Since April, this year has been a lot and the trend continues.
I don’t think he would mind me sharing, so I will: my father sustained a serious hip fracture (no trauma to provoke; just moving around in bed!) a few weeks out from routine hip replacement. This, as one might expect, came as a total shock and well . . . it sucks.
I don’t have much experience in Sandwich Generation-ing, but I think I am about to take an experiential crash course.
Thus far I’ve just tried to medically advocate for him as far as best as I can from afar. Josh has helped (the surgeon perspective is valuable here and there was even some stuff that pertained to his specialty). I’m working today and tomorrow and on call next week, but I decided to fly up on Saturday to spend the weekend with him and family at the hospital. I feel like just being there will help my mom/sister if nothing else. And I’ll be back in time to start call.
ANYWAY. This was not the June I had envisioned, on a few levels but here we are.
I really hope we can get back to regularly scheduled programming around here (vs these medical notes and life stressor discussions). But as you all know, writing here helps me with processing and I know many of you have been through this (and much much more) with your own family members.
THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN HELPFUL
friends
Pema Chodron
meditation
walks
music
purposefully focusing on work when I need to
But I am definitely feeing my feelings too. And I am worried and sad and stressed out.
I really really hope this repair and recovery can be as smooth as possible.
If you have been in this kind of situation and have advice – I would welcome it.
34 Comments
Ugh, I am so sorry — this sounds so hard. Keep taking care of you through all of this, especially the work / travel / work sandwich. Thinking of you!
Going through this now with own health issues, professional drama (switch from tenure to clinical track due to NIH funding changes, going part time), mother landing in nursing home, father having his own health issues requiring multiple hospitalizations and surgeries and being generally recalcitrant and difficult to help, and having to simultaneously initiate the Medicaid spenddown to pay for my mother’s care. It has been a lousy year!
What has been helpful has been:
1) focusing on my own health – no real choice there
2) delegating parent tasks to my husband, like finding someone to fix the roof and siding of the house since he removed the gutters 10 years ago because he got tired of cleaning them (yes I am serious) — my father won’t listen to me anyway
3) leaning into sleep and exercise — I am up to about 8-10K steps per day, slowly, post-surgery last week. Pre-habbing the weeks leading up to it helped A LOT. I think I will still be able to run the first leg of the Detroit Marathon Relay this fall… but I plan to be VERY slow.
4) trying to plan more fun things, preferably each day — for instance last night we went to see Sheep Detectives at the Michigan Theater (highly recommend) which I *never* would have done previously on a weeknight, and I planned a mother-daughter trip to Chicago for late July
5) savoring the time I have with my husband, daughter, and dogs — I try to spend some time sitting in the yard throwing treats for them and reading a book since I can’t really run agility with them right now or take them for walks
6) trying to feel less guilty about not being everything to everybody at all times — easier said than done
7) oddly trying to enjoy catching up on academic things on my medical leave? I haven’t had this much fun writing in a long time, but it’s bittersweet because I know this degree of bandwidth won’t last forever.
I literally *cannot* be in CT to help my parents even if I wanted to be (I don’t), and I worry that people judge me for not taking care of them. But with the exception of one bitchy hospitalist (“Do you EVEN KNOW what has been going on with your mother?” Thanks sis! I do!) most people have been surprisingly understanding and helpful. My husband in particular has really come through for me. He seems to thrive on acts of service and helping people (my strengths are thinking and planning), and it has been fun to plan stuff to do for fun together while I convalesce.
Oh BTW — I finished Yesteryear (I wish she had taken the plot someplace else, honestly) and The Emperor of Gladness (grew on me as I made my way through it) and am now reading The Overstory (Powers) which has been really enjoyable. I also started Sky Daddy which is weird but fun, thanks for the recommendation. Husband and I watched Band of Brothers and Pacific and are making our way through the Turning Point documentaries (no association with Erica Kirk) on Netflix on the Cold War, Vietnam, and 9/11, which have been really interesting as well.
Good luck! Try to enjoy your time as much as possible, and not to take responsibility for everything. Your own health needs to be priority. I am told this life phase sucks.
thank you so much for all of this – I knew you had BEEN THROUGH IT and would have valuable insight. I really appreciate it (and am so glad it sounds like recovery for you is going okay, so far!!!).
