I wrote fairly recently about how our weekends are kind of . . . not living up to expectations.
I was also thinking that my Saturday long runs often felt like an ‘event’ in the way that Pilates classes do not. So, I guess in some ways I went from having 2-3 automatic anchors (long run or even a race, soccer games) to zero.
I continue to notice that if we are not doing something to purposefully get out of the house, the kids will invariably end up on screens for longer than I feel is ideal. When things go really sideways, they end up with a weekend filled with so many clicks and swipes, and so little real activity or human connection. I hate that, and yet I don’t blame them. I succumb to the same dopamine-inducing pressures sometimes, AND I’m many years older and (theoretically) wiser.
There are 4 kinds of weekends in our household, as far as I’m concerned:
- J-call weekends. In these weekends, I am solo parenting and basically in charge of what we will do. Josh still often takes C to soccer but due to responsibilities at the hospital cannot be ‘counted on’ for anything as a guarantee. ~13 of these per year.
- S-call weekends. You all know how these go! I usually have to round in the hospital for a couple of hours or more each day, and honestly I’m usually pretty tired. Josh is the ‘in charge’ parent. Again, I might help drive a kid to a bday party but he’s the primary one running the show. ~5 of these per year.
- Travel weekends. Like last weekend (for me, anyway!). Maybe we are away, or we are packing to go away, or we are going on a super short trip (we have a one-night sleepover in the Keys coming up, for example). ~8 (?) of these per year. Not sure of exact numbers! But something like that. These are our best and most memorable weekends, usually — because we are together doing things! (Obviously, doing big a travel weekend every week would be tiring and prohibitively expensive).
- “Normal” weekends. ALL OF THE REST! I’m going to guess these comprise ~50% of weekends overall — some months are definitely more concentrated with them than others.
We have not done a great job in planning anchors for these weekends lately, even the ‘normal’ ones. But I am determined to work on this. I don’t even feel like I need the family to stay in one unit the entire time; for example, if A wants to go to a sleepover or need to skip an outing in favor of homework, that’s totally fine. But we need to orchestrate SOMETHING. This weekend I think we are going to call a Weekend Improvement Summit and try to brainstorm ideas of things that multiple people would want to do. Notably, we are headed into our Better Weather Season which lasts ~6-7 months. I actually saw one very bold prediction that we are now PAST daily thunderstorm season for good already this year!? I don’t believe it, but it would be AMAZING. The last few days have been noticeably nicer . . .
I am not going to emphasize ‘screen time’ per se in these discussions. The problem is that in one of more of my kids’ minds, screen or game time has become the centerpiece of weekend life, the main thing they look forward to. And I am okay with it being a fun hobby, I really am! But it really saddens me to think that would be the main event.
Open to any ideas that have been hits with school-aged kids/tweens/teens, though I think having them come up with ideas is probably the best bet!
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We have copied Rebecca Fike and instituted Forced Family Fun Time (Sadly out last name doesn’t add to the alliteration the way theirs does). You need to be device free and on the main level of the house from 4-6 on Sunday afternoons. You can play games, do homework (hah!), read, watch a sporting event together, cook. We don’t all 6 have to do something together, but we are all in the same space. It has ended up being something most of my kids really look forward to.
We also do smaller local museums and state parks. I would love be able to take a family bike ride but one of my kids flat out refuses to learn to ride a bike.
all of mine CAN ride. Not all of them WANT to ride very often 🙂 We did get all 3 of them to come on a fun trail in New Hampshire and I think everyone actually had a lot of fun.
This makes me so happy! As the kids get older it gets harder to do things all together and of course, it’s perfectly appropriate that we aren’t much of the time, but there is something about having those couple hours on Sunday- the end of a often-scattered weekend and at the beginning of an always-scattered week- spent together, in the same space, no phones. Even if we aren’t all doing the same thing, there is more chatter that goes on, more commentary, more laughter… it isn’t big and I often think we should be doing more, but it’s something and it seems to matter.
Would love to hear responses – we also have a lot of screen time issues and I would be willing to bet your video game kid is the same as the ADHD one! We have heard that from the MDs treating ours. It’s all they want to do!
Something fun we’ve done is to make a list of parks within a certain radius and then just systematically visit them all. (There will likely be a few duds of parks but it’s also most likely to result in some new favs.) Maybe something like this could be a weekend anchor?
i love anything systematic!!
