that I dont have all the things you have going on, but I do have 3 kids similar ages and for the past few weeks, I have definitely 1) felt in the weeds, 2) wondered if I can keep doing the things I do, and 3) wondered if adjusting my schedule would help. It might just be back to school season.
Prioritizing right now is intense, and I am dropping some pretty key life tasks. Solidarity, Sister.
I can relate to these feelings so much, particularly as a physician scientist. When this happens, I remind myself that I have *already* been extremely successful, and even if I never accomplished a single thing in my life, I have done more than most people – even many/most drs – and that I continue to have meaningful interactions with residents, patients, families, and mentees every single day. I think about what brings me joy *each day* and have been trying to focus on completing the most urgent tasks rather than getting mired in the overwhelm of my to do list (which, ahem, currently spans two pages in my notebook… yikes).
With regard to your energy levels, it is possible that some of this is your medication, but possible that it is just getting older (sorry). I noticed I felt more exhausted starting about three years ago… and that’s right about where you are now. I also started taking tamoxifen this summer, which is associated with increased fatigue, body pain, and insomnia… all of which I experienced initially, but which I am acclimating to over time. Maybe the same thing will happen with you and your new medications!
Finally, try to have grace with yourself about having a short temper in the evenings. My only hacks to this are to take the phones away, apologize if I act badly myself, and prod the child to stay on task with things like doing homework, showering, and going to bed. I think that’s about all any of us can do.
Finally, I want to echo what your other readers have expressed that you are incredibly accomplished and in no way should feel less-than about what you have been able to do with your life relative to others. YOU KICK ASS. We all want to be a bit more like you ourselves.
I wholeheartedly agree with what Kae said! I think you need to think about what a successful book launch looks like and that should be specific to what is realistic for someone with 2 careers. Try not to compare yourself to others that work in the productivity space or are full time creators.
I think you need to create your own benchmark for your creative career/book launch. I think about benchmarks a lot. I work in finance so we talk about benchmarks a lot. I think if you compare yourself to other full time creatives, it would be akin to my firm comparing a bond fund to an equity benchmark – meaning it would set us up for failure because a bond fund cannot and should not perform like the S&P500. If your benchmark is wrong, your performance can look terrible/disappointing. To bring it back to medicine, you would not compare the # of patients you see to a full time physician, so you shouldn’t compare your creative work to that of a full time creative!
And listen, a lot of your readers/followers are busy women who don’t have the time or interest to watch a bunch of content on social media! So don’t ’should’ all over yourself and expect yourself to make all these videos and such. Will those videos really move the needle?
I like this as well. Maybe you could even reach out to your previous guests who were writer/(dual career) to get some true benchmark support and ideas – or even agents or similar support people’s contacts
I wonder if you could look at the the process more rather than the outcome. Creating and writing the book rather than how popular it is or how many books sell. I mean, does that really matter? Assuming your lifestyle isn’t dependent on it, there are so many other positives than how much money you make from it. This can be applied across the board I think!
Like many others have said, your planning work seems more significant when discussed in the context of a professional career than in the context of content creation. I think that’s why we’re all here—to understand how you manage and plan within the context of a real career.
Yes!
Agree with everything everyone has said! Re the book launch, I think a few select podcast interviews on some of the amazing writers who blurbed you (Kendra, Cal), could go a long way, and don’t worry about a big tour! As someone else said, your target audience is busy and probably won’t be showing up to book events anyway! (I love reading and I’ve never been to a book launch event.) You know all your readers will promote it too. 🙂
With the kids, perhaps channel Laura in not being all or nothing- the 3 clinical evenings you won’t have energy for them, but there’s 4 other evenings in the week. Perhaps aim to have a bit more energy those days by starting a little later etc.
Thanks for being vulnerable, Sarah! And thank you for cultivating such a thoughtful community of readers. The comments section here is such an inspiration. I’m in a similar boat to you, trying to figure out how to be an academic, and a public-facing writer, and a parent and wondering if it’s all possible. So thanks for inadvertently giving me a bit of a pep talk here 🙂
I especially love Lisa’s point: “if you compare yourself to other full time creatives, it would be akin to my firm comparing a bond fund to an equity benchmark – meaning it would set us up for failure because a bond fund cannot and should not perform like the S&P500. If your benchmark is wrong, your performance can look terrible/disappointing”
I think I need to write a version of this on a post-it note!! Thanks, Lisa!