My hysterectomy has seriously been the best thing. I am so grateful the surgery went smoothly and for the care I’ve received, but also that I am able to hold my pee 4 hours at a time overnight and not to be exsanguinating anymore. 🙂
I cannot even imagine! SOOO glad it has been a good outcome.
Thanks for sharing, just had one yesterday! And also there with the family stress. Wanted to chime in that pre-surgery i spent some or a lot, depending who you ask, with my parents in nursing home/through hospitalizations, and felt judged for doing that and not spending the time with my own kids and hubs. So, there will always be judging, I guess. Btw also had ovaries removed and already feel so zen on the hormone front! No more oestrogen and progesteron fighting who’s on top. Cheers!
I never really had a problem with my hormones, but I will say it is nice to have peed off about 8 lbs of fluid I was likely retaining because of the high dose progesterone I was on for bleeding.
Ah Sarah thinking of you and your family — good luck and sending big hugs.
Just been through this in an awful way – my mother died last month after a horrible journey with colorectal cancer. We have three (young!) kids and live interstate (in Australia – massive distances between cities). Am also a physician. Also lost my dad to cancer years ago so not my first rodeo.
It is so hard and I am so sorry this is happening.
My main advice:
– as a doctor / daughter: find the BEST team you can for your dad – and then leave them to it. A team you trust 100% and then divest all medical responsibility to. You can support your dad with decision making as a daughter, but you cannot be an effective daughter whilst also dabbling in the doctoring.
– people want to help, so please let them. Ask for it if you need to. The world is full of kind, loving, compassionate people who truly are sad that this has happened and truly want to help. They sometimes don’t know how but will jump at the chance.
– Pay for other help if you need to – it is an exceptional time and sometimes we just need to throw money at a problem
– some friends will let you down / not step up. It sux. I’m still getting my head around how to approach this but – broadly – and focussing on the swell of kindness from the majority, including strangers
– Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote an outstanding book around the time we were born about why bad things happen to good people (read it!): *“For me, the earthquake is not an “act of God.” The act of God is the courage of people to rebuild their lives after the earthquake, and the rush of others to help them in whatever way they can.”*
I wish you all the best x
Ps – I’m not particularly religious. It is a philosophical approach to life rather than a religious text. I found it wise, pragmatic and comforting.
Pragmatically I’ve found the advice to “assemble the best medical team possible” nearly impossible to do for myself as a physician at the hospital where I work let alone my father who lives in BFE and is unable/unwilling to travel even if I were able to identify such a thing located near to him. The only people who seem to be able to get this sort of service at the hospital where I work are people with significantly more money than my family has. It took me 7 weeks to get my surgery, yet I cared for a woman who got her’s within one week because of her finances. Anyway, I’ve heard this advice a lot, and I just wanted to say that while it sounds good in theory, in practice it can be really difficult to implement. Hearing it over and over has caused me a lot of unnecessary stress and makes me feel like a bad daughter. If Sarah is able to do this, good for her. Most people – even physicians – cannot.
The US health system is very different to that in many other parts of the world, including here. Perhaps that is a factor. All I can say is that the advice was given with sincerity and from lived experience, and this approach proved very useful – in fact, invaluable – for me.
Literally nobody ever doubted that being able to go to the best doctor within a short period of time is helpful.
This is a really harsh series of responses to what was intended as genuine lived-experience advice that helped me get through an exceptionally tough time (loss of my mother), in response to Sarah’s call-out for same. I cannot comment on your own experience. I was trying to be kind and helpful…
SESB: How does the money thing work for getting faster care? Asking honestly because I want to understand what you mean. For me, if I need medical care, I go to the hospital/healthcare system that my insurance is through. If I needed like a procedure, they tell me to call the scheduling line or some receptionist at the desk schedules me in the next available time slot. Come time of procedure I pay my copay (if applicable) and have my procedure, and then insurance pays it all and weeks later I get a bill in the mail with my share I need to pay if applicable. Are you referring to places where people are paying cash or something? No one has ever asked me how much I earn or asked me to pay upfront or anything like that. Or is it like a situation of a VIP so somehow the “name” gets scheduled sooner…?? Thanks, very curious about this!