I feel you and we often schedule little things, my youngest often accompanies me on run/walks on his bike or we just ride our bikes together. We some friends for walks and coffee, visit some museums and castles in the neighbourhood. Sometimes we just chill at the library.
Maybe go for a drive somewhere to see something or have lunch?
Do you guys have a neighborhood where the kids can just run around outside together (when no t-storms), and/or do you know your neighbors? We frequently send the kids out and tell them to have fun, 80s-childhood-style. They know the limits of where they can go and about half have a smartwatch that we can track/reach them on if need be. The ages in our neighborhood range from 4-13 and it’s often a multi-age group outside. This can end up eating up a few hours over the course of the weekend, which is nice. They ride bikes, rollerblade, play basketball, jump on a neighbor’s trampoline, play in someone’s backyard with a swingset, etc.
We also frequently get together with our neighbors outside with firepits (or without, in the summer; fire not a requirement!) – basically everyone brings a camp chair, a drink, and sometimes food to share and we hang. The kids are all off screens because they’re running around and ‘Firepit Fridays’ (or Solo Stove Saturdays, or Sunday Fundays…) have become a big hit that acts like an activity anchor. Doesn’t have to be an evening, either – we’ve done all-day street hangouts and cooked breakfast outside. I know that this type of neighborhood vibe isn’t feasible (or desirable) for everyone but any chance there’s ONE other family in the neighborhood that might want to start something? Busy Toddler has written about similar activities with her crew – they have ‘street dinners’!
It sounds so lovely but it also sounds hard to make happen if it hasn’t already, if that makes sense… sadly I don’t see a lot of kids out though A is good friends with one neighbor and they do hang at both houses and take walks around etc.
No, I get it. We really lucked out with the makeup of our neighborhood (and our climate is probably more pleasant than yours for a bigger portion of the year), so outside play is sort of everyone’s first go-to when the screens aren’t an option. It is a bummer that more kids aren’t out running around!
I’ve got 3 daughters (6,8,10) and about a month ago we felt screens were consuming their weekends. They now have one hour of screens both Sat & Sun. Before and after that hour, all screens are off! It’s been wonderful seeing them pick up an actual book and sit down to enjoy it. They’re also drawing and crafting a lot more. We try to do some sort of family outing at least once a weekend, if not each day. In addition to that play dates, & sports/teams take up the remaining weekend minutes. They, of course, gave pushback at first, but about a month into it now, everyone seems happier in general with this arrangement.
I LOVE hearing success stories like these. So glad it’s working out!! Agree mine will ONLY read if screens are not an option.
I’ve heard of one family thinking of the weekend in “chunks” — Friday evening, Saturday morning, Saturday afternoon, Saturday evening, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon and Sunday evening. They have a family planning session (maybe Thursday night) and each person gets to make sure there is at least one “chunk” they are looking forward to and also ensuring that both fun and down time are represented in the weekend. I haven’t done this yet, but I like the concept!
Also– psychologist here– I’ve had some clients have really good results with a 30 day screen fast for the whole family. Resetting Your Chid’s Brain by Dr. Victoria Dunkley is a good primer on this.
oh this researcher was just mentioned in the book I am reading. I am definitely intrigued (but also . .typing this on a screen . . .)
You can customize the screen fast.. the major thing to get rid of is any gaming console/device, tablets and phones. Dr. Dunkley allows for on 30 minute show during the week and a family movie over the weekend and screens for school use (unless the kid is really struggling). I find the family weekend movie quite cozy and a way to use screen time to relax (but that is less addicting)
Since the policy of no screentime on school days my kids have drastically reduced screen time on weekends by themselves. But, we do have some on weekends and sometimes it’s just easy fun for them … and it feels a little off when it lasts for several hours or when they keep asking for it ( we should probably schedule some Times where it’s totally ok and others where it’s not).
When possible we do outside playing … a lot : riding bikes, playing soccer in the yard, climbing in trees . This will often occupy a lot of hours on weekends on better months ( from May to october where we live).
For my own sanity i try to at least plan one nature outing in the weekend. CAN be a bike ride, a leisure Walk in a local Park or Playground sometimes a little bit further , sometimes we plan on having lunch outside or a snack ( which acts as a motivation to get them out if needed).
If bad weather library or local children crafting place works good for us.
Baking / crafting together sometimes works out.
I Would absolutely love them to do free playing but it sometimes works out and sometimes just drags them back to screens . I am still figurine out how to do screentimes on weekends … but anyway here where my ideas !
yess there are definitely more ‘craft’ type places we have not taken advantage of. I like the ‘nature outing’ as one default activity, too.