I have two kids and work 4 days a week with patients, and there is absolutely no way I could manage anymore roles at this time. I feel the same way as you at the end of the work day, after giving all my emotional energy to my patients, I feel my family doesn’t get the best version of me. I am thinking about dropping to 3 days a week if we can manage it financially…
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindful-Self-Compassion-Burnout-Recharge-Stress/dp/1462554989
As a burnt out GP, hospice doctor, mother of three and chronic overachiever, this book has been useful beyond all expectations – sorry it’s the UK website link.
maybe your uniqueness is that you are living what you preach/teach. I for one listen to you because you are living it. If you did it full time, you wouldn’t have that place to speak from.
Definitely, your work as a clinician makes you so much more relatable and I think that’s more important than book promotion! That’s why I keep coming back to read your blog. Hire someone to help you schedule interviews and make youtube videos if you want to pursue those.
I fully agree re: social emotional fatigue with clinical work. I think this would make a great podcast topic. I feel like a very mediocre parent when I come home drained from my day and have difficulty being truly present with my kids. I do some clinic Monday to Friday and ideally I’d cut back to be more present when I’m home.
Full time work is not a time issue for me, we outsource a lot, it’s the lack of energy left for the kids after a long day/week.
Sarah — I read your post this morning and have been thinking about it all day — especially your sentiment about how you are showing up from 8-9p, when you have the least to give and your kids need you the most. I’m a fellow pediatrician (primary care) — currently actually shifting gears into a more clinically intensive role — and feeling this so acutely. On my clinical days I get home having had 8-9 hours of challenging conversations and feeling pulled in all directions — and often feel like I just have nothing more to offer to my kids or husband. I imagine a lot of working parents feel this way, and I think there is something especially unique about this situation for health care workers, and especially people who care for kids. I wish I had some grand idea or intervention but instead just wanted to say I hear this and experience this and would be excited to hear from others and have ideas or can just commiserate 🙂 Also I am so excited for you about your book – no matter what the launch might look like!
Well – as a 66 year old retired Marriage and Family Therapist and a mother of two adult children plus 3 grandchildren , this came to mind in reading this post- you are doing a TON with lots of big goals and expectations of yourself. You may have to reevaluate how things are going and decide what is most important and what can wait for a different season of life. You are in the trenches with parenting and that can be all consuming and overwhelming in itself, plus two busy jobs. Careers in healthcare take so much out of you mentally and emotionally- trust me , you will have time and energy for everything you want to do, but sometimes it doesn’t happen all at once . Thinking about you and hoping you find a peaceful happy medium in your life.
I am a therapist too and I think this comment has a lot of merit.
You have 2 successful careers. Both rewarding and took a lot of years of time and training. I am not sure why you are not satisfied and proud of everything u achieved so far. You also have a great family along with good career, you should put things in perspective.
It’s great to reflect after a period of meh/discomfort. those feelings come from time to time, if it’s just few days, related to physical fatigue, I would ignore them. If they are more than that, feeling unease even with good sleep, I would evaluate too. I am guessing the struggle is to want it all at the same time, rather than giving priority/intensity depending on the stage.
Give a personal example. I am exhausted by 7pm this week because I am preparing for a big meeting this Friday. I am sleeping like a rock yet by 7pm I’m exhausted and barely interact with the girls. do I feel bad? a bit but not too much because I know this is temporary and I can dedicate more time to them this weekend. Of course, I don’t want this work situation to leave me exhausted by 7pm most of the time, but it is only if it’s 20% of the time.
I have also came to conclusion that I won’t run a marathon this year, breaking the strike, given all work/life happening this year, I am okay not pursuing my running goal for now.
oh one more thing…. if you look back since your decision to shift part time with clinical work to pursue your creative endeavor, you’ve accomplished a lot!!!!! a book, weekly episodes on your podcast, retreats, seasonal planning! Clearly you are good at it. It may be good to reflect which part of the process you enjoyed the most, create content? connect with others? can you do more of that without the others parts like marketing if you don’t truly enjoy?! figuring out what you can drop/delegate may help to give you space for your kids and your true creative passion?
So many great comments and pep talk. I am struggling, too, but I only have ONE role! You inspire all of us!