Interested in her take but from the provider side I have definitely seen VIPs/people with a lot of power (which tends to be due to wealth) get shunted up the chain very quickly even without . . . clinical reasoning for that. (ie: something that is not emergent is treated like an emergency because of ‘who it is’. Which is kind of upsetting from a provider point of view!)
On the more subtle side, an example would be the fact that I was able to cash pay for my Hopkins visit (and pay to fly there) while for many people that would be cost prohibitive (just to clarify, I didn’t do anything ‘special’ to get seen sooner, but even just to be able to confidently book an out of network appointment that requires a flight + hotel is not reality for some people).
I cash-payed for a test that was $450 this past year. Insurance refused to pay because “it didn’t add anything” but *actually* it provided info that allowed my dr to conclude I had very much more likely had X instead of Y, which meant the treatment I was taking was of minimal benefit (especially considering the side effects I was having). Another example…
I agree we have a 2 (or really multi-tiered) system of healthcare and it’s sad 🙁 Very glad you self-paid for the test. Obviously very much worth it.
When I get medical care, I do the same thing you do. If I am looking for a new dr I get assigned to whomever has availability just like most people unless I specifically ask… but then they might not have availability or the wait times might be ludicrous. At first when I got my gyn in MI, there were only NPs who had availability within 12 months so that’s who I saw. When it turned out I needed a surgeon, I got the doctor who was available first. She turned out to be great (and my surgery was not technically challenging), but quality of surgeon is not a given, unfortunately, and there are limited mechanisms to find this out in advance or do much about it unless you want to wait for potentially a long time to see someone else.
As for detecting wealth, they don’t have to ask you what you earn because they already know… I am assuming usually because of how the appointment is made, name recognition, and I am sure the doctor knows before you set foot in the office whether you are a VIP. I am sure that someone in hospital admin regularly culls their patient lists for potential big donors too. At CHOP it was pretty obvious if you were a self-pay patient from the UAE, for instance, but we also had people do things like fly in from out of state on their private jets which is probably also pretty difficult to keep on the DL. We also got a lot of patients who were affluent and could visit the one person in the world who treats XYZ condition, or so their child could have the world’s best surgeon at fixing XYZ problem. Sometimes we would get a kid from out of state for something like this who was on Medicaid… but cynically this also happens because the original hospital is tired of eating the cost of that patient, who has often been hospitalized for their entire life. I think most big academic centers do these things to varying degrees.
As for my own privilege, I have always had “good” insurance, which often is associated with shorter wait times because of higher reimbursement rates. This is illegal but has been documented empirically. When I had a shoulder issue, I knew who the best shoulder guy at my institution was, and I got to see him. I know who the best pediatric surgeons are across each specialty at my hospital and can pick accordingly for my own kid if god forbid she needs surgery. I can ask my colleagues who is good on the adult side if I or my husband need care. I know which pediatric hospitals are tier 1 at various things vs. lower tier and could choose where I took my kid on that basis if she had a bad problem and afford it without much hardship. If she or a family member got cancer, I could afford to travel to another hospital to be part of a clinical trial if that was thought to be beneficial to care/prognosis. My office mate is the director of the pain service where I work, and she offered to place an epidural if somehow I ended up with a bowel resection during my surgery (which thankfully didn’t happen) — this would not be available to a typical patient. Just a few things…
thank you Rebecca <3 And I appreciate the quote - it resonates with me too even tough I'm not religious either!
Oh no!!! Your poor dad. How old is he? He can’t be that old. I have no experience with this- my parents had plenty of health issues, but no hip fractures. You must be so stressed out, especially with a call week coming up. Well- your family will appreciate having you there this weekend. Good luck with everything <3
Hi Sarah, unrelated question: how did you find your literary agent?Hi Sarah, unrelated question — how did you find your literary agent? I’m in the process of looking for one and finding it a bit overwhelming. Any advice would be so appreciated!
Hi noa- I don’t have an agent. The editor approached me after becoming familiar with my content on the podcast. That’s just how it worked out for me ! I never shopped around my proposal as it was solicited.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad, and I hope his recovery is as easy, quick, and complete as possible.
From my own experience, your best option may be to support the primary caregiver(s) from afar by paying for other people’s help. This could be a home health aid, a housecleaning service, food delivery, or any other outsourcing, and you might need to gently (or forcefully) nudge them to accept it. Sometimes caregivers want to do everything themselves, to prove they can or to demonstrate their love for the affected person, but that can be really damaging to their well-being and the family relationships.
Also, will your father have a lot of forced idleness while he recovers? That can be emotionally challenging, especially if the recovery is long or painful, and some mental stimulation or distraction could help. If he isn’t already well-supplied, he might benefit from a new kindle, or a stack of physical books, or a Netflix or Audible subscription. I think my father’s single brightest spot in his long illness was when a home health aide started playing audiobooks in his house while she worked.
Avoid skilled nursing facilities for rehab. Have him rehab at home with a live in caregiver. This was a game changer for my terminally ill father. Yes it’s expensive but if you can work something out and find the right individual it will help his well being and help you and family know he is in good hands. Those snf are awful.
The cost for 24h care is $700-900 per day for anyone who is curious. 🙂
Yes if you go through an agency. There are individuals who charge less in exchange for room and board. Of course it needs to be a trusted and experienced person someone you connect with through a friend or family member for example.
Kind of like an au pair except for nursing care and you need two extra bedrooms instead of one? (I wonder if this actually exists…)
So sorry to hear about your Dad. I can offer a bit of advice, since I’ve definitely had sandwich generation issues when both out of state parents were alive. In addition, my husband had a right hip replacement 8 weeks ago. Fortunately, he is fine-but he was in the ER twice during the first post-op week. Once was due to a really scary heart rate drop due to dehydration and the other for post-op pain-he thought he had dislocated the new hip but did not. The hardest thing for me in both caregiver roles was all of the driving and taking over all household chores. For your parents, offering to drive to appointments, med pickups and meal prep will help a lot-make and freeze some meals for them and hit up Trader Joe’s or a local fresh pasta store (DiBruno Brothers maybe since you will be in the PHL area) and load up their freezer. See if there is anything that you can help to automate for them if they have not already done so for themselves (like auto bill pay or med refills). If your dad is still in the hospital, take your Mom out for a meal or two as she probably needs to vent due to stress! Ad a physician, you will be a great advocate for your dad. My sister (a nurse) and I (a lawyer) were always a good tag team for asking questions that my parents did not think of. The one silver lining in all of this is that you will probably be tired and sleep really well!
thank you Beth! The “in person” parts will sadly be very limited but I will think about what i can do on my trips up and from afar.
Oh Sarah, you are in the thick of it!!! I’m so sorry. 2026 is a dumpster fire of a year for you and this really must stop. I hope your Dad’s pain is being managed well and that there’s a solution for him that isn’t too involved. It sounds just awful. And right after your inappropriate shock, and really on the heels of losing your dear MIL. I’m so sorry. If it feels like a lot to you…it IS. But, like with everything else you’ve gone through recently (I mean, when your car ran over you doesn’t even feel that long ago… ), you will get through this, too. I’m sorry that you have to go through it though.
(Also sorry to read about all that’s been going on for you and your parents, SESB. And horrified to see the black & white coats of various care options.)
Yes, this seems to be a part of this phase of life that is not what we bargained for. When our kids are finally getting more independent too. I am really sorry to hear it. My husband has had to do quite a lot for his dad who had been living alone in Nova Scotia (we live in Toront). It was a couple of years ago he got in a single vehicle collision and it precipiated a big change and whole slew of health issues, moving to assisted living and selling his house. His brother lives relatively nearby but it’s a lot for one person to manage so they’ve really worked together to be on the same page and my husband has gone a few times just to be relief for his brother. They divided up that his brother will primarily manage health and my husband is doing more financial and administrative stuff which can usually be done remotely. It’s hard not to feel like it’s a big imposition on life but I also know that he needs to do this in order to feel good about his relationship with his dad and i try to be as supportive as possible. But it’s super tiring and we all have a lot on our plates. I feel like i am in the supportive spouse, keeping everything together at home role but it’s what I can do, I suppose.
Dang, Sarah. 2026 has been a rollercoaster… and I am so sorry about your dad’s situation. My Dad has been through two (separate) hip replacements and he recovered really well (even went back to playing tennis and skiing), but it sucks that your dad had the hip fracture JUST before the routine hip replacement. How does that complicate things?
I am glad you’ll be able to travel and be with him and your family. I hope it all turns out well.
The fracture was 4 weeks after! It sounds like it is a rare complication. Definitely not what was supposed to happen 🙁