What about learning something new together? Canoeing, knitting, woodworking, golf lesson, paper making, etc. Let everyone pick something they want to learn and have them take the lead in planning it out (who/where/how do you learn to do it). G might need some help, but A+C may be able to research on their own.
I feel everyone would argue about what they wanted but I love the idea (and we can also divide and conquer here!)
Our family tradition is a bit random but some version of it might work for others. We go to various beer gardens and brew pubs and we play a card game together. Sometimes there are food trucks too. Sometimes we drive, sometimes we take light rail to a new neighborhood, sometimes we ride bikes. There’s something about the routine (and trying to beat dad at cards) combined with some novelty that is working for us right now. I would think exploring neighborhoods for new coffee shops could work too.
trying to think about what our equivalent would be!! That does sound nice and relaxed and fun!
Alternate perspective: 35% of your weekends a year involve one parent taking the brunt of the weekend childcare, a parent who is also very deserving of rest after a long week. Planning activities and kid wrangling on said activities is not always restful. If the kids are on screens, it may not be “ideal” but also, it’s not the worst thing in the world.
Sorry, some fun activities:
My teen likes doing the weekly grocery run with my husband. While they do that, my daughter (11) and I often go to the trampoline place we gifted her a membership at. She jumps, I read – win/win. Sometimes we bring her friend who also has a membership, which tends to mean we are there longer.
Neighborhood walks are still a hit, and my teen will anything that involves him driving 😂
Also, put kids in charge of arranging their own friend hangouts (ie – they need to make 1 social plan a weekend), at least middle school and up.
oh wow mandatory social plans!! Interesting approach! I have also sat at Urban Air with a book. Definitely not a bad way to spend an afternoon!
okay point taken! Very true!!
This post is well timed for me because I’ve been feeling a similar frustration with my two tweens. It was so easy to “fill” the weekends when they were younger with zoo, science museum, playgrounds, festivals, etc. Screen time didn’t take over because we were just home way fewer hours! Now they are not nearly as enthusiastic about that stuff and would happily fill the whole weekend with Youtube and video games if we let them. I am partly trying to accept the fact that it’s normal for them not to want as much family activity time on weekends, so to that end I am trying to be really proactive about planning friend time for them (we don’t live in a neighborhood where this just happens informally, sadly, so I have to plan it) most weekends, while still trying to push some family stuff in there as well. We have dogs so a dog walk in nature (usually nearby woods) happens at least once, sometimes twice, per weekend. When we’re more ambitious we’ll take a day trip to a nearby state park, sometimes with another family. I dread Dec-Feb when we won’t have those options as much due to weather, although we tend to go for winter walks if it’s at least in the 30s. We occasionally mix in going out to eat (you guys seem to love enjoy eating out with the kids, so maybe lean into that, and rotate which kid gets to pick the restaurant?). We also each bring a kid or two along to run errands, which is obviously not super exciting but also I feel like provides for good parent-kid talk time? I feel like I need way more ideas for weekend activities, and sometimes I wish my kids were super sporty so that we’d fill the entire weekend with travel sports BUT also I know myself and my love of laying around reading, so I would probably hate that if it actually happened.
yes to all of this! It is probably not a coincidence that I’m thinking about this more as the weather here improves. It IS hard to get out when it’s disgusting out, and maybe that’s ok!! Totally the family dinners out are fun and for us a worthwhile experience. Maybe we need to find something where we can do XYZ then head out to a meal afterwards.
Just a reminder that you’re the adult and you get to set the rules. This seems like a good time to use a couple of Lazy Genius principles–House Rules and Decide Once. Its a great idea to have the family contribute some replacement ideas but I suspect it will bug you less if its not a constant decision/negotiation. The rule in our house on the weekends is that folks can start screens whenever they wake up (parents appreciate a slow morning!) but then screens get turned off somewhere between 9-9:30 and they don’t go back on until 7:30pm, unless we decide to do a family movie or there’s a special sporting event on or something. Since the answer is always ‘no’ so the kids basically never ask any more.
ooh that’s a nice bright line approach – and good point on the reminder!!
This is similar to what we do. We have screens between 1-3 p.m. on weekends and only if we are home. If we are out during that time no screens. No one asks because this has been the rule for years. It relieves so much stress. That doesn’t include texting with friends or homework (my senior and sophomore in high school do have a decent amount of homework on the weekends).
Oh you are so primed to solve this – it’s all about planning. You just need to reframe it that way.
I am less of a planner than you when it comes to work, travel etc but I love planning fun stuff for our weekends, often many months in advance.
Think of all the people whose company you enjoy, all the things you and your family enjoy doing, all the play dates they want to have, all the places they want to go, the food places they want to try or re-visit, the day trips on your someday maybe list. Think of the 1:1 dates with your kids that have proven so elusive. The stuff on your 100 dreams list. The highschool and college and Miami Beach friends you just don’t see often enough.
And the further out you plan, the more awesome the stuff that appears on the calendar.
Sooooo… You of all people have got this! When you reframe weekends as time to plan awesome fun stuff well in advance (weeks to months) and with the people in the world you want to see more of, they really open up ❤️
thank you Rebecca – that’s so true. We had gotten out of the habit because for a while we didn’t need to – but we definitely do again. I love this framing!!
The thing about focusing on seeing people you like / love on weekends and planning well in advance with them is it pays dividends so many times over. The single biggest predictor of longevity and lifelong wellbeing is social connectedness – even more so than exercise or smoking cessation. Plus I’m sure you’ll find allllll the people you reach out to are extremely grateful for you bothering to make the plans. We have built an amazing and supportive community this way. Good luck x
I feel like this is one of those things where my current stage of parenting with kids aged four and seven is actually a little bit easier, because their interests overlap quite a bit and they are pretty enthusiastic about anything I plan. I try to have rocks in our schedule for the morning and the late afternoon. So on Saturday mornings, we almost always go to the library. This weekend, they also have a free tennis clinic at three and then we are going to a pumpkin event at the zoo at seven. I tend to lay down/rest in the afternoon, and that is when they get screen time. They also typically start the day by watching a show or a movie together. This is more screen time than other families would allow, but it’s what works for our family, and allows me to rest. You are in a tricky part of the year, where it’s not so pleasant to be outside, but when it’s nicer outside, you could seek out fun adventures– if that sounds fun to you! For me, the less I’m in the house with the kids over the weekend, the better it is for everyone! But I know for others, being on the go a lot is too exhausting. But in a two boy household, tiring them out and being out in public where they maybe won’t wrestle is good for my mental health. Lol.
Are there local theater productions that your kids would be interested in? That can be a fun rock in the schedule that can accommodate older kids. Like I’m taking my seven-year-old to see the Grinch for I think the fourth time? And as they get older, I’ll definitely seek out more mature productions. That’s something I definitely personally enjoy!
yeah the issue is last year the rocks were ‘made’ for us and this year . . honestly I got lazy and succumbed to “well, if teens don’t want to do anything I just won’t plan anythign.” These comments are SO INSPIRING THOUGH!! we are going to fix this 🙂
Another thought… A little extreme but it will 100000000% solve your problem. And it is set and forget!
You need…. A house with a pool. We also live somewhere extremely hot and humid and the pool makes for effortless childcare and play dates for 9 months of the year.
Our favourite weekend activity is other families over with kids in the pool / parents having a glass of wine and a chat. It’s the best. And your kids are just going into peak pool age.
Guaranteed to dramatically reduce screen time!
ohhh it sounds lovely, but is very unlikely to happen! (also we are less than a mile and an easy walk/bike from our super nice, big community pool – we SHOULD go more often!!
I was just lamenting this with a friend. But the opposite. Our husbands work basically every day (mine-farm/rancher, hers rural vet) so Saturdays “off” are not a thing. But she and I were raised like this with 5 days and then a free weekend. In small town Nebraska, we almost always have a game Friday night (football, volleyball, basketball). Saturday there are sports tournaments (would have had one today if my 8th grader didn’t have mono). Sunday morning church. Husker football at some point. So there is just so much less “down time” than I grew up with, and I absolutely miss it. While learning to work is good for kids as are team sports, I sometimes feel like kids/people where I live, never really just “be” in the way I was raised. Wandering around the house talking to people bc you are bored. Reaching out to friends to hang out with in the neighborhood. Cleaning a room bc you have nothing better to do.
So its good to read these comments and talk bc in my mind people are enjoying weekends to the absolute fullest, but in reality, most are just hanging out and unsure of what to do all the time. We fight screens too for sure. I try and have “screen free Sunday” (family movies or all watching sports is fine) but at least take a break from phones! I love how you counted the weekends. I should do that to see what the breakdown